HOPE

I’ve been having the weirdest feeling lately. It’s not really a ‘feeling’, but it’s hope. I’d never thought I’d feel it, ever. Being hopeless was one of my ‘best’ traits. But today I actually felt happy. I was home alone all day of course, but still. I opened the blinds, curtains, doors and let it a lot of sun. I made myself some bacon and eggs and I got my usual tutor. I cleaned for crying out loud, and I made my own ‘organisation book’ and a shopping list. And I even sat down and did my homework. That’s also usually the last thing I’d ever do. I felt… normal. Which was amazing.
I attempted suicide two months ago and hope was the last thing I’d ever thought I would feel. To be honest, therapy (compulsory) isn’t actually working. I mean, she’s really nice and all, but it isn’t actually doing anything. But I did this myself, I woke up early (well, earlier than usual) and I was happy and even a bit excited. I guess things do look up after all, when you really wait. Of course, I am still waiting for it all to tumble down again… I’m still ‘suicidal’ as it’s called. But maybe it’s all worth it when you stick it out and feel some sort of happiness in the end. I’ve always ignored the whole ‘every down has an up’ saying because I’d think they were just saying that because they had to (what else are you supposed to say them, eh?) and I just thought it was pathetic. But I guess when you experience hope for the first time, you understand it all. Everything has a different meaning.