Entry One: Intro/Work

Forgive my abrupt periods, and short sentences. I’ve noticed it helps me to keep my thoughts together on here, since normally I can get very descriptive but then lose track.

I’m a 20 year old girl in college. I was going to a 4 year university. Fucked that up last semester by losing my scholarship. Going to community now and paying my own way. I want to work as a childcare provider. I love kids, I used to think I was a kid at heart, but now not so much.

I work at a terrible local bridal shop. It’s owned by a mean republican family that mocks me for being a democrat, that pays me minimum wage to do exactly what those bitches do on “say yes to the dress” but even more duties and responsibilities without commission. They put me down constantly. I love it when I can escape into the bridal room with a customer. They’re always nice, I’ve never had a bridezilla. They become happy because of me. I like that feeling. Like I’m doing something right for once. But as soon as they’re gone, I’m always told I did something wrong.

I know I should be glad I have a job and I feel guilty for complaining, but I am just so unhappy there. Today for example, I only go in for 3 hours of work but I dread it so much. I get nauseous as I sit in my car, I don’t eat before or after work. So every other day I just starve, then binge on my days off. But me and my boyfriend live together in a ghetto one bedroom apartment, and the rent is so much that I can’t afford to quit. I don’t even pay for rent, my boyfriend does. I pay for the other stuff. I’ve been looking for a job, no luck yet.

I hate my job. But most people do anyway. And most importantly I hate myself.