I never thought I would end up like this.

Let me be honest since I’m on a website and nobody knows me. My name is Jake I am 15 and live in Oklahoma. I am a diaper lover and have always been that way. I have this need to wear diapers. It just gives me a Wenceslas of comfort that I never received from my parents. My mother has congestive heart failure and progressive ms. I love my parents very much, but this is the part wher I contradict myself. My father is abusive both emotionally and physically, he likes to talk about how he can’t wait for my mother to die. My mother attempts to live her life through mine. She dosent like my friends because we play videogames. She wants me to be somebody I am not. They found out about my diaper intrest a few years ago. I have been called a fuck up, mistake, sicko and pedofile. I do not at all like children in anyway! I simply enjoy the security and comfort. Well at the beginning of the semester I decided I can’t take this life anymore, I stole 6 of my moms Loratabs and took them and went to bed. I woke up the next morning with a massive headache but alive. About 3. Weeks later I stole 7 again it didn’t work. It was almost time for the big game at our community between 2 of our schools. I am not a footbal fan at all, but I went and talked to my friend named Cameron I told his about the pills, he wasn’t shocked at all. Me and him are best friends and share everything, he has attempted suicide twice before, so I could trust him.I told him that I couldn’t do it anymore and that I was going to do it again. I did it the next weekend, but this time I took my dads shotgun out of his closet when they were gone went to the entryway of our home and proceeds to load it. My heart was racing as I thought about how it was finally going to end. After I loaded it I sat there just looking at it for the longest time. It seemed so lifelike so surreal. Eventually I reached a point where I looked back and thought why I was doing this, why this was so appealing. I put the single barrel in mymouth with my head tilted back making sure it would decimate everything and that it would be painless. After another few minutes of thinking I reached for the trigger I didn’t do it. I reached again and just felt the cold metal on my finger thinking just to do it quick and not think about it. I pulled the trigger and waited. After a few seconds I opened my eyes. I still don’t know what happens, but it didn’t go off. I couldn’t do it again I was drained crying in frustration pissed at the world, why I couldn’t die it’s what I wanted. I got a girlfriend a couple of weeks later and thought that was good. I thought the world was going to change for me. It didn’t I began to fall back in to a depression. I’m in highschool I’m having sex got great friends anybody would think that this would be amazing. I tried pills again around the beginning of november I’m not sure of the exact date, but this time I decided 11 at this point I found out that the FDA say 8 is lethal. So I thought this is is I did the usual take them before I sleep but I woke up I just wanted to die and I felt tortured by myself and my families comments. The next day after I got home from school.my parents were sitting on the couch. They usually aren’t home yet. So I just knew that it was up. My mother started the talking and asked if I had been stealing her pills, at first I denied it. Soon though it came out that yes I had been doing it and why I had been doing it.I was sent to see the counelor at school the next day and was blindsided when a. Cop came in to the office. They told me that I needed to be taken to a head hospital I ended up not going inexchqnge that my parents get me a therapist and that I check in every morning and afternoon at the councilors office. At this point I felt worse then before I felt violated. I was okay for awhile then thought I have one more chance Christmas I made a wishlist that explained I wanted diapers for Christmas and even left 3 of my last ones I had. I left this note in my room and went to school. When I got home she started screaming at me and threw them at me she took out her scissors and cut them up in front of me. I can’t figure out how to review whats already written but in the note I told her that the fact she puts me down and won’t let me wear them were a big reason for my suicidal tendencies. Christmas came and Went and I didn’t receive them. I know thatthis is still what I want death I have been looking at some methods including the helium exit or helium bag method. I don’t need a whole bunch of Christians trying to talk me out of it I personally respect others religions but I personally don’t believe in any god or he’ll. I guess why I am writing it to just share my story I know I’m going to do it soon I have gone back to cutting. I guess this little piece of text is like my story since nobody else really cares except Cameron. My email is jakedasnake_95@yahoo.com I just wanted to do this for whatever reason. Maybe it was the need to confess to others about the diapers of maybe the suicide. I will try to keep updating this. Hope I don’t get to many people bashing me.