After aÂ particularlyÂ bad week, where I was acutely suicidal, I finally yesterday got my shit together a bit. I was just gonna try to soldier on.
But I got a disturbing email. My ex, whom I had frightened when I had a nervous breakdown last month and became suicidal, is apparently posting articles and things online about restraining order and the like.
I ended up in jail for Â a few days after my breakdown, because she filed a police report. But I had been under the impression, based on what other people have told me, that she did not intend for me to go to jail and was somewhat upset that I ended up there.
I’ve never been violent in my entire life. I’ve never laid my hands on another person in anger, do not k now HOW to fight, and would certainly never hurt a woman, no matter how sick I got.
On one hand I’m offended that she might be equating her experience as domestic abuse. On the other I’m horrified at the possibility that she might literally be that frightened of me. I’ve not been bothering her, but I still love her dearly. I never did anything in the time we were together but take care of her every need and try to build her self-confidence. I just showed her love.
To know that she either fears me or is petty and wants me to suffer more, is really just too much for me to bear. And now I’m right back to wanting to die. I have my helium bag supplies. I think I’m going to strap in now and be done with this.