Hell is asking to be loved.

I wake up this morning after a night of loneliness and crying inside.

Actually, I only really cried once, but the rest of the night was just thinking too hard and hurting on the inside. For anyone who didn’t read my last two posts, I just found out the girl I like has a boyfriend. And I’m sick of waiting for the school year to come about to start something new, so I don’t know what’s going to happen. This is worse than it looks because now everytime I try and tell myself “we’ll fix stuff eventually, just think ahead”, I’m gonna realize that I don’t have much to look forward to anymore.

People usually tell me, “Don’t put all your priorities on relationships, if it happens, it happens.” I don’t know if I believe in that. Like, I don’t put relationships as a priority, but me, being lonely all my life, when something comes along then it’s a great, great thing to me. When they fuck up, and they usually do, the realization of how lonely I am comes along again and it hurts more than it should.

I’m still scared of the future. I’m stressed enough as it is right now, I have to do a shitload of summer school homework today, and I have to organize a few things related to doing shit with my friends in August. Which sucks, I have to literally organize hanging out.

I’m not suicidal, but I’m not daisies either. We’ll see what happens. I’ll probably write more this evening.

It’s a lottery baby, everybody roll the dice.

EDIT: I found the best lyric ever.

Will we always be like little kids
running group to group asking who loves me?
Don’t know who loves me!
It’s pathetic. It’s impossible.
Like girls in stilettos,
like girls in stilettos,
like girls in stilettos trying to run.