I woke up, got dressed, took my dad’s car to school (cuz my car had a huge layer of ice all over and it wouldnt melt in time) and went to class.
when i got there, i just wanted to cry. it was so hard not to.
because i realized that i really dont want to study radiology. probably not even health care at all.
I’m bombing my biomedical terminology class, i can never focus on my homework, and i never learned to study (never really had to in high school.) this is a 4-credit-hour class (honors level) that is required for anybody who is going to work in health care. and I’m bombing it. FML.
the thing is, if i dont work in health care, i dont know what else im going to do. i love art, music, and science, but im never going to get good enough grades to work with science or health care. and there are no jobs for someone with a music or art degree (fuck teaching, im never doing that.)
im fucked.
my whole life is fucked if i dont figure this shit out. no way am i working in retail for the rest of my life.
i dont know what the fuck to do. sitting in class, i really just wanted to give up and go off myself. after wednesday of course (my bf and i, thats our 1-year anniversary) after spring break (might as well have some fun before i go. get drunk, smoke some cigarettes.) but im not sure if i should do it before my 20th birthday or after. it would be nice to know what its like to not be a teenager anymore. but i dont want to accept gifts from people just to die a few days later. i know suicide is a selfish thing, but accepting gifts from people then killing yourself seems even more selfish.
i dont know what to do about my bf though. this would ruin him for the rest of his life.
but ive been depressed pretty much my whole life. and i dont know how im going to put up with it for the rest of my life for another 30, 40, or 50 years. fuck that shit.
4 comments
Not knowing what you want to do is part of life. You’ll find you calling. There are people well beyond where you are now who realize they went down the wrong career path. You have choices. Don’t ask yourself, “What can I do?”, ask, “What do I want to do?” and then grab it by the balls. If it doesn’t come straight away, give it time, and enjoy yourself till it does. Also, don’t stop doing the creative stuff just because it’s unlikely to become a career. It’s always good to be creative, and who knows? It might be your calling.
I understand u, took honors biology in 8th grade. I hated it, did badly on tests Was a miracle I got a b in the end. Sucks though cause my dads a doctor and was hoping I would be too.
i know what my calling is
but i cant follow it because theres no jobs
If you don’t love radiology, you shouldn’t do it. You cannot sustain that. Period. Why are you in health care? Does it inspire you? Do you want to help people?
Here’s a short story. I love the arts. I studied the arts. 90% of the way through an extremely terminal degree I realized that while I love the arts, I couldn’t do this professionally. So I stopped.
Changing was very hard. It felt impossible. I spent over a year just looking for a job — ANY job. I finally got a job answering phones at an office. Over time, I applied my strengths and interests, and now I develop software for that same company. I love what I do.
Hollywood1919, you never know when that will happen to you. Most of life is pointless, as you have discovered. But loving what you do, what you get up every morning to do — is priceless. Discovering what that is — is the hard part.
If you love music and art, you should pursue music and art. Apply to give tours at a museum. Write critical articles for a journal and keep sending them in until someone accepts it. Teach piano lessons to 8-year olds. Wait tables and tell all your customers how passionate you are about art. Whatever it takes to sustain your dream until you realize it, that is what you must do. When you realize it, you will know it’s worth it.
BTW, take it from someone who hires others now, grades are nothing. Nothing. Self-motivation, passion, and a willingness to explore and improve are absolutely everything. You HAVE that passion, you just have to apply it. It will not happen overnight, but if you hold on to it, it WILL happen.