Just me

When I was around 6 years old I was molested for about 3 years by my neighbour. Both my parents would be at work so I’d have to spend hours at their place. She’d tie me down onto a bed or a chair or pin me to the floor and brutilise me with household objects and afterwards would always threaten that if I told anyone she’d hurt me a lot more and no one could stop her. Being so young and stupid, I was scared to tell anyone, afraid that she’d keep her promise

My parents were completly ignorant to this, probably that my dad wouldn’t care and my mother had a close relationship with her and suspected nothing. One day before mum went to work she was taking me to her house and I cried begging her to stay home so I wouldn’t have to go. My mum was a little worried and starting questioning me until I told her everything. My mum owed quite a bit of money to my neighbour because they bought drugs from her and she didn’t want to get police involved incase they would get into trouble too, so my mum confronted her and had a massive fight which resulted in the neighbour moving and never having contact with us again.

For awhile everything was fine. I developed paranoid phobia’s and had constant nightmares but my mum let me sleep in her bed and I felt safe. In my nightmares I often thrashed and hit my dad who over time became increasingly frustrated with me. One night I was being disobedient not wanting to sleep so he carried me out of the house and locked me in the garage. This became routine whenever I didn’t do as he asked. My mum tried him but he hit her and after a fight it turned into me being locked in my room instead of the garage. My sisters also teased me, we had a fruit that grew in our backyard that I was allergic to, if I touched it I broke out in a rash and had bumps on my skin. One of my sisters would throw the fruit at me for her amusment.

At school I only had around 3 friends who I trusted and didn’t want to make any more. Too many times i’d been roped in by fake friends who only wanted to take my things. Despite that I was lonely and welcomed the company. In highschool I got picked on a lot for the way I looked or because I wasn’t the smartest kid. I hated all the “cool kids” who would pick on me in sports by kicking or throwing balls into the back of my head. One time I broke down and cried after a soccar ball was kicked into my hand, jarring it. They all laughed and bullied me about it. Not knowing what to do I started to cut myself, shallow at first but deeper later on. Knowing the steriotypes I cut near my shoulders so I could wear sleeved shirts without people knowing.

I didn’t really feel comfortable talking to people so when someone tried to chat to me I came off as rude and soon people stopped trying to talk to me all together. I rarely came to school if I could help it and even some of my classmates didn’t know my name even though i’d been in that class for months.

I took pleasure in staying in my room with my computer playing an online game. One day in it someone was complaining they had a stomach ache and was started talking. We talked all day everyday and I prefered this person whom i’ve never seen to my friends. It developed into the point that I shyed away from my friends and everything in my life, I didn’t really care cause at the end of my day I’d be able to talk to my friend. When I left school I thought that my few friends would contact me but they never did and when I tried to arrange something to do with them they always had plans. I probably went on for about a year of being isolated in my room talking to my friend online.

We talked for three years and I found out my friend also had problems like mine. It might sound weird but I fell in love with someone from the net. I made them things, sent them things and I believed they loved me back. I even met them and spent a few weeks in her house which was the best time in my life, we did things a couple would normally do. Things slowly started to change though. When I returned to my place she became depressed and wouldn’t tell me anything, she used to share her darkest secrets when I didn’t even ask but now she can’t tell me how she really feels. I tried everything I could to make them happy only to fail and be told lies. Around Februray we were talking, the conversation was horrible and ended with her saying she doesn’t think she loves me like I do her, but as a brother.

This hit me hard and we stopped talking for awhile. During that time I tried suicide. I’d tried two times prior making this my 3rd time. The 1st time I tried to hang myself but the only thing I had was nylon rope which dug painfully in my throat. I hung for what seemed a minute before the pain overwhelmed me. The 2nd time I took half a bottle of sleeping pills, knowing nothing of them I hoped it would work but when I woke up I was in a puddle of vomit and my mouth felt like it was peeling. The 3rd time I took a concoction of my mum’s medications and drank half a bottle of vodka, knowing nothing of drugs again I hoped that it would do the trick but sadly it didn’t.

My friend started talking to me again and I confided in some of their friends, telling them all the things we’d done together,asking for help, they were shocked since she’s never done the things i’ve mentioned with anyone. They gave me advice which in the end was rubbish and probably made things worse. I’m insecure and asked them a lot of things which more or less pushed them away and made them angry with me. I went to her place again to stay a few weeks but a lot of the time she ignores me when around friends, I can’t blame her, I’m terrible with converstaion, never knowing what to say and not wanting to share my feelings. She’ll rarely hug me but she’s all over her other friends or is busy txting some girl on facebook. But when it’s just the two of us it’s like she’s a different person..Unless she gets a message on her phone. As with most people i’ve got to know, I think I’m annoying her.

Funny thing is I walk around with cuts on my hands or arms and few notice. Some might ask what happened and I’ll say one of my pet birds scratched me or I must have done it in my sleep and they leave it at that, better then the people who see and say nothing I guess. I hate my family and I hate my “Friends” and I hate being in love with someone who doesn’t return the feeling, if she did that would be one thing I could truely be happy about. Sure, I’d love to remain her friend but everytime I look at her, she’s just so beautiful and the thought that I’ll be nothing more then a friend, one that will probably be forgotten when they’re older wants to make me cry. Everything about her seems out of my league and I keep deluding myself thinking if I see more of her and do more things for her that her feelings will change. I’m constantly  thinking how much of a deluded, selfish loser I am. I know I should get over her after she made herself  clear but in my mind she’s all I have.

I look disgusting. My hair is curly and I have bad skin. I’m small. I look in the mirror and feel repulsed. All throughout my life my sister has called me ugly and that I’ll always be alone. A silly thing to believe but after hearing it for so long it’s something thats always on my mind. I read things with people saying “You’re young, live your life and things will get better” Well, I’ve lived 18 years and so far most of it’s been fucked up. I’m sick of dreaming about the things I can never have and I’m tired of trying