The Exit Bag

It works, but only if you follow directions.

I didn’t have helium, the recommended gas on hand.  So I opted for a more readily available gas; computer dusters, or “canned air”.  It isn’t really air though, it’s a gas that’s heavier than air, the opposite of helium.  I’ve read stories about it killing people, which is what I wanted, obviously.  But really I just needed it to pass out, so I wouldn’t feel the suffocation of the exit bag.

So I put the bag over my head and tightened it with the canned air straw sticking through the bag and my neck.  I exhaled all that was in my lungs and depressed the paddle with my finger.  I breathed in as much as I could, held it for 10 seconds, and exhaled.  I repeated that about eight times, until I really started feeling the effects; I had to drop the can because I was getting very dizzy.  The feeling slowly worked its way down my body, and it was like a tingling.  It felt pretty good at first (I’ve never gotten high before, but I can imagine that was what it feels like).  And then I was suddenly blind, but I felt like my eyes were moving rapidly, uncontrollably.  I didn’t really mind it, I could tell, at least then, that my body wasn’t physically moving.  The tingling had intensified by then, but it still wasn’t bad.  My ears began to ring, but it was like a soft humming.  Again, the tingling had gotten even more powerful.

Suddenly, I was aware of everything.  Everything made a noise, even inanimate objects.  Even though I couldn’t see, I could hear where I was.  I could also feel my own heart beating like it was a mechanical pump strapped to the outside of my chest.  It was clear as day, and it felt like it was going 1000 BMP.  I put my hand on my chest, half consciously, to see if my heart had risen in speed, knowing/thinking that it shouldn’t have.  It hadn’t actually sped up; in fact, it was beating less than 1/10th it’s original speed.

And then the tingling became painful.  I didn’t feel like I could move, though I could make small movements.  I felt my arms involuntarily twitching, probably a result of the painful tingling feeling.  I thought that that was the point I would pass out.  The pain wasn’t that bad, but it was definitely a reaction to having no oxygen intake.

I sat there, counting the seconds, waiting for me to stop counting, waiting to pass out.  But I didn’t, and I became scared.  I panicked, but in my own calm way.  I took the bag off of my head and sat upright for a minute, though I still couldn’t see anything.  Then I lied down, and came back, though it took at least half an hour.  After that, I cried for the person I loved most, waiting for the sun to rise.

The day after (today), I refused to go to classes that I didn’t have without that person.  I followed her throughout her schedule.  I just couldn’t stand the thought of being alone.

I’m still alive, and now I feel I have a reason to be.  I love you, km.