chicken & dunno what to do

I’m 17 and graduated from high school. I have IBS (leaky gas; stinks up a room in 10 minutes) and selective mutism. One makes everybody double over coughing. Another makes me a creep because I don’t show any expressions, laugh, say more than monotone Yes/No, and don’t talk. When I am in public, I have panic attacks; the way I walk (some people thought me retarded- and I have no leg/bone defects), my ground-staring, my teeth (jagged/multiple cavities each) and the smell.

My mother is delusional and denies I have mental issues. My stepfather thinks it’s all in my head.

I’ve tried to fix things. But no matter if I did the research, I didn’t have the freedom, the resources, or the confidence to implement them. I’m stuck forever. On antidepressants, when I try to say something, still nothing.

So, college orientation is very soon, where it’s one giant social event-
hurray for more ostracization, panic attacks, and further self-esteem plummeting/wishing to die- for 48 hours.

I don’t know what to do. If I drop out, I’ll rot for decades as an assistant at my parents’ office and watch TV, pretending virtual realities are real to tide the emptiness and failure. If I continue school, I’ll go through another panic-attack hell full of dirty looks and my own jealousy. And there’s no point in studying if you can’t hold down a job.

I don’t see myself living a long life. This orientation is the perfect impetus to end it. I just wish I had more guts. I know I’ll always be miserable and fantasizing endlessly if I don’t choose to end it right then. Ugh.