A long road ahead

well….i guess im not going to kill myself. iv made promises to a few people to not go through with it. so that means im stuck with all of my problems for the rest of my life. sure there may be a cure for depression in the future, but psychosis…thats a different story. my hallucinations have gotten so disturbing and fucked up. i just run to my room and cry almost every time i see or hear something. if i dont run to my room, i just breakdown on the spot. the most recent thing i saw was a shadow figure holding a kinfe….just watching me. and the last thing iv heard was my dead grandmothers voice saying how im a mistake and that im worthless and that she was gunna kill me. its almost been 16 years of this crap and it isnt getting better, just worse.  and every time i think of my future i think about how much more messed up my depression and hallucinations will be. it is literally impossible for me not to cry every time i think about my future. i already know that im gunna be put in an institution when im in my twenties, and that is really gunna be hell. i went to a mental hospital before, and i cant even remember some parts of it, they drugged me to much. i couldnt think, see, speak fluently, or even stand. i really dont want to go through that again, but it probably is gunna happen anyways 🙁 i cant even go a week without having something really bad happen to me. and im not just talking about bad, no, its stuff like people i care about getting cancer. this week iv lost four of my friends…and it wasnt even my freakin fault! im just stuck with having bad stuff happen to me all the time :/god my life is gunna be hell. i know i could have it worse, like i could be homeless or something.  so im grateful that hasnt happened to me. but there is always the possibility that my dad will find out im bi and kick me out of the house. i dont doubt for a second that he would to that to me. so, what do i have to look forward to??? being homeless or in an institution??? my friends keep on telling me that i will get better, but i have my doubts bout that. but i am giving it my all to get better. i want to get better more than anything. but i dont think its gunna happen. no amount of medication or therapy is gunna be able to help me. iv been on meds for over a year now and i had therapy for a few months. they both made things worse. if anyone has advice or just wants to talk, please leave a reply.