I’ve found it
I found the one thing
the thing that’s only for me
It’s the one thing that I do for myself
without worrying about everyone else
about what they want
or what they need
and how they feel
I don’t have to show it off
I don’t need their encouragement
or their criticism
or even their approval
It’s the one thing I can do
and I don’t need any instructions
the one thing I am good at
Because no one can make me bleed
in quite the same way that I can
15 comments
that’s beautiful. before i continue, i need to know; do you want to stop cutting?
Yea, but its almost like I don’t even control it. It just happens, and before I know it I’m bleeding and I don’t try to stop it
hmm….it hasn’t worked for me, but have you tried therapy, or even confiding in a friend? sometimes having someone to vent to (or just feel shitty with) helps
I recently started therapy for my depression, but it makes me fell worse in a way. I posted a poem about it earlier. I don’t I have a session tomorrow and this cutting thing is very recent, so I might just tell her and try to end it before it gets worse.
I hope that works. Cutting is like any other addiction; you do it to feel good. I really hope you can find the support you need to keep moving forward. I know you said it is recent, but does anyone know about your cutting?
not yet
This may sound weird (or sarcastic, but I don’t mean to be), but have you tried surrounding yourself with happier things? You know, happier music, books, people, movies, etc until ya feel like you can piss out rainbows and sunshine?
i listen to music all the time, its not necessarily all upbeat and feel good, but it isn’t crying in the corner emo either. And I’ve been watching a lot of stand up comedy on tv lately, it’s just nice to laugh. But the root of my problem is that a majority of my life decisions are based on other people’s happiness. And thats not something I can easily change. Because a big part of my personality is a people pleaser.
i see. i’m not going to say ‘you need to focus on yourself’, because i get the feeling you already know that, and i know it’s easier said than done. who exactly are you trying to please?
mostly my parents, but lately i’ve been feeling pressure from every angle. Everyone in my life is just so damn proud of me. And I don’t have it in me to disappoint them. Thats also partially the reason I’m still alive, just don’t wanna break any hearts
mmm, well , that’s both a good and bad thing. it’s good that you care about their feelings so much that it’d be your driving force…but (you saw the ‘but’ coming, didn’t ya) i think this is something your parents really need to know. parents get proud and often don’t notice that their expectations are overwhelming..you need to let them know, otherwise they might end up losing you. better to have a heart to heart than spend the rest of your life tormenting yourself
Yea I know, I agonize over this every night. And I have a feeling that if I really truly tried I could make them understand, but they’ve had so much misery in their lives. They run a shitty motel in the middle of nowhere so they are completely broke. Their oldest son, my brother is a med school drop out who just recently quit his dead end call center job. Their youngest, my sister, is the typical teenage rebel who hates everyone in the fam. And my mom just tries so hard to make it all stay together. I’m supposed to be the one that they don’t have to worry about. I’m supposed to be the one who makes it through college gets a great respectable career and can take care of them all. I just can’t be one more disappointment in theirs lives; one more thing that they so desperately expected and deserved only to see it yanked away from them.
you’re going to be yanked away forever if you don’t at least try. i’m sure they’d rather help you through this and realize you’re not perfect than see you dead. your thoughts and feelings matter. YOU MATTER!! And anyone who tells you different can just get bent cuz haters don’t matter, they just get off on other people’s pain
I haven’t told anyone that I’ve been going to therapy, but I guess that would be a good starting point. I’m gonna try to muster up some courage and tell my therapist tomorrow about the cutting. Hopefully I can try to talk to my parents about what I’ve been going through. Maybe I’ll be able to take a break from school for a bit. Thank you or listening and for the advise. It feels good to see the words “you matter” because sometimes I just get so caught up in everything that I forget that. So thank you for that also
no problem, everyone need’s to be reminded from time to time. good luck with everything, you seem like too kind a person to be going through something like this..once again, good luck =)