After a particularly bad week, where I was acutely suicidal, I finally yesterday got my shit together a bit. I was just gonna try to soldier on.
But I got a disturbing email. My ex, whom I had frightened when I had a nervous breakdown last month and became suicidal, is apparently posting articles and things online about restraining order and the like.
I ended up in jail for  a few days after my breakdown, because she filed a police report. But I had been under the impression, based on what other people have told me, that she did not intend for me to go to jail and was somewhat upset that I ended up there.
I’ve never been violent in my entire life. I’ve never laid my hands on another person in anger, do not k now HOW to fight, and would certainly never hurt a woman, no matter how sick I got.
On one hand I’m offended that she might be equating her experience as domestic abuse. On the other I’m horrified at the possibility that she might literally be that frightened of me. I’ve not been bothering her, but I still love her dearly. I never did anything in the time we were together but take care of her every need and try to build her self-confidence. I just showed her love.
To know that she either fears me or is petty and wants me to suffer more, is really just too much for me to bear. And now I’m right back to wanting to die. I have my helium bag supplies. I think I’m going to strap in now and be done with this.
9 comments
Rusty, I’m @ work so I have to be quick… PLEASE, PLEASE DON’T ! When one of us loses the fight there’s a piece of each of us that loses also. PLEASE DON’T GIVE UP. Live tto fight another day, but hang in there.
im sorry you had to go through that, if you want to talk about it just drop me an email at lauriejohnson1@hotmail.co.uk and tell me what happened in detail, im hardly wise and ive never gone through what you have but i empathise with you and maybe ill be able to help
I’ve already tried twice today and stopped early. I want to go though. I really do. Evolution just kicks in and makes me panic. I think I should just get drunk and retry later tonight.
Its weird when you wanna do it and start panicking real bad you know they always say that people who commit suicide are weak and cowards i kinda think they’re brave its actually pretty scary fuck this is harder than i thought
I know. I dont want this anymore. I really, truly and deeply want to be gone. But it takes so much strength to do it.
Yeah i hear ya!
Please don’t do it. There are good people out there worth living for.
There is no reason for me to be around. I only stopped tonight because my roommate got home. Next chance I get, I’m checking out.
It’s likely too late judging by your last comment, but please in the off-chance you check back in to Sp.org please consider telling me your helium bag plan… I want to perfect it in one go, specifically do i need to vent any of it, or will a bag full of helium be enough?