Narcissistic Mother & protective rescuing father keeping peace

Trying moment to moment to be normal in a body that lived with being tormented by a Narcissistic mother and the rescuing father who protected her. And bullied by the oldest step sister. Mother had no empathy to know how she made anyone feel nor did she care when mentioned. It was always your fault, it was never good enough nor could you be good enough. She says mean things, was jealous of my father and I and would lie like as if a natural trait. She had a mental breakdown and institutionalized when I was a small child of 3 and when she came home after month’s of treatment including shock treatments my father remained married to her and when she did things that very verbally abusive she was never held accountable. In fact at my own costs to belong I’d have to ignore what she did and never address it because the consequence would be denied or tables turned that I deserved it or excused because she was never at fault. No one stood up or guided me in being worthy. Until 2009 my fathers illness was days away from his death did it even get noticed how my mom and sister really were. It’s then I finally had a validation and that my years of pain acknowledged by other’s whom had the same experience. While I’m not suicidal, I’m fine with death coming because I’ll no longer feel pain or hopelessness as I attempt to heal from the depths of the black hole as I organically and logically attempt to pull myself out of the grips of my past. No book nor persons can relate to how I feel as everyone is individualized and they have no idea about my experiences as I lived them. I can only wish & reach for an inner peace and hope one day I make it their as my mind and soul deserves the rest and peace that I’ve longed for. I’m enrolled in Psychology and read many books like “Will I ever be good enough” & Children of Narcissist. I’ll keep going on my journey and hope one day I can rest upon my findings… If ever I had a wish it would be “proud to be me” and that my Dad would communicate that he was sorry and now understands what pain he has caused by protecting her when in truth he destroyed far more people in that process including himself. He did not see the web she weaved as her sly narcissist ways snuck upon many even overpowering his brilliant scientific mind. See you again one day… Dad… under a light that’s brighter then the one we lived most our lives.