Whats left?

Sometimes. . well i should say most of the time i feel so alone. . i sit in my apartment all day with noone here physicaly. . i have tried to kill myself countless times but i never can get the balls too. The only time i feel like people care is when i am so close to just dieing. What is left in this “so called Life” . I don’t know where to turn other then alchahol or looking down the barrel of a 12 guage, popping pills and hoping i never wake up, and even running my car into a ditch hoping i don’t survive.