I know a lot of people go through suicidal phases. I know a lot of people spend most of their lives fighting varying levels of depression. I also know that many people erroneously believe that nobody cares about them/everybody hates them/there is no point in trying anymore. I have come to the conclusion that I may very well be one of the rare cases where these conclusions are actually correct.
I have a long history of depression, like many people here. I even have a few suicide attempts under my belt ( admittedly half-assed and primarily for attention, though I didn’t realize it at the time ). I suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder. I’ve only recently realized this, but it explains a lot. People with this disorder basically have low self-esteem/self-loathing, severe social anxiety, and a longing for social relationships overshadowed by the belief that nobody will accept them for who they really are and that being rejected is inevitable.
I’ve always been fairly shy and reserved, except around people I am very familiar with. I’ve never had what could be considered an actual, adult relationship. Eventually this led to my becoming a fairly hard-core alcoholic. After making an ass of myself countless times and being arrested a few times, I finally stopped drinking and severed all ties with my “friends”. I know to this day ( 2 years later) that they are still drinking, doing drugs, partying, and drifting from entry-level job to entry-level job, just as they probably always will. Not that there is necessarily anything wrong with that, it’s just not the kind of life I want to live forever.
I also left because I was on the bottom of the totem pole. They were not real friends, they used me because I had a hard time saying no to them, so they could get me to do just about whatever they wanted. My views and opinions weren’t respected, my concerns were ridiculed, and I was basically treated like a *****.
Just when I’d gotten used to being alone, I fell in love with a woman from work. I never meant for it to happen, as she was married and I knew it, but gradually we became closer and closer until we crossed the line. She told me she loved me and that she didn’t want to be with her husband anymore. I of course, having never been in a relationship before, was head-over-heels and could never imagine ending it. After her husband broke down one night, apologizing for everything in tears, she admitted the affair. After that we couldn’t see each other anymore.
A short while later, she cut me from her life completely. She moved to another town and got a new job. After about 3 months she sent me an email saying that she was leaving her husband because it wasn’t fair to him that she was always thinking about me. I had just started recovering from losing her when she started hanging out with me again. About 2 weeks later she left me again and went back to her husband. I was so destroyed that I hopped in my car in the middle of a snowstorm and just started driving. For 3 days I went from hotel to hotel, drinking and popping pills and crying myself to sleep. As I started the return trip, I wasn’t quite ready to go home; instead I stayed the night at an old friends house. I had a 6-pack, some vodka, and a few pills; I don’t remember anything after that. The next day I was arrested for molesting his daughter. I was held for 6 days and released without being formally charged.
My lover heard about my arrest and was worried she wouldn’t be able to get a hold of me even if she wanted to. I got her emails and went to see her as soon as I got out. After lying to her about what happened ( which I felt horrible about doing, but I couldn’t bear the idea of her hating me ), we started hanging out again, even closer than we were before. Then, once again, she kicked me to the curb. A few months later a warrant was issued for my arrest in regard to the previous arrest, and I was taken in. After my arraignment I sent her a message apologizing and letting her know I’d lied to her. She then told me she was pregnant and was sure the child was mine.
I’ve never wanted children, but she was very much pro-life, so I gradually got used to the idea of being a father; so much so, that when it turned out that the child wasn’t mine I was crushed. We maintained contact via social networking for a while, even though she was still married. Several months later, just when I was starting to think things would stay that way, she deleted me from her friends list and took every possible measure to remove me from her life entirely. She sent me one last message simply stating that she was sorry and that was the last I heard from her.
At last, this brings me to the present. I’ve been going to college and I have a job working in fast food ( though I’m currently taking the semester off ) and I plan to transfer to a fairly prestigious university to finish my Bachelor’s of Science in mechanical engineering. This is where I begin to think everything is pointless. Even if I get into this school and even if I get my degree, nobody is going to hire me, ESPECIALLY with the job market the way it is. Normal people have a hard time getting a decent job, what HR manager in his/her right mind would hire a convicted child molester? I will have wasted years of my life and incurred significant student loan debts for absolutely nothing. On top of that, even if I DO get a job, I have no friends, and due to my personality disorder even the IDEA of trying to socialize terrifies me. In addition, I will never experience romantic love ever again. I feel I have no right to keep my conviction a secret from somebody I want to share my life with, but no woman will ever want to be with me if she knows about my sins. Once again, even if I found a woman who was willing to give me a chance, I am so sexually unskilled ( and indescribably insecure about it ) that she would undoubtedly leave me anyway. I’ve only had sex a few times, so naturally I don’t last very long, a fact I’m painfully self-conscious of, and also a fact that my former lover wasn’t so understanding of, despite knowing that I was a virgin at the time. To this day her comments still echo in my head and discourage me from even trying to get laid, consequently I haven’t had sex in 2 years.
At this point my social anxiety and Avoidant Personality Disorder are just getting worse. I get very uncomfortable whenever I go out in public. I live in a small town and I’m always paranoid when I’m out and about, wondering if I’ll run into somebody I know and whether or not they know what I’ve done, it is literally like torture for me. Sometimes people look at me or speak to me in a way that makes me think they know, but then later I wonder if it was all in my head. Combine this with the fact that 2 years after she walked away from me, I still think about my former lover every day and I still miss her like crazy, as I probably always will, yet she seems to have moved on completely and has forgotten all about me as if I never meant anything to her, though she is still the most emotionally significant person I’ve ever had in my life.
All this has lead me to the conclusion that killing myself is very much warranted. I’m only 24, I don’t want to live in this hell I’ve created for myself for the next 60 years or so and the odds of ever having an enjoyable existence are so small as to be statistically negligible. My immediate family would be saddened by my death ( which is the only reason I’m still here ) despite my conviction, but literally hundreds of thousands to millions, possibly even billions of people would be GLAD to see me die. I’m writing this because, being as socially out of touch as I am and as mentally different as I am from most people, I need an external perspective. Do you think my conclusion is accurate? Do you think I would be taking the easy way out and deserve to live a long miserable life for what I’ve done? I honestly want to know what other people think, which is why I’ve included so many personal details, just to be sure I have all of the pertinent facts.
17 comments
i agreed with everything until the sexual assault. I took my aggression out on a dog. i beat it pretty bad but dogs are tough it was not harmed…..physically. my life is fucked and i cant hold a girl either, though i may be somewhat better off than you. you have a right to live just like everyone else. thats all you got, if you scarred that girl i hope you can make up for it. thats a good reason to live.
Thank you for replying. I’ve read a lot on psychology as it relates to child sexual abuse. I’m pretty sure she will be ok as it wasn’t as bad as most people will immediately assume (which is why I was charged with a misdemeanor and not a felony ), but there is still that part of me that agonizes over it. I sincerely hope that she will not be affected long-term because of what I’ve done, I really do.
i cant really hold a job either. they eventually pull my record then they fuck with me and treat me like an asshole till i quit. first time they pulled it on a job i just dealt with it, i pretended they did not know.the second time they pulled my file on a job, i wasn’t expecting it cause the file was sealed, but after that first time i knew they had found it . patriot act nullified that and law enforcement could share info willy nilly. I paniced the 2nd time and told the girl i drove to work i had a family emergency and drove my self home and proceeded to have a massive panic attack. i thought i was going to die. I drove the car back to her house, put it in the driveway and put the keys in the mailbox. i left a mssg that here keys were in the box and she would have to find a ride. i saw here once after that and appologized. she said nothing. when they pull YOUR record YOU will be expecting it. just please dont have a massive panic anxiety attack like i did. it will ruin your life.
Your punishment is a life of redemption. No matter how statistically small an enjoyable existence may be – in death – there isn’t a chance at all.
exactly. at least there are two people here that have a real reason to be suicidal. i wonder if anyone will learn a lesson from this….
thats all ive ever don wrong and its killing me. I had sooo many reasons to be angry and i fucked up. the other mistake was believing that file was actually sealed. Im soo sorry to that girl i told her. I had a seriously massive panic attack.
Thank you, unbecoming, for taking the time to read and respond. Perhaps I do deserve to live the rest of my life this way. However, being friendless and romantically alone is so much harder than it sounds. Seeing examples all over the internet of how much people hate me and want me to suffer and die only reinforces the suicidal thoughts I have.; seeing how many people are convinced that I will molest a child again makes all the effort to be on the straight and narrow a wasted effort. Even if I’m never arrested for it again, they will just assume I was doing it without getting caught.
With such low self-esteem, I require personal validation from other people, and since all of them hate me, it kinda makes it a moot point. 60 years is a LONG time to live with this kind of internal anguish, as I’m not that motivated to work hard at anything to begin with.
I guess the truth is I’m just a lazy, spoiled child, which just makes me hate myself even more than I already do.
no you are not lazy or spoiled. society had put a label on you and now you have to deal with it
i dont think you really molested anybody. it sound like you are fishing like a douchbag cop
Aww… Here I thought I was going to get plenty of honest, quality feedback and it turns out all but one of my responses are from a Troll; doesn’t that just figure?
Hi SpawnedInHell,
My mother was molested as a child and does not think you should die. She read your post and thinks that you should instead seek treatment and seek answers about how to turn it around through a program like those on stopitnow.com The success rate for rehabilitation for sex offenders is actually very high when you get proper treatment. Some treatment facilities, such as the Project Pathfinder or similar ones, can help get your life back on track and can also find you a job that will hire you in spite of this. Also, what you did then does not mean that you are bad, only that you did that then. If everyone on Earth killed themselves for all the wrongs they’ve done, we’d all be dead. I, too, do not think you should die. Wait it out, at least, to see if your life will resolve. You never know, and suicidal people have had regrets before. You can turn this around.
Interesting post… I read it all, I cannot help you with your affair as I myself have never experienced it… However, I do want to comment about your job.. Going to a university? Not being accepted for a job anyway? Completely untrue…. Do you know who Oppenheimer is? He used to be in Cambridge…. He was a mental patient…. Psychologically disturbed MAD! INSANE! RETARDED! AND IDIOT! He tried to poison his tutor! …. However he was released because he was a brilliant physicist… He was released and treated with well manner and respect…. Even though seen as mad today people see him as brilliant, ironically he was part of the designer teams for the nuke sent to Hiroshima… He was called insane and was in a mental hospital but today is seen as a noble and wise man for his greatest creation… You will find a job I assure you that.. As long you don’t give up.. Being scared of people knowing about your past? I can comment on that too… What is the past is the past.. You know you cannot change it.. its done.. but that does not mean you cannot change yourself right now… Worried that someone will call you a molester? That was the past you can’t do anything about it right now.. But you can try to loose you social anxiousness. Go slowly.. Talk to people time to time, don’t jump in but slowly.. start of with a basic “hi” that can’t hurt anyone? Hi Spawned… I am proud that you are transferring into that university.. Of all people I hope you keep trying… May peace be upon you and your family.
i may be a troll but you are way worse, i do agree with that last post from omar
@ Silent Cutter31 I’m glad you and your mom don’t think I should die, especially considering what your mother has been through. Thank you for your kind words and for the references to those websites. I keep myself well informed on sex offender recidivism rates and various studies, and I’m not worried about re-offending. It will NEVER happen, I have never been more sure of anything in my life. I avoid children like the plague, just being in the same room as them makes me feel like I’m doing something horribly wrong. In the future though, when I have the money, I will almost certainly see a sexual therapist and undergo some therapy for my personality disorder.
@ omar khalil Yes, I am familiar with Robert J. Oppenheimer, though I wasn’t aware of his poor psychological health. I’m glad you seem so certain I’ll be able to get a job, I hope you are right. Once I can afford it I will undergo cognitive behavioral therapy and assertiveness training ( the only real treatment for my personality disorder ).
@ solitary I have to say, you are the strangest troll I’ve ever encountered. In one breath you are insulting and inflammatory and in the next you are positive and supportive. I’m a little confused by the bi-polar nature of your comments, but at the very least one could say you are unique ( or at least of a rare breed ). It’s a refreshing change of pace.
And finally, to everyone, thank you for taking the time to read my post ( I know it was a bit on the lengthy side ) and taking additional time to respond. The encouraging responses were unexpected, but I’m very grateful, and I do feel better now. Thank you very much.
You’r most welcome spawned, Good luck with your training! May it go out well and may you feel better! Peace be upon you brother.
Hey spawnedinhell, when were you diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder? If it was during school, how did you manage with the social anxiety?
I have social anxiety, and I’m 16 female and just curious, I understand if you don’t want to share.
I was diagnosed about 3 years ago I think, when I was 21 or 22. The thing with AvPD is that untreated it gets a lot worse fairly quickly. Of course maybe I’ve only gotten so much worse so quickly because of bad luck and poor decisions on my part. In high school I didn’t really have much of a problem. I live in a small town, so the friend I had from elementary school made other friends in high school who then became my friends. I just stuck with my social circle and I was fine. The school was so small though, that I pretty much knew everybody anyway. I think the whole high school only had 600-700 students.
Social anxiety is tough, and if you don’t find a way to work through it, it may cause you some very serious difficulties later on. Like most medical conditions, it will only get worse if left on it’s own. I would most definitely recommend taking care of it now before it gets worse.
Lol, I don’t even know if you were asking for my advice… I’m sorry if I’ve misunderstood and come across as a know-it-all. I just know first hand how difficult things have become for me as my condition gets worse, and I wouldn’t wish this on anybody.