I don’t care anymore. How can I, when the only thing on my mind is death?
I’m sick of it. Every fucking moment is spent wondering when and how I’ll die. Oftentimes they turn to suicidal thoughts, planning when to sort everything out prior to the act.
I just want this all to end. Yeah, it’s selfish. I know that already so don’t bother reminding me, it’ll get you nowhere. But you can’t say I didn’t try. Hell, I’ve been wanting to die the past nine years, contemplating suicide the past five. I held on for so fucking long, only to be told “you’ll get through this”, and “you’ve so much to look forward to”. The only thing I’ve ever looked forward to is death.
But to tell someone I’ve wanted to die since I was 6? There’s barely any point, is there? Who’d believe me anyway, who the fuck wants to die at 6 years old?! I’m not trying to single myself out. Hell, that’s the last thing I want to do. I want to fit in.
But I don’t. Life’s like a puzzle, you see. We’re the centre piece of it. But I don’t fit in to my puzzle. I don’t know why. Something went wrong. I went wrong.
“You’re going to get better”, they tell me. I wish. I’ve learnt that these things aren’t going to leave.
But I can.
4 comments
Let me guess…it’s probably because u feel like u don’t belong in this so-called “real world”, with its often obnoxious, bland humans & society,
isn’t it?..
You care somewhere you care. I don’t know where I don’t know why but you do. And to some existent you want live you wouldn’t be here and posting if you didn’t. Maybe you don’t even know it but you do.
gumbeaux10kat@yahoo.com
Kind of, I guess.
I believe you. I’ve been wanting to die for more than twenty years. I honestly think that if I could kill myself without bringing pain into the world, I would.
But doing it brings so much pain to the living, and as someone who suffers so deeply, so much of the time, the last thing I want is to make others suffer.
I may not have any answers for you, but I definitely know how you feel.
The one thing I can say is they learn more about our disease every year (and it is a disease we share, all of us up here have it and it’s real,) and the treatments are getting better, and they’re learning so much about genetics so quickly, one day they might have a cure.
I want to fucking die pretty much every day for most of mu life, but from time to time I have periods where I DON’T so i know what that’s like too, and I’ll tell you one thing—if they can one day cure this, I will stick around. It would be worth it.