Just wanted to introduce myself/what’s happened to me

I’m 20 years old, from the UK.  My parents divorced when I was young, maybe 5, but I’ve always had a loving relationship with both of them.  My Dad still loves my mum, and has told me so, but my mum has always spoken badly (to put it mildly) about my dad.  I was too young to know what happened between them, and I don’t like to bring it up, to find out what happened, in case I upset them.  A few years after the divorce, I’m not sure how many exactly, between 4 and 6 years, my brother, who is 13 or 14 years older than me, committed suicide.  Again I’m not sure how many years because I don’t like to bring it up.  It was decided by my parents that I wasn’t allowed to the funeral, In the past few years this has really haunted me, as I feel like I was never allowed to say goodbye.  Instead of the funeral I was sent to school, all I can remember is that it was a Friday.  Afterwards I was allowed to the Wake.  I’ve never really believed that my brother wanted to die, because of a friends experience at a spiritualist.  She went shortly after the funeral, and was told, without answering any questions, that she had told him (my brother) that she would look after his brother (me), but that she (the spiritualist) didn’t think that included sitting under tables.  She (the spiritualist) went on to say that my brother didn’t want to die.  At the wake I had been sat under the table with this friend.  She (the friend) had been asked to take care of me as my brothers friend because she was a dinner lady at the school I went to.  I didn’t find any of this out till I was 16 ish, which was 8 – 6 years after my brothers death.  It was at this point I became good friends with my brothers friend (the dinner lady).  It wasn’t until really  recently (past 3/4 months) that I came to the conclusion that my brother had killed himself because he had heroin debts that he couldn’t afford to pay, and didn’t want it taken out on his family.  He choose to kill himself near to where both my mum and dad lived, his body wasn’t found for a week.  It was found by an old man walking his dog.  I feel so much sympathy and pity for that man, although I have found a body before, I was only 12 or 13, and didn’t fully appreciate what I had seen.  I can’t imagine ringing the police, telling them you’ve found a body, and destroying a family.  My brother had once before threatened his life, in front of me, at my mums house, simply because she asked him what he wanted for Christmas.  I love him completely, and miss him everyday.  His death tore my family apart even more than it already was.

I can remember the day we found out, my dad had friends in the police force, they used to come round to his house in the squad cars for cups of tea and coffee, they once gave my sister a police escort, just so that she wouldn’t be late to a new years eve party.  One of my dads friends and his partner were parked up as we arrived at my dads house.  I was sent next door, something that had never happened before, to play on the PS2.  It was a racing game I played, I can’t remember which one, although I can remember I completely failed at it.  The next thing I know my dad is taking me home, to my mums house. I can remember sitting in the front room as he told us, what the rest of my family had feared, and what I hadn’t comprehended.  I was sat with my mum on one side and my sister on the other, with my dad next to my sister.  We both leaned on our respective parents, whilst holding hands in the middle, I felt like I was holding the family together.  My mums partner, who as far as I’m concerned is my step-dad, even though he isn’t married to my mum, was sat on the other sofa.  He had taken my brother to work with him on numerous occasions.  Its been about 10 years since all of this happened, and I think about him everyday.  Since I was 16 it has affected me, but only in the past 18 months has it really hit home.  Up until last year I didn’t even know my brothers birthday.

Since all this happened my dad moved away.  Its only a two hour drive from my home town, but as I don’t drive, and have moved even farther away, to go to university, I get to see him only a couple of times a year.  Quite recently, at one of my cousins wedding, he took me and my sister to one side, and asked us to kill him if the pain in his leg got any worse.  My sister, who is 10 years older than me took this in her stride, she’s much stronger than me, although it was only a few days ago that I found out she had been on anti depressants, and had seen a counsellor to get her to this point.  I on the other hand, not having the contact with my dad that my sister does, didn’t even know about my dads leg pain.  I started crying.  I knew that if it really came down to it I would do what my dad asked me to do, regardless of the consequences, I love him so much, I love every member of my family so much, that I could refuse them nothing.  Thankfully His pain has cleared up, and he’s much better now, although his best friend, and a man I respected and liked, has recently died.  I worry for my dad.  He’s cut off from all of his family, and most of his friends, and seems to hold a grudge against all of the family for moving on with our lives after his son (my brother) died.  I can’t tell him how I feel, in case it upsets him more, I can’t tell anyone.  I miss my brother everyday, and sometimes, like now, it becomes too much to bear.

I’ve thought, many times, about killing myself.  But I’ve never had the courage to go through with it.  I’ve though about cutting my self, smashing my head against a locker till it burst, and numerous other ways.  Always the thought of what it would do to the person that would find me, and the thought of what it would do to my family has stopped me.

In the past 6/7 months I have become close with the manager of the night staff at my student accommodation. We’ve been out drinking together, and exchanged stories, and have gone through very similar things, although he has gone though them first hand, and I, only second hand.  I found it extraordinary that fate should bring us together just when I was having a hard time dealing with my brothers death.  He has helped me through a difficult time, armed just with a cup of tea, and some prior knowledge.

Recently I have found if not complete peace, some measure of contentment.  I have a beautiful, in all meanings of the word, girlfriend, who as of Friday the 8th of April, will have been my girlfriend for a year and a half. Later today I will show her what I’ve written, something that I will have told no one else I know.  I Hope that she will understand what I have written and at least not love me less because of it.

I’ve just realised how much I’ve gone on about how I missed my brother every day, and how disjointed the whole thing is.  If anyone wants any clarification, just ask.

And more importantly if anyone needs someone to talk to I’m always here to listen.

Nickd944@hotmail.com – Email me, I’m not usually on IM