The first time (and only hopefully), .. I can’t even remember when that was. I’ve kept diaries for years but I never wrote about it for two reasons:
1) I was afraid my parents or my siblings would find it and read it.
2) I didn’t want to remember.
Usually I have a crazy ass memory where I remember nearly everything, but for some reason, I never remembered it until about .. a year later? Two? I wouldn’t know. I don’t remember exactly when it happened. I was so ashamed that I even bothered with thinking those kinds of thoughts. I hated myself for even having the pills in the palm of my hand. How would my family feel? The memory tucked itself away and collected dust. After I finished middle school (shut up), and being elated to be done, I remembered. It was singlehandedly one of the most horrible moments for me– I remembered how cool the granite countertop was, the annoyingly difficult child-proof caps. I’m sitting in the same exact place where I remembered it– on my bed. I promised myself that I would never feel that way again.
But now I feel like I’m slipping.
I’m becoming afraid of my own thoughts. How does that even happen? I don’t fucking understand myself anymore. I wish my mind would just go blank and shut up for a few seconds and wait for me to catch my breath. I keep telling myself that I’m ugly, I’m fat, I’m so fucking stupid, I’ll never amount to anything good in life, I’m a sad-ass kid with no future. Everyone thinks I’m a disappointment. Nobody fucking likes me. “Be yourself.” I’ve tried that before, and guess what? No one liked her either. I guess we just both suck.
I hate that certain type of crying, the type where you’re literally trying to hold your gasps in, and you have your arms wrapped around your knees, trying to keep yourself from fucking exploding. I can only recall myself doing that once, and I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to go back.
I want to drink, I want to drink, large amounts.
Vomit-inducing amounts.
I don’t even know what alcohol tastes like.
I’m being fucking ridiculous.
The thing is, is that I feel like I don’t even have a reason to be this fucking upset. For no reason. What is wrong with me? I DON’T KNOW. I was never abused as a child. I had a pretty good childhood, in fact. Fingerpainting and Teletubbies. Sure, my parents pushed me to do my best, along with my oldest sibling, but I feel so over the edge. I don’t know.
One time I gave my mom a little bit too much attitude when I was 8
my brother, 15, told me that our parents could kick me out legally when I turned 16 so I should “improve my behavior”
one of my aunts just seems to have a hugeass grudge against me. I don’t know what I did to her. Probably breathing. I don’t even see her that often. She told me to eat less. I would’ve swapped that easily with “do well in school”. My mom keeps telling me to control my eating habits. “Does the host mother have a scale?” “Why?” “So you can keep track of your weight.”
I want to get so skinny that I disappear.
But I eat so damn much, so there’s really no way in hell I can achieve what I want, what everyone else wants.
In fact, I’m hungry right now. I just ate some yogurt an hour ago. What the fuuuuuucckkk.
I don’t know. People tell me I’m skinny (lol if they’re not related to me, THANKS LOVELY FAMILY) but I really don’t see it. I’m nearly 5’3, about 112 lbs. I feel so disgusting. I wish I could wittle away the parts of me that I don’t like.
Have I mentioned that I hate people?
Some kid I used to hang out with (but is now flyin’ h! lyk a g6) has apparently adopted that as his motto.
I hope he knows that I actually meant it in a way such as “People continuously prove themselves as ignorant fools” but I mean, hey, that’s cool, you can always say lightheartedly with a slight chuckle like “People are annoying”
It’s moments like these, when I’m sitting alone at night, and I feel the worse. I want to bash my head against the wall.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to breathe. Give an aborted baby my life.
I feel like I’m being melodramatic as fuck, and I really don’t have anything wrong with me. I’m just being a stupid little *****, I’m just a teenager, these are hormones, TEEN ANGST TEEN ANGST TEEN ANGST.
I just don’t want to be the only one.
4 comments
Dont worry life gets worse.
then when your 24 it might better.
Just try your best. Only like 1% of people are capable of acheiving excellence and they always have ocd and a photographic memory
Life as a teenager is fucking annoying but at least your not retarded.
People are fucking retards corrupted to the core, whether its media, Addiction, Greed, Lust, Pride, Envy, sloth, Gluttony and wrath. Human life is just biological and memory is just practice, It is proven you lose alot of your memory in your teens because all the neurons are being reprogrammed for the hormones so you can mature develop a sex drive and understand and gain better knowledge. You cant control life not yet. Practice makes perfect
You can do whatever the fuck you want. IF you want to stop eating just put it down. Go for a walk come back and eat it then go for another walk
Food is Fuel That is all.
I use to weigh 110 kgs i dont know how many pounds umm 454g=lb
1000gs =kg 2.4 something so like 240 lbs
I lost it all just hard work.
Now im like 70 so umm 150-ish lb. If you want to lose it faster smoke pot and exercise.
Dont listen to your family. Best thing about being a teenager is rebelling
just eat what u need to eat, Life is gay. theres nothing you can do until youve learnt enough skills to live happily.
Self control is the easiest way.
Your not the only one, Your just like everyone else.
Do something about
relax. take a deep breath.
You are not fat – family can be the most critical and awful (as well i am told as very important). Some point you will be able to move away and get on with your own life, without their influence. Keep a focus on getting the education you can now when you are stuck at home, maybe some work experience too, so that as soon as you are legally able to leave (assuming you still want to) you can get out and get a job and get on with your life. If you want to go to college you can get a job and save get a loan or grant. Don’t listen to this crap abou being fat, you should calculate your BMI but i know from the figures you wrote that is not fat.
I am no one to talk, but don’t blame yourself (‘teen angst’ and ‘stupid *****’) for what you are feeling. Maybe its hormones, maybe its your situation, maybe its, i don’t know the weather doesn’t suit you you know? It shouldn’t invalidate how you feel. I registered because i need to rant about my own situation but got distracted by your entertaining post title.
All i know is (i) you are not fat (ii) you are young. I recently found some diaries from when i was 16. I guess you are younger than that. My mom destroyed most of my stuff like that when i was at home, but by then i had moved out (ended up moving back, don’t just move in with a guy to escape). Anyway, i was saying then the same as i am saying a decade later, that i am shit and want to kill or hurt myself. BUT i truly believe the younger you sort out these thoughts then the easier. Thoughts just get ingrained the longer you have them the more important they seem. So, i am no one and shouldn’t give advice, but i would love for you to go to a school counsellor (not being patronising, i think you are still at school) or someone you trust, someone like a teacher or whatever if you have a religion or you know what i mean – TALK. Talking is important to change these thoughts before you are stuck with them at, i don’t know, like 50 years old. Doesn’t sound that fun does it – really, even if it is ‘just’ teen angst, talking to someone who is separate (not necessarily your family), try it please. Let us know.
Looking back i always say i have no regrets, but really i have never accepted the help that was offered because i was too proud or angry or independent or successful or scared. All that happened is i drop out of grad school in massive debt in the same state i was aged 16
So please don’t turn into this – please look after what matters – you
interesting, what is it that you want?, i am fascinated by your post