The Fork In the Road of Existence

Peace was stolen from me and life was forced upon me Jan 13th 1972… The result of a lunchtime accident… My Dad was in a popular band and a mean drunk’n drug addicted ass. My mom was a doormat… The molestation began when I was 4 and went on for several years by a family friend… I was a child porn star… I remember running around my dads parties drink the drinks people would leave unattended… I took my first hit of weed in kindergarten… I had 2 older brothers.. My dad would beat us with jump ropes, fists and bang our heads together or into the wall… His mental and verbal abuse was bad too… After the beatings he would tell us not to cry or he would give us something to cry about… So I learned at a very young age to stop crying and show no hurt emotions… The thing is they still existed inside… Started stealing bottles of liquor from the store in 4th grade, smoking weed often, snorting diet pills, cross tops or whatever i could take from my moms purse… Started meth and cutting in 7th grade… I was a skate punk… hated myself and everyone else but greeted life with a facade face… a high school drop out i married when I was 21 divorced at 33, i guess not being able to show emotions doesnt work well with a partner… Drinking heavily for 6 years, meth for 3 years i now stand at a turning point in my life… now 39… suicide thoughts have left for the time… i am reluctant to give up my misery… i love my misery and nobody will take that away from me… love and happiness will be taken so i dont give it room to grow in my life… i stand at the fork in the road for the first time in many years… the 98%er that I was i could never take that step off the ladder and finish it… so what do i do now..?… i can go for the gold or stay with what I am familiar with… happiness with a chance of losing it or misery forever…?