On friday i had a can of bug spray in my bookbag (i forgot to take it out in the morning)and i accidently put my binder on top of it so it started spraying all over my bookbag (thank god it was the end of class) i had to run to the bathroom wash my binder rap the can in toilet paper and threw it in the garbage then i wrote about it in my journal i write all the fights my parents have in there and i write some other thngs to one day im going to get it published soooo my lil sister just blurts out ‘you brought bug spray to school’ so i get mad and tell her why sh up in my grill i mean seriously no respect at all so i say you idiot it was the 31st and my dumb parents believed it they dont know thats the reason i need my book bag washed.Today while i was walking some random guy in a car and i thought he was my friends dad cuz im practically blind without my glasses so the guys like hi and i just smile then he starts saying how pretty i am and im like hold up my friends dad is a cop so he wouldnt be saying these things so i take a closer look and im like FUCK!!! it was some random dude the guy pulls over and asks me where im going and its too late to ignore him so im like somewhere then the guy tells me to come to hm and thank god the light was about to change so i fucking ran.There’s this little tunnel by were i was going were alot of weirdos go by at night but it cuts the road off so i was safe… for a while…what the guy did next i kinda saw comeing two blocks down the street gets connected again and again the light was about to change so i ran and who’s there the fucking guy man he’s persistent so this time when he’s calling me i totally ignore him god im at the library right now i hope he didnt fallow me here and is waiting outside when i come out i wouldnt know what to do.I heard my parents having sex last night so that was weird but ive heard them before so yea it didn’t really surprise me.I hate the feeling i get before i cut myself and after my parents or me fight i mean it sorta feels like guilt i just wanna break down and cry it feels like my heart is being torn out of my chest does anybody else get that feeling? maybe its anxiety because i get the same feeling when im under pressure and  cutting is the only thing that makes me feel better the pain i get from hurting myself washes away the pain i get when i see my life and m sisters lives being torn apart because our parents can’t grow up.My mom keeps saying she’s gonna throw him out but she never does and all that’s doing is tearing us apart like seriously don’t say things you know your abviously not gonna do so im forced to give my mom the benefit of the doubt.My teacher says she doesn’t have to worry about me commiting suicide because i have the power of leterature but really im not seeing how that’s helping me at all i mean it’s just a fucking hobby.Everyone expects so much from me bcause im the oldest everyone expects me to be perfect.I suck at math i mean the highest grade ive gotten is a 70% that’s it my mom gets mad at me but then she’s like she sucked at math to so if she understands what im going through why does she still get mad?
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2 comments
Your mom just wants the best for you. Life can be hard, but talking to your school counselor can really help you.
Sweetie, this is the hardest part of growing up. I had an alcoholic for a mother so my teenage years fucking sucked. Just get your ass through high school and into college so you can start directing your own life. When you can be the master of your own destiny and take control of your shit the world will look much brighter trust me. Your parents don’t sound horrible, they actually sound pretty typical to me, parents fight and sometimes they hate each other, but marriage is hard work. Their still having sex so its not completely over for them. It is kind of gross to hear your parents slam dancing tho!! Yuck.
You sound like a bright kid with a good future. Stop cutting yourself and start trying to find another way to process what you feel. Breathing or yoga or running. I used to run and it gave me a WAY better high then cuttig ever did, w/o the scars too.
You WILL get through this, but get through high school and get to college. Education is the ticket to freedom. Then you can get away from everyone by getting a job so you can have your own place and your own space. Stay strong girl, hang on a little longer for your miracle. And P.S PLEASE stay away from creepy mutherfu*kers in cars! They like to steal girls and do god knows what. If that ever happens again, scream and run!!