I know a lot of people go through suicidal phases. I know a lot of people spend most of their lives fighting varying levels of depression. I also know that many people erroneously believe that nobody cares about them/everybody hates them/there is no point in trying anymore. I have come to the conclusion that I may very well be one of the rare cases where these conclusions are actually correct.
I have a long history of depression, like many people here. I even have a few suicide attempts under my belt ( admittedly half-assed and primarily for attention, though I didn’t realize it at the time ). I suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder. I’ve only recently realized this, but it explains a lot. People with this disorder basically have low self-esteem/self-loathing, severe social anxiety, and a longing for social relationships overshadowed by the belief that nobody will accept them for who they really are and that being rejected is inevitable.
I’ve always been fairly shy and reserved, except around people I am very familiar with. I’ve never had what could be considered an actual, adult relationship. Eventually this led to my becoming a fairly hard-core alcoholic. After making an ass of myself countless times and being arrested a few times, I finally stopped drinking and severed all ties with my “friends”. I know to this day ( 2 years later) that they are still drinking, doing drugs, partying, and drifting from entry-level job to entry-level job, just as they probably always will. Not that there is necessarily anything wrong with that, it’s just not the kind of life I want to live forever.
I also left because I was on the bottom of the totem pole. They were not real friends, they used me because I had a hard time saying no to them, so they could get me to do just about whatever they wanted. My views and opinions weren’t respected, my concerns were ridiculed, and I was basically treated like a *****.
Just when I’d gotten used to being alone, I fell in love with a woman from work. I never meant for it to happen, as she was married and I knew it, but gradually we became closer and closer until we crossed the line. She told me she loved me and that she didn’t want to be with her husband anymore. I of course, having never been in a relationship before, was head-over-heels and could never imagine ending it. After her husband broke down one night, apologizing for everything in tears, she admitted the affair. After that we couldn’t see each other anymore.
A short while later, she cut me from her life completely. She moved to another town and got a new job. After about 3 months she sent me an email saying that she was leaving her husband because it wasn’t fair to him that she was always thinking about me. I had just started recovering from losing her when she started hanging out with me again. About 2 weeks later she left me again and went back to her husband. I was so destroyed that I hopped in my car in the middle of a snowstorm and just started driving. For 3 days I went from hotel to hotel, drinking and popping pills and crying myself to sleep. As I started the return trip, I wasn’t quite ready to go home; instead I stayed the night at an old friends house. I had a 6-pack, some vodka, and a few pills; I don’t remember anything after that. The next day I was arrested for molesting his daughter. I was held for 6 days and released without being formally charged.
My lover heard about my arrest and was worried she wouldn’t be able to get a hold of me even if she wanted to. I got her emails and went to see her as soon as I got out. After lying to her about what happened ( which I felt horrible about doing, but I couldn’t bear the idea of her hating me ), we started hanging out again, even closer than we were before. Then, once again, she kicked me to the curb. A few months later a warrant was issued for my arrest in regard to the previous arrest, and I was taken in. After my arraignment I sent her a message apologizing and letting her know I’d lied to her. She then told me she was pregnant and was sure the child was mine.
I’ve never wanted children, but she was very much pro-life, so I gradually got used to the idea of being a father; so much so, that when it turned out that the child wasn’t mine I was crushed. We maintained contact via social networking for a while, even though she was still married. Several months later, just when I was starting to think things would stay that way, she deleted me from her friends list and took every possible measure to remove me from her life entirely. She sent me one last message simply stating that she was sorry and that was the last I heard from her.
At last, this brings me to the present. I’ve been going to college and I have a job working in fast food ( though I’m currently taking the semester off ) and I plan to transfer to a fairly prestigious university to finish my Bachelor’s of Science in mechanical engineering. This is where I begin to think everything is pointless. Even if I get into this school and even if I get my degree, nobody is going to hire me, ESPECIALLY with the job market the way it is. Normal people have a hard time getting a decent job, what HR manager in his/her right mind would hire a convicted child molester? I will have wasted years of my life and incurred significant student loan debts for absolutely nothing. On top of that, even if I DO get a job, I have no friends, and due to my personality disorder even the IDEA of trying to socialize terrifies me. In addition, I will never experience romantic love ever again. I feel I have no right to keep my conviction a secret from somebody I want to share my life with, but no woman will ever want to be with me if she knows about my sins. Once again, even if I found a woman who was willing to give me a chance, I am so sexually unskilled ( and indescribably insecure about it ) that she would undoubtedly leave me anyway. I’ve only had sex a few times, so naturally I don’t last very long, a fact I’m painfully self-conscious of, and also a fact that my former lover wasn’t so understanding of, despite knowing that I was a virgin at the time. To this day her comments still echo in my head and discourage me from even trying to get laid, consequently I haven’t had sex in 2 years.
At this point my social anxiety and Avoidant Personality Disorder are just getting worse. I get very uncomfortable whenever I go out in public. I live in a small town and I’m always paranoid when I’m out and about, wondering if I’ll run into somebody I know and whether or not they know what I’ve done, it is literally like torture for me. Sometimes people look at me or speak to me in a way that makes me think they know, but then later I wonder if it was all in my head. Combine this with the fact that 2 years after she walked away from me, I still think about my former lover every day and I still miss her like crazy, as I probably always will, yet she seems to have moved on completely and has forgotten all about me as if I never meant anything to her, though she is still the most emotionally significant person I’ve ever had in my life.
All this has lead me to the conclusion that killing myself is very much warranted. I’m only 24, I don’t want to live in this hell I’ve created for myself for the next 60 years or so and the odds of ever having an enjoyable existence are so small as to be statistically negligible. My immediate family would be saddened by my death ( which is the only reason I’m still here ) despite my conviction, but literally hundreds of thousands to millions, possibly even billions of people would be GLAD to see me die. I’m writing this because, being as socially out of touch as I am and as mentally different as I am from most people, I need an external perspective. Do you think my conclusion is accurate? Do you think I would be taking the easy way out and deserve to live a long miserable life for what I’ve done? I honestly want to know what other people think, which is why I’ve included so many personal details, just to be sure I have all of the pertinent facts.