Iv had hallucinations all my life. It just keeps getting worse every day. Im so fucking tired of it. If anyone has any methods to dealing with it, please share.
this is the second time in 3 fucking days. i cant take this anymore.
well….i guess im not going to kill myself. iv made promises to a few people to not go through with it. so that means im stuck with all of my problems for the rest of my life. sure there may be a cure for depression in the future, but psychosis…thats a different story. my hallucinations have gotten so disturbing and fucked up. i just run to my room and cry almost every time i see or hear something. if i dont run to my room, i just breakdown on the spot. the most recent thing i saw was a shadow figure holding a kinfe….just watching me. and the last thing iv heard was my dead grandmothers voice saying how im a mistake and that im worthless and that she was gunna kill me. its almost been 16 years of this crap and it isnt getting better, just worse.Â and every time i think of my future i think about how much more messed up my depression and hallucinations will be. it is literally impossible for me not to cry every time i think about my future. i already know that im gunna be put in an institution when im in my twenties, and that is really gunna be hell. i went to a mental hospital before, and i cant even remember some parts of it, they drugged me to much. i couldnt think, see, speak fluently, or even stand. i really dont want to go through that again, but it probably is gunna happen anyways 🙁 i cant even go a week without having something really bad happen to me. and im not just talking about bad, no, its stuff like people i care about getting cancer. this week iv lost four of my friends…and it wasnt even my freakin fault! im just stuck with having bad stuff happen to me all the time :/god my life is gunna be hell. i know i could have it worse, like i could be homeless or something.Â so im grateful that hasnt happened to me. but there is always the possibility that my dad will find out im bi and kick me out of the house. i dont doubt for a second that he would to that to me. so, what do i have to look forward to??? being homeless or in an institution??? my friends keep on telling me that i will get better, but i have my doubts bout that. but i am giving it my all to get better. i want to get better more than anything. but i dont think its gunna happen. no amount of medication or therapy is gunna be able to help me. iv been on meds for over a year now and i had therapy for a few months. they both made things worse. if anyone has advice or just wants to talk, please leave a reply.
Im tired of people telling to snap out of it
Im tired of people saying its just a phase
Im tired of people making fun of me
Im tired of people telling me it will get better
Im tired of people telling me to stay on my meds
Im tired of people telling me i can get through this
Im tired of people asking if im ok when they already know the answer
Im tired of seeing and hearing shit that isnt there
Im tired of not being able to cut a little bit deeper
Im tired of only having the emotions: sadness, hatred, and guilt
Im tired of life only getting worse
Im tired of losing my friends
Im tired of crying
Im tired of hurting myself in an attempt to feel numb
Im tired of not having the motivation to do anything
Im tired of only seeing the bad in everything
Im tired of my mind telling me how to kill myself with any object i see
Im tired of praying to god when he dosnt give a damn about me
Im tired of being jealous of every person that can smile out of happiness
Im tired of having to fake everything
Im tired of the doctors
Im tired of completely hating myself
Im tired of the people who say the care when they really dont
Im tired of feeling trapped all the time
Im tried of staring at the ceiling, wishing it would collapse on me
Im tired of my mind being consumed with thoughts of death
Im tired of breathing
Im just fucking tired of it all
For a while i honestly thought that i might be able to recover and live a life. God, was i wrong. I dont know what the fuck possessed me to think that way. Iv been this way since i was a little kid, after years of hell, why would it get better all of a sudden? Maybe it was because i could barley feel the emotions i was faking. I guess that just made me think im getting better. But really, im just getting worse.Â Im just fucking fed up with life, nothing ever goes right for me. I plan on killing myself by carbon monoxide poisoning the day i get a car. Iv tried other stuff, but iv never had the guts to do it. Iv put a loaded gun to my head many times and iv tried hanging myself twice. I couldnt kill myself any of those times. But something is different now. Before, i had a reason or two to live. Now, I still have a few reasons to live, but i want to die so bad now that i think i can go through with it and forget about those reasons. This pain is unbearable, i just cant take itÂ anymore. Im tempted to just go jump infront of a car on the highway. But i dont want to take a chance that i will survive. So im probably not going to do that. That just means that i have to wait a little bit over two months to get a car and kill myself.
For those of you who already know me, you are aware that i have lost my mind. But i could somewhat put up with it with help from my medication. But now iv losing something far more valuable, im losing the one i love most in this world. Something has happened to us that may prevent us from ever seeing each other….i dont want to go into detail. I cant live without this person, i just cant. If things dont work out, im gone. I just cant decide how im gunna kill myself. I have this nice little knife hidden in the back of my safe that i didnt even know existed until a little while ago….maybe i should use that. Although i already have a noose made and a nice little spot in my closet. Or maybe ill use something as simple as a lighter and some lighter fluid. Choices, choices choices. Maybe ill ask the voices, they always have a plan. Im sure i will have come up with something for when the time comes.
Well, i think i have finally completely lost my mind beyond repair. My hallucinations are now more frequent and much more disturbing. Before i could handle any of the hallucinations that i would have, but not anymore. For example, yesterday i watched blood flow down my ceiling while my dead grandmothers disembodied head was floating in the corner of the room. You probably think that im making this up, but im not. Im now dealing with these types of hallucinations on a daily basis and i have to say its messing me up quite a bit. And on top of that im dealing with the voice that pushed me over the edge at one point and made me decide to commit suicide. Of course i failed, which was not much of a surprise to me since i cant do anything right, and i was locked up in a mental hospital for a week. There i had some of the worst experiences in my life. And at one point i started experiencing freight or flight and had to be sedated. There was also no source of entertainment to keep my mind off the hallucinations and my depression. I couldnt sleep i coulnt eat, although that is pretty much what happens to me everyday. I just cant take it anymore, i just cant. Iv put up with this for almost 8 years now and im just turning 16 in a few months. I dont want to die but i dont want to live. I just want to get away from all of this shit that is happening to me. I dont want to hurt the few that love me, but i dont want to stay here to suffer anymore. For example, if someone pulled a gun on me, there is a high probability that i would help them pull the trigger. There is only one reason that im really trying to continue to live, but ill explain that some other time.
I have suffered from schizophrenia for as long as i can remember. First it started off with hearing a voice scream my name so loud i thought my eardrums would burst. Then it slowly progressed to visual hallucinations, i started to see shadowy masses that were in the shape of a person. Then a few months ago i began to actually feel hallucinations touch my arm. A few weeks ago i began to see faces of people that i dont recognize. And just today i have began seeing inanimate objects move. I’m not really frightened by the hallucinations themselves, but its what they bring with them that frightens me. They bring the memories of the absolute worst days, months, or years of my life. Every time i hallucinate im not thinking “what the hell was that” im thinking “grandma, why did you try to kill yourself in front of me”Â or “dad, why are you always drunk”. Its these god damn memories that haunt me, not my hallucinations.Â It just seems like every horrible day i have i am guaranteed to have a messed up hallucination or more than one.Â And once i hallucinate something, i wont just remember the day, but i remember how i felt when those memories flooded into my head. Sometimes i just feel worse, other times i just start crying my eyes out. I just need the memories to stop.
I have been on multiple psych meds over these last few months. I only had one medication work and itÂ was called respuridol, unfortunately i had a very bad side effect to it and am afraid to take it again. I was wondering if anyone knew a good medication to control hallucinations that dosent have really bad side effects. If there is a med like that, is it expensive?Â Or is there no medication like that out there? I dont know very much about medicine , so im sorry if these sound like stupid questions, but i need to know if there is something out there that can help me.
Hi, my name is Daniel. Im 15 years old and have suffered from depression for 7 years. I have also suffered from hallucinations, and bipolar. I hate myself more than anything have started cutting again. I am also slowly becomingÂ suicidal again. I held of on killing myself a few months back because i had a little bit of hope that i could get better. Shortly after that i got on meds. The meds didnt do shit for me for a few months, instead all of the worst side effects took place, such as having my neck spasm until it almost broke and vision problems. And during the time i was on meds i began to relaize how pointless it is for me to live. The only reason im alive right now is because i dont want to hurt the few people that care about me. And i honestly dont know how long that reason will keep me here. Its not like i have any potential to do anything , so whats the point of me living here? Every single day is torture for me… i just cant take it anymore, im even starting to cry again. And the fucked up thing is….im on great medications and they are perfectley balanced right now, and they arent making much of a difference. So i have been wondering if this is really what i have been waitng for….is this why i stayed alive? Because honestly,Â i wish i killed myself the very first time i put a gun to my head. The meds have made such a little difference in how i feel, but nothing really significant. The weird thing is that my meds make me act somewhat happy. I laugh at the stupidest things, i smile for no reason…..but on the inside im crying my eyes out. I really dont know how much longer i can keep going….i just want the pain to end.
Hi, im Dan and im 14. I have suffered from chronic depression for seven years of my life and i am not sure how much more of it i can take. I have attempted suicide multiple times, and i almost hung myself just a few minutes ago. The only thing that is keeping me here is my friends….but im not sure how much longer i will be in this world with them. I just cant take this pain much longer. I hope that my friends will be able 2 forgive me for this, but i doubt it. I know killing myself is selfish but i honestly dont know what else 2 do. My life is falling apart. I just want it to end. I dont care if i go 2 heaven and i dont care if i go 2 hell just as long as i have a dark little corner 2 cry in. I know i will never get better, and i have given up tryin 2 feel better. I am going to write a suicide note after this post and get that out of the way. Goodbye everyone
I have been taking anti-depressants for around 2 months. And for a while they actually helped me…but they are doing the exact opoisite of what they should be doin rite now. They have put me into a worse depression than i have ever been in, and i want to die more than ever. Now, i cry every single nite, i have started cuttin again, and im thinkin bout suicide more than ever. I dont know why this is happenin 2 me. Is it normal for anti-depressants to backfire eventually and make you more depressed and suicidal?
well…this is my fourth post on here. and i am now feelin worse than i have in my entire life. i have started cuttin again, it is the begining of the 7 year of my depression, and my anti depressants were workin 4 a while….and now they arent doin shit. im just so fuckin tired of feelin this way. and most of my friends just tell me to cheer up and to snap out of it…and they just dont understand that “snappin outta it” isnt possible. if i could snap outta it i would. i dont want 2 feel like shit all the time…i want to feel better. depression isnt a trend…its a curse. and now my psycaiatrist thinks im schitzafrentic and thinks im a total fuck up. it seems like every time i talk 2 him i feel twice as bad by the end of the session. and its amost myÂ 15th birthday…i should be havin the time of my life rite now..but im not…im in hell. i just want 2 die so bad…and if i do try 2 sucide again i need 2 make sure tat i dont survive….otherwise its back 2 the mental hospital.
So far i have tried everything 2 get help. I have been 2 psyciatrists, doctors, i just finished a week stay at a mental hospital, im on meds, and i am still so fuckin depressed. Im 14 and have been depressed for 6 years, and it is going 2 be 7 soon. I dont know what happiness feels like and i doubt i ever will. I do cut, but i am trying 2 stop. I just need a way out, and i am starting 2 think about suicide again.Â I just dont know y i am supposed 2 live. I have no talents or potential. Im just a fuck up. Im worried bout the people i would leave behind. Wen they found out that i wuz depressed it supprised them alot cuz i can fake bein happy really good. A lot of them got really scared and i dont want 2 hurt any of them, but i want 2 die so bad. Im thinking about getting off of my meds. If i stop takingÂ my psych meds i will have a seizure and die. I wouldnt need a gun or anything. It wont be painless, but im used 2 pain…its all i no. I just wish that there wuz sumpthin that could help me.
Im a 14Â year old guyÂ and have been depressed for 6 years. I cut, i had’nt eaten in a week until my parents forced me 2 last night(no i am not anarexic, i am just not hungry anymore), i only sleep wen i pass out from exaustion and i wake up every few minutes because of sum very fucked up nightmares, and i am starting 2 hallucinate things. I have missed school for months at a time because i have been way 2 depressed 2 even go there, and the only way that i got out of schoolÂ 4 so long is becauseÂ i lied and made it sound like i had IBS. Although in just a few hours my parents r forcin me 2 take sum IBS tests and i no that it will show no trace of IBS and my parents will wunder wut the hell is goin on. And chances are my parents will kill me because they will find out that i have been missin school cuz i am depressed(they care bout my education way 2 much). And i cant even function anymore, i am always 2 busy thinkin bout killin myself. I am on a homeschool program until after christmas break and wen i wuz takin a test at my home i couldent even figure out wut 3+2 is.I no that i have been postin a lot for these last couple of days and i am really sorry, but i just really need 2 talk 2 sumone bout wut is happenin 2 me. I cant talk 2 my parents, teachers, school counselor, or go 2 see a saicaiatrist for many reasons.
Anyways i wuz actually gunna 2 kill myself yesterday and i wuz just talkin 2 my friend that i had told bout my depression a couple weeks ago and i mentioned that i wuz gunna finally kill myself. She kept on tellin me not 2 kill myself and 2 get help and i really dont no where 2 go. She told me that if i dont at least try 2 get help than she is gunna tell my parents bout wut is happenin 2 me. I promised her that i would try 2 keep on livin 4 a few mor days but i will probably end up killin myeslf in the end. I am not sure if she is gunna tell my parents, but if she does only 2 things can happen: My parents will either kill me or i will be sent to a psycho ward and be locked up there and be drugged till i get better(and i doubt i can ever get better).
My life is just hell now, i cant even do the simplest of things anymore and all i do all day is sit in a dark room thinking bout killing myself. I am also gettin a really bad temper, andÂ i am afraid that i am gunna hurt sumone cuz of it. The way i see it is that almost everyone will be better of if i am dead. My parents can get outta debt and Â i wont ever be able 2 hurt anyone. There will be 2 or 3 of my friends that would actually miss me, but i hope that they can understand. I already made a suicide note, so all i gotta do is say goodbye 2 those few people that would actually miss me and then i can put myself out of my misery. I just want my life 2 be over so fuckin bad.
If u can help or just talk 2 me my e-mail isÂ Daniel56843@yahoo.com
If u dont know what is happenin 2 me just read the post Help Me! But i have got a really fucked up choice 2 make. I have missed school because i am depressed….but not just a few days, months at a time. I lied and made it sound like i had IBS, but now they are goin 2 do tests on me in 3 days. I no that the results r gunna show no trace of IBS, so my parents r probably gunna freak out, and if they find out that i missed school cuz i am depressed i am probably going 2 get shot by them. So the way i see things is i got 3 choices:
1. end my life now and put a bullet through my head
2. run away and try 2 make a livin in sum alley
3. chance it and take the tests and see what happens when they find out that i dont have IBS
I am really dont no wut 2 do right now. I am thinkin bout eatin a bunch of greasy food 2 get my stomach messed up before the tests so it may seem like i have IBS, but killin myself does seem pretty good right bout now. It is not like i have any potential in life 2 do sumptin good, so far i have failed my first semester at school. So if i take the tests and my parents dont kill me i will still have a shitty life. The only reason i am living is cuz of my friends, but i really have stopped carin bout wut will hapen 2 them if i kill myself. My depression is even getting worse, and i think i might even be goin crazy right now. I am even startin 2 hallucinate things, but i did find out that you can start 2 hallucinate things cuz of depression. But still, i think that i may be loosin my mind. I am starting 2 get really pissed of if even the slightest thing goes wrong or if sumone does sumpting slightly wrong 2 me. I do have thoughts bout killin my parents sumtimes, and if i wanted 2 kill sumone, i can do it with ease unless they got a gun or knife. Im 6’3″ as strong or even stronger than most adults and have dun martial arts since i wuz 5. So, if i am goin crazy i dont wanna end up hurtin sumone. I just dont know wut 2 do anymore. Why am i such a fuck up?!
First off, i am not doin this because i want attention. I am doin this because i need help, and i dont know how to get any help other than this. I am 14 and i have been depressed since the 3rd grade, i even started havin suicidal thoughts then. Although, now things have gotten a lot worse. I have had to take time off of school because of this. 4 sum reason i cant even focus anymore there. All i can think of anymore is puttin a gun 2 my head n pullin the trigger(and yes i have put a loaded gun 2 my head before, i even pulled the trigger once only to find out that the one time i actually pulled the trigger i forgot to put a bullet in the chamber). I dont even know what started this, but i dont think that i can take it any longer. The only reason that i am still alive right now is because i am worried aboutwhat will happen 2 my friends if i kill myself. Especially my best friend, i am worried that it would fuck him up if i kill myself because we have known eacother for almost all of our lives.I cant go and see a therapist because if my dad finds out that i have been missin school cuz i am depressed he will probably kill me the second he finds out. I am also a little afraid to talk to most of my friends about this because most of them would probably try to get my locked up in a psycho ward. So, i really dont know what to do anymore, i havent been happy with my life in years and things dont look like they are going to change anytime soon. I just feel worthless all of the time, and i am so close to killin myself right now. Im not eating, i cant sleep, and i have been getting headaches a lot. I would really appreciate any help you can give me. Also, srry that this wuz so long.
I dont want to talk about this with my teachers because they are assholes, and if i talk to my school counselor im fucked. The school counselor that i would see has a mom that is my moms best friend. So if the counselor found this out, i know that this would get back to my mom. So then my parents would probably start chasin me around with guns tryin 2 kill me. But thank you for tryin 2 help me i appreciate it.