I often think of what people actually mean when they say they love themselves because love in this day and age imagines itself as servicing of its own needs to the exclusion of the whole.Â I never felt that type of love for myself.Â I saw my love for myself as a mirror to the love I had for those that I loved and sometimes it took sacrificing of oneself for the betterment of all.Â My ideology of what to love oneself means, to my chagrin, was outdated, outmoded and oblivious to the very ones that I thought would reciprocate by nature.Â I was wrong.
I did receive clues along the way that my thinking was outmoded but couldn’t believe it and, really, it didn’t matter because I was on this mission and that did not include falling into group-think consciousness.Â I knew this since I was very, very small.Â I was four years old when the “angels” came to me, sight unseen, but more real than a passerby on the street.Â I heard them thru telepathy but it was as if they were right beside me or within me or even me but a higher form but they were plural, many, not just one and they spoke in unison.Â They would pronounce my name and exclaim:Â “Don’t forget, keep up your vibratory level.”Â Their voices were as if they were singing, all of them in perfect harmony with each other.Â As a four-year old, I would stop whatever it was I was doing and out loud pronounce, “Okay!”
I could not at four years give you a definition of vibratory level but I instinctually knew how to do it and it was always done by thoughtful transmission from inside of myself.Â Also being that age, I probably forgot about it every so often so the angels would come back and remind me to keep up my vibratory level on many occasions.Â Â As that year or so went by and I continued my practice of upholding my vibratory level, the angels did come again with seemingly a more pressing message that I should pray for wisdom in their sing-song angelic voices.Â They came to me mainly at night so that I would get out of my bed onto my knees and pray stoically for wisdom, again, not being able to tell one what was the definition but precisely feeling it in my being.
There came a time in my family where I would need both qualities and they did help me cope with much of what happened to me thru my family.Â Â One day, it was a day after my birthday at age 20 a voice came to me out of nowhere; this I recognized as a male voice which said:Â “Now you will enter the time where there will be people that will come to you to hurt you and you won’t know why but you should keep up with what we told you and endure.”Â What?Â I tried to ask the voice why would this happen, to come back and explain why as I never did anything to intentionally hurt anyone in my life and why were these people going to do such a drastic thing to me without provocation.Â I heard nothing.Â Â I screamed, “Come back!Â You must tell me!”Â I heard nothing.Â I became so angry arising from my chair and stomping my feet and demanding and explanation for this.Â I heard nothing.Â I opened the bible and it read:Â There is a time to plant and a time to harvest, or words to that effect.Â I felt that God had abandoned me and I was angry and alone….
So now that I am 53 and a whole myriad of incidences have occurred, none of them making any sense whatsoever, betrayal after betrayal, restarts and new beginnings, hatred and forgiveness but never, ever validation for these trials, never rhyme nor reason for my pain…going to therapists and social workers who exclaimed there’s nothing wrong with you,Â just the company that you keep, just your dysfunctional family, blah, blah, blah.Â When I trace my steps, I only have loved others as I loved myself but probably greater than the love I had for myself because I was at service to all people whoever walked into my life.Â I never worked as a volunteer socially but my life I feel was voluntarily serviced to others that crossed my path and I made them better than they were before they met me.
The problem with all of this is that now my light is very dim.Â I don’t regret any part of my life, but I feel that my life has been spent and it’s time to make a transition to a new reality.Â I think about this almost 24 hours a day.Â I raised my son, I was there for my family, I was married to not such a nice man but for only a short while, I helped many on my path.Â Â As life would have it, since 2001, all people, one by one have left my life.Â I didn’t know what to think of it but realized that the thread was that the truth of things was not allowed anymore at all by anyone.Â All ofÂ a sudden, people became violently opposed to the truth and wanted fantasy and vanity instead of facing real issues.Â They actually WANTED lies.Â This became the breaking point for me, something that I could not participate in so all began to be lost.Â I had lots of friends but now I hardly have any and those that I do have, have all pretty much turned “virtual”Â via electronics.Â There is no personal communication, tangible love anymore, and when it does happen, it’s a real treat.
I wish I had the time to explain lies versus truth as this is what this is all about and why I am lost because I can only deal in truth.Â So in reality, this world is snuffing me out and it always has been.Â At this time, this dispensation of the world stage, persons such as myself are not needed.Â We are outmoded, outdated, we are oblivious to the new mankind.Â That is something that I cannot bear to live thru. If perhaps anyone understands this, please do respond.Â Thanks for listening…