Me again

I’ve just not been facing anything. Thinking there is a way out. I even booked a flight to Paris as I was going to jump off the Eiffel Tower. My mum found me in a state after clicking the confirm button on the flights. Now i’ve left everything too late and got trapped within my own mind not thinking straight. I cant face a thing and I dont knw what to do. I cant cope with knowing i’m never going to be happy again and how ive changed so much. I cant cope with living like this anymore. Theres so much more than just this. I used to be normal. I cannot cope with life now. Ive got myself too messed up. Each day is just getting more surreal. Each day brings more things to deal with and the more I retreat back into myself and hide away and it builds up because I cant cope with it. Because I think I will committ suicide. Even though I dont have the guts. I have no emotion at the moment. It doesnt seem to bother me writing about it even though I know how much of a mess all of this is. I dont understand why Im so calm at the moment. I get these spells and it scares me. I think things can be reversed -although they cant – I understand everything yet I still cant cope. Ive given up. I can feel myself coming back to normal . But its not normal because it feels like nothings happened. But I still dont want to deal with things. I just dont know.