Each day gets harder than the last..

I don’t even know where to start..I hate talking about my problems, I hate having to explain things when ppl won’t even understand me or what I’m saying..it’s annoying!!! So I’m a good prison, the sweetest thing ever, yet all this crap happens to me. I’ve dealt with depression since I was about 11 or 12 started cutting at 14..the bf I had when I was 19 helped me to stop, I love him so much bit he broke up with me after 2 months for his own personal reasons..anyway I didn’t start cutting again, I kept my promise but then alcohol came along and I drink and drink to get drunk whenever given the chance. cutting was my release my stress reliever and now not even drinking gives me that “high”..besides my dad passed away in august, haven’t been able to completely accept it..and well, cutting now would just bother me if my dad were to see that i don’t know.. I apologize if the way I’m writing is all scattered, there are all these clusters of thoughts in my mind..anyway my mom just found out about my cutting when I was 18 because of my 1st ex bf, he couldn’t handle my issues anymore..my ex bf who helped me stop cutting moved into my house because he was living in fl. I’m in nj and he had lots of problems at home so he moved here hoping for something good to happen in his life, go to school, a job the basics..he’s been here a month and before he got here he wanted to be with me and he does still love me and he cares about me sooo much I do know that but now he’s confused as to whether he loves me as a best friend or as more. He waited at first because I had just broken up with my ex bf, it was my first time breaking up, I was always being broken up with..but I just feel like there’s something wrong with me..all these things happen to me, I just can’t help but feel this way..right now and there have been times before, I feel like just dying and like nobody cares enough about me..as a kid I was always being rejected, only used for being the nerdy kid..I was never the best looking girl..always self concious about myself, no self-esteem whatsoever always feeling fat and disgusting in my own body, then coming home and be picked on by own brother calling me fat..although now ppl tell me all the time and think I’m pretty,cute, beautiful..I just don’t see it. There’s always this hate of myself that lives within me..I feel like killing myself. I’ve tried twice before and nothing really happened. I’m still here. I’m tired of living with this anxiety, depression, sadness, and misery. I’ve been to therapy, a psychologist, I’ve been on anti-depressants..nothing has helped. I still feel like cutting thoughbi don’t do it, I still throw up my good when I feel guilty for eating, I barely eat, I always feel like drinking. My ex has his share of problems, I still feel like I’m worthless, I can’t help him with his problems, or make him feel better..I always feel like shit, I feel weak and uncomfortable. I feel anger and no way of releasing it..it’s just build up after build up..I just want to die and end my misery in this cruel cruel world.