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Goner

by sadspock
written by sadspock

I ain’t living long like this. No one or nothing could help me. It’s been a decade, nothing yet. There are holes in the floor of my mind, like those in a medieval dungeon floor — Making it difficult for me to crawl back up from the pit. I feel worse than numb. The medicines only fucked me up real bad. I can’t even begin to talk about them for I’ll have to pen an entire fucking essay on it. Bruh. Oh, the ECT made me lose my fucking memory. Sure, it did help me with my severe mania episodes resulting from my Bipolar Disorder (Bipolar Psychosis), but it worsened my OCD and anxiety. And Ketamine Infusion Therapy sounded cool, but ‘twas only momentary. Nothing helped. Nothing helps. Constant panic attacks and PTSD episodes over trivial matters. I’m depressed. I’m paranoid. I’m neurotic. What-fucking-not. One of my most favourite fictional characters, Dr. Hannibal Lecter says, “If you weren’t  neurotic, Franklyn, you’d be much worse.” Well, guess what? I’m much fucking worse already! There’s no point beyond this. It’s said —

People who have psychotic episodes are often unaware that their delusions or hallucinations are not real, which may lead them to feel frightened or distressed.

Well, I wasn’t aware as well and was in complete denial about it. But now I am. I’m psychotic as fuck. Psychosis sucks. It’s morbidly awful. My psychiatrists were right after all. I may sound dumb, but why aren’t there methods to legally kill a person like me and ease the pain if the person involved consents to it? Why do we value a human’s life so fucking much? Ugh. Kill me already! I tried killing myself more than thrice, but joke’s on me; I’m a fucking loser! If I could, I would hire a hitman to kill me. I just… I want to go home. I want to die.

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General

Okay

by sadspock
written by sadspock

My tests say that I show extreme Alexithymia traits. Is that actually a thing? I don’t know. I don’t care about/for anyone. I just don’t give a fuck. I’m an awful person to even begin with. If you showed me a video of a child getting sawed, I’d stand stock-still. But if you showed me a video of an animal being abused, I’d flinch at a stroke. I don’t fucking understand myself. I hate humans. You could come to me crying, and I’d ask you to just fuck it and nothing more. I can’t help you with your emotional needs ‘cause I don’t relate. I haven’t truly loved anyone in all my life, and that’s just scary. I’m more in my head than in my heart. I don’t know if this is a boon or a bane. It’s like a two-edged sword, really. It’s just sad. Imagine ending up all alone because of this attribute… I don’t have a problem with that, but it’s funny I can’t have the normal things that normal people have. Can you believe that I’ve never felt butterflies in my stomach? I can never be okay.

They say tHe mEaNinG oF liFe iS lOvE, but what’s the meaning of my life when I don’t even love myself?

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GeneralRantsStories of Loss

Doomed

by sadspock
written by sadspock

[rant alert]

I’m unlucky. I can’t even begin to say how unlucky I’m. Maybe I just fuck myself up, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m fucked. I’ve nothing. I would top the school back-to-back in the mid-tests and mid-exams, but then my body would randomly decide to put my life in danger during RE/TEE. I had acute health complications, both physical and mental. I survived Varicella in grade 10 and Enteric flu in grade 12. I had only 30% attendance. Although, I still managed to score 97% (with two 100/100) and 92% tho, I didn’t top the school. That sure was embarrassing — note: I live in India with prying relatives around. It was time for college. I was hoping to get into IITs or go overseas – wasn’t able to do ‘em both as I couldn’t take JEE and SAT/ACT since I was fucking hospitalised again. I could’ve waited a year or so, but I was already running late for I did my nursery classes twice as I was mute. Although I’m now into one of the top 5 private universities of India (NIRF), it doesn’t really make me feel good. Oh, I also fucked up my college – consecutively fucking up my career. Same yada yada, I was a topper and a 9 pointer in 4/6 semesters yet, but my mental health got fucked real bad in the mid that I had to be immediately put in a psych ward. Well, that’s how I ended up with 8 backlogs by not attending the Winter 2018-2019 classes and exams. Upshot, I’ll be a timed-out student ‘cause of my arrears. I can’t as well clear ‘em on time for I hardly have only two semesters left, and unlike other universities here, our university requires us to redo the N grade courses for an entire fucking semester again by paying 6K/course. I thought I’d complete those due credits in the Summer I and II 2020 classes if they offered the courses I’ve N2 (<75% attendance) and N4 (absent to FAT) grades in, but thanks to Corona! No way I’d be there at the 2022 graduation ceremony. No way at all. Unlucky. So fucking unlucky. So, yes… timed-out and no on-campus placements for me. Surprise, mom – The 13-15L you spent on my useless degree is for naught, and your child is a stupid piece of shit, but you already know this. One may argue that marks don’t matter. Well, they sure don’t — but I was only good at one thing, and that was academics. I failed there as well. I’m not jealous, but the people that I helped with almost everything related to academics are way beyond me in life now. They’re all successful. Good for ‘em. But… don’t you think what’s happening to me is downright unfair? I’m just a waste of space, have always been. Everything has gone wrong in my life. Everything still goes wrong. I was born with (neonatal) Jaundice. Cerebral Palsy, Kernicterus, and DEATH were in order. They should’ve fucking let me die but no. 21 years later, death is still playing me. Still alive after all. Why? I don’t know. I want to die.

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GeneralRants

OD

by sadspock
written by sadspock

I OD’d on my psychotropic (/psychiatric) pills in 2019. ‘Twas a heavy overdose and my pills were strong and of very high dosages. I was naturally almost sure that I’d wind up dead. But guess what? I woke up in the morning. Not in a good state at all, but I awoke. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t utter a solitary word. Hell, I couldn’t even see things. I was cold. I’ve a long history of mental illnesses – BD and various PDs, so my folks figured out that I must’ve once again yanked some suicidal sh_t when I didn’t answer their calls. I guess they must’ve checked the locked medicine cabinet to find out that the pills were missing from it, and the lock was picked. They stormed into my room only to see me half-alive, half-dead. I was soon rushed to the emergency room. Gastric lavage was carried out. Ewald tubes were let down my entrails. Cannulas and tubes all over – IV and NG tubes. Oh, did I mention fecal incontinence? Pathetic. That was a nightmare. That really was. I’ve pulled through seizures, tremors, and H(a)ematemesis. You might be wondering why I pulled it again. Right? Well, I was so f_cking desperate, and I was actually dumb enough to redo it. I was that desperate to die. I still am. But only now, I’ve learnt the lesson that overdosing on your pills isn’t a cool way to go. It’s painful. It’s humiliating. It’s hardly successful.

Right to die must be a thing. Assisted suicide must be a thing. (Update: Heard from a Swiss friend of mine that it’s actually a thing in Switzerland — Exit, Dignitas presumably offer the services… Why not here?) I know when my mind and body can take no more. I know how it feels to be so mentally f_cked when nothing actually is wrong in your life (or is everything?). I’m convinced that killing myself will be the kindest thing I can ever do to myself. So, I will not stop you with the lame a_s TED talks. However, do not overdose on your psychiatric pills… or try to slit your ulnar or radial arteries, please. I’ve around 30+ sutures on just my left arm, and I’m still alive. Over-the-counter P500/P650s OD in 2017, and I’m still alive — N-AC treatment. Sucks. Maybe I’m just a loser, but that’s for another post! Good day(?)

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General

Ingrained Within Me

by Pulse-Of-A-Clover
written by Pulse-Of-A-Clover

My closest attempts were when I felt useless. When the sinking I had felt in my chest, when the lack of energy, and utter hopelessness within me had no reason to live.

More recently, I thought I was doing better. I thought that I had won over these feelings, conquered them; sending them back to the depths of wherever they came.

I guess that was probably because I had gotten a job that I love. One that I thought was too much to handle, one that brought countless nights of stress to me… but now, under this quarantine, I feel myself slipping back into old habits.

I expect to still have my job when this is all over. It isn’t that I feel as though I have no future, in fact I feel very much so as though I do. Rather, it’s that no future feels worth living for. Or maybe they all do, but my will to live is just that weak.

I stay for those I care about; for those who I know deeply care for me. I couldn’t bear to hurt them.

But every night, I go to sleep wishing so deeply to die that night. Suicide is something so ingrained in to me, something I want so deeply, that only when I have a distraction that completely exhausts me can I begin to forget it.

It isn’t even always for the pain. Even if I feel fine, I just want to die. I just want to take my own life so badly.

Even with the will to stay alive for those I love, I find myself tempted to make another attempt. Each day, it becomes a more difficult fight to win. Just like it was back then.

I crave my own death more than I crave almost anything else. I suppose there is one thing I crave more… Which is a life of traveling, I suppose. But I’d hurt just as many people, if not many more, if I took that route. I think it would end up haunting me in the end because of that, even if I did decide to go down that path.

And then I’d be right back here, again. In this sinking pit, wishing that the life would leave my body each, and every night. Fighting off the urge to take it myself. Each, and every night.

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Chronic PainFun & InterestingGeneralStories of Loss

Euthanasia in Belgium and the Netherlands (and the debate surrounding it)

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

I must apologize in advance, because I’m going to put a lot of videos and articles in this post and it will probably occupy a lot of space on the starting page of this site (needless to say, feel free to write your opinions about euthanasia in the comment section).

 

https://theconversation.com/separating-fact-from-fiction-about-euthanasia-in-belgium-58203

Euthanasia in Belgium

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3748787/Euthanasia-tourists-rush-Belgium-free-lethal-injections-staggering-2-023-medically-killed-year.html

https://newsmavens.com/news/aha-moments/2088/belgium-fears-euthanasia-tourism

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/12/24/brussels-denies-eu-rules-encourage-euthanasia-tourism/

And a PDF about euthanasia in Belgium:

Euthanasia practice in Belgium

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GeneralPoetry & Art

Cat Stevens – Trouble

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

Lyrics:

Trouble, oh trouble set me free

I have seen your face and it’s too much, too much for me

Trouble, oh trouble can’t you see

You’re eating my heart away and there’s nothing much left of me

–

I’ve drunk your wine, you have made your world mine

So won’t you be fair, so won’t you be fair

I don’t want no more of you, so won’t you be kind to me

Just let me go where I’ll have to go there

–

Trouble, oh trouble move away

I have seen your face and it’s too much for me today

Trouble, oh trouble can’t you see

You have made me a wreck, now won’t you leave me in my misery

–

I’ve seen your eyes and I can see death’s disguise

Hangin’ on me, hangin’ on me

I’m beat, I’m torn, shattered and tossed and worn

Too shocking to see, too shocking to see

–

Trouble, oh trouble move from me

I have paid my dept, now won’t you leave me in my misery

Trouble, oh trouble please be kind

I don’t want no fight and I haven’t got a lot of time

– –

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trouble_(Cat_Stevens_song)

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GeneralPoetry & Art

Charles Baudelaire – The Desire for Annihilation (Le Goût du néant)

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

(poème de Baudelaire en Anglais et en Français)

 

The Desire for Annihilation (translated by William Aggeler)

 

Dejected soul, once anxious for the strife,

Hope, whose spur fanned your ardor into flame,

No longer wishes to mount you! Lie down shamelessly,

Old horse who stumbles over every rut.

Resign yourself, my heart; sleep your brutish sleep.

Conquered, foundered spirit! For you, old jade,

Love has no more relish, no more than war;

Farewell then, songs of the brass and sighs of the flute!

Pleasure, tempt no more a dark, sullen heart!

Adorable spring has lost its fragrance!

And Time engulfs me minute by minute,

As the immense snow a stiffening corpse;

I survey from above the roundness of the globe

And I no longer seek there the shelter of a hut.

Avalanche, will you sweep me along in your fall?

—

Le Goût du néant

 

Morne esprit, autrefois amoureux de la lutte,

L’Espoir, dont l’éperon attisait ton ardeur,

Ne veut plus t’enfourcher! Couche-toi sans pudeur,

Vieux cheval dont le pied à chaque obstacle butte.

Résigne-toi, mon coeur; dors ton sommeil de brute.

Esprit vaincu, fourbu! Pour toi, vieux maraudeur,

L’amour n’a plus de goût, non plus que la dispute;

Adieu donc, chants du cuivre et soupirs de la flûte!

Plaisirs, ne tentez plus un coeur sombre et boudeur!

Le Printemps adorable a perdu son odeur!

Et le Temps m’engloutit minute par minute,

Comme la neige immense un corps pris de roideur;

— Je contemple d’en haut le globe en sa rondeur

Et je n’y cherche plus l’abri d’une cahute.

Avalanche, veux-tu m’emporter dans ta chute?

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmstqlIziZ4

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GeneralPoetry & Art

Gary Clark Jr. – When My Train Pulls In

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

 

Lyrics:

 

Everyday nothing seems to change

Everywhere I go I keep seeing the same old things

and I, I can’t take it no more

I would leave this town, but I,

I ain’t got nowhere else to go

–

Wake up in the morning to more,

more bad news and I

sometimes I feel like I was born to lose and I,

It’s driving me out of my mind

Gonna catch the next train and I

move on down the line

–

I’ll be ready now

I’ll be ready when my train pulls in

I’ll be ready now

I’ll be ready when my train pulls in

I know my time ain’t long and I,

I can’t live this life again – no, no, no

—

Walkin’ down the street you might wanna cross a smiling face, but they’ll

stab you in the back as soon as you turn – walk away –  and I

Oh Lord, it’s bringing me down

If things don’t change around here

ain’t no use in me hanging ’round

–

I’ll be ready now

I’ll be ready when my train pulls in

I’ll be ready now

I’ll be ready when my train pulls in

I know my time ain’t long around here and I,

I can’t live this life again – no, no, no

 

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GeneralPoetry & Art

The Sound – I Can’t Escape Myself/Hour of Need

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

Lyrics:

So many feelings
Pent up in here
Left all alone, I’m with
The one I most fear
I’m sick and I’m tired
Of reasoning
Just want to break out
Shake off this skin
–
I can’t escape myself
–
All my problems
Loom larger than life
I can’t swallow
Another slice
Seems like my shadow
Mocks every stride
Can I learn to live with
What’s trapped inside?
–
I can’t escape myself
–
So many feelings
Pent up in here
Left all alone, I’m with
The one I most fear
I’m sick and I’m tired
Of reasoning
Just wanna break out
Shake off this skin
–
I can’t escape myself
I can’t escape myself
I can’t escape myself

Lyrics:

I hate the quiet times
I need some company
I miss the noise of life
The silence deafens me
–
The seconds split so slow
The minutes I can’t kill
I keep an eye on the time
I catch it standing still
–
In my hour of need
In my hour of need
–
Try to find my place
Sometimes I get so near
I journey aimless days
But always end up here
–
In my hour of need
In my hour of need
In my hour of need
In my hour of need
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GeneralPoetry & Art

The Beatles – Eleanor Rigby

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

Lyrics:
Ah, look at all the lonely people…
Ah, look at all the lonely people…
–
Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice
In the church where a wedding has been,
Lives in a dream…
Waits at the window, wearing the face
That she keeps in a jar by the door,
Who is it for…
–
All the lonely people,
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people,
Where do they all belong?
–
Father McKenzie writing the words
Of a sermon that no one will hear,
No one comes near…
Look at him working, darning his socks
In the night when there’s nobody there,
What does he care…
–
All the lonely people,
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people,
Where do they all belong?
–
Ah, look at all the lonely people…
Ah, look at all the lonely people…
–
Eleanor Rigby died in the church
And was buried along with her name,
Nobody came…
Father McKenzie wiping the dirt
From his hands as he walks from the grave,
No one was saved…
–
All the lonely people,
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people,
Where do they all belong?
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GeneralPoetry & Art

The Standells – Paint It Black

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

 

Lyrics:

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colours anymore, I want them to turn black
I see the girls go by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
–
I see a line of cars and they’re all painted black
With flowers and my love both never to come back
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away
It’s like a new born baby, it just happens every day
–
I look inside myself and see my heart turned black
I see my red door I must paint it black
Maybe then I’ll fade away and not have to face the facts
It’s not easy facin’ up, when your whole world is black
–
No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you
If I look hard enough into the settin’ sun
My love will laugh at me before the mornin’ comes
–
I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colours anymore I want them to turn black
I see the girls go by dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes
–
I want to see it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I want to see the sun, blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
Got to have it painted, painted black
Black as night, black as coal
I want to see the sun, blotted out from the sky
I wanna see it painted, painted, painted, painted black
—————————————————————————————————————————————–
There’s also an Italian version – amongst others- of this song (the original was written by The Rolling Stones):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCD5gC4aBF8
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GeneralPoetry & Art

Miguel De Unamuno – An Eternal Elegy

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

Miguel De Unamuno – An Eternal Elegy

 

Oh Time, Time,

relentless tyrant!

Oh terrible mystery!

The past does not return,

it never comes back again,

ancient history!

Yes, ancient, but always the same,

terrifying!

Always present…

. . . . . . . . . . . .

When consciousness is deprived

of the passage of time,

what is it that remains?

What happens to light if the mirror is broken?

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Fierce Saturn,

oh Time, Time!

Lord of the world,

executioner of your children,

supreme cause of our bondage!

–

Once again the complaint,

once again the eternal song

that never ends,

how all is lost and nothing remains,

that time is passing

irreparably!

Irreparably, irreparably, do you hear?

Irreparably!

Yes, irreparably, and never forget it!

Life? Life is constantly dying,

it is like the river

in which the same water

never returns again

and yet is always the same.

In the crystal of the flowing liquids

the waving poplars on the river bank

are reflected

and the trembling image is never reflected

by the same water.

–

What is the past? Nothing!

The future you dream is also nothing

and the passing moment

is a mysterious transition to emptiness;

to emptiness once again!

It is a torrent that flows

from nothingness to nothingness.

The moment you touch it

all tender hope,

as if by magic or enchantment,

becomes a memory,

a memory that grows fainter

and is finally lost;

is lost forever.

Oh Time, Time!

Repeat, oh my soul, yes repeat once again

the same old song,

the sad litany,

the never ending dirge,

the same old elegy

of how time passes

and is never the same again.

–

The ”Alas!” of the one who is suffering

this ancient grief

is always the same,

the same old lament;

repeating it gives consolation,

an unceasing rosary, like the rain

again and again, a hundred times…

Oh Time, Time,

relentless tyrant!

Oh terrible mystery!

Rigid torture rack of the human spirit!

How limited words are…!

Language is never enough to describe

our thirst for eternity;

it is too limited…

A terrible thirst,

a thirst that constantly weakens the soul

that contemplates the ocean,

– the immense ocean! –

which never satisfies our thirst;

it only fills our vision,

an immense ocean of bitter waves!

–

Images? They disturb the profound

nakedness of our lament,

embellishments that drown out

the single note that is deep and strong…

But, yes, images, different chords

that calm the melodic theme…

. . . . . . . . . . . .

It is the elegy that silence intones,

silence, language of the eternal,

while eternity exists

as the slave of time…

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Did you destroy your watch? Not enough!

Lay down and go to sleep… that is best;

immersed forever

in a profound sleep

you will have conquered time,

your implacable enemy!

Yesterday, today and tomorrow!

A chain of grief

with links of anxiety…

You grip the horse’s mane

with tense hands

refusing to let go

and it runs faster and faster,

a runaway horse;

the tighter you hold on

the more maddening is its passage!

–

Don’t mutter out of one side of your mouth,

fierce Saturn!

Enough now, that’s enough of your hours,

implacable enemy!

Stop this interminable drudgery

once and for all!

I want to escape from time;

exhausted, I want to finally

dissolve myself into the eternal

where yesterday, today and tomorrow

are only one moment

disconnected from the passage of time;

where a tender memory

is linked with hope

and merges with it;

where the never-quiescent waters

of the passing rivers

remain forever in a quiet lake;

where the soul can finally be

immersed in a bath of consolation

where Saturn dies;

where time is defeated.

 

(Fransisco Goya – Saturn Devouring His Son, 1819-1823)

 

* In ancient Greek and Roman mythology, Saturn (or Cronus/Kronos) was a titan (the titans predated the Greek/Roman gods) who castrated and overthrown his own father (Caelus/Uranus) and then he was eating his own children, because of a prophecy that he would be overthrown by one of them. This mythological figure’s meaning was later examined and analyzed by many (including Freud and Jung).

Some information about Cronus/Saturn:

 

https://www.tripsavvy.com/greek-mythology-kronos-1525980

Father Time: Chronos and Kronos

 

http://www.theoi.com/Titan/TitanKronos.html

 

https://www.theworldwonders.com/mythology/myths-legends3-cronus.html

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cronus

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saturn_(mythology)

 

https://www.pantagruelista.com/blogeng/cronus-myth

 

https://en.wikiversity.org/wiki/Classical_Mythology/Freudian_psychology

 

http://iws.collin.edu/mbailey/jungianarchetypes.htm

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Coping SkillsGeneralPoetry & Art

Skalkottas’ music

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

” In music the passions enjoy themselves. ” – Friedrich Nietzsche

 

Nikos Skalkottas (1904-1949) was one of the greatest composers of the 2oth century classical music – I personally place him next to Kurt Weill and Igor Stravinsky. It’s a shame that nowadays most people (especially here in Greece) don’t know his work. Here’s the wikipedia page about him:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nikos_Skalkottas

 

I should write what are the names of the compositions and the songs in this video and where the photos in it are taken.

36 Greek Dances

00:00 – 01:23 Epirotikos – photos from the region of Epirus in Greece.

01:24 – 03:22 Kleftikos – photos of various Greek mountains.

03:22 – 05:16 Tsamikos (An Eagle) – photos of various Greek mountains again, but this time during the winter, so they’re all full of snow.

05:16 – 06:38 Cretikos – photos from the island of Crete. At 06:19 we see Castello a Mare (castle of the sea) or Castel di Candia (castle of Candia), which was build by the Venetians (Crete was under Venetian/Italian rule for many centuries).

06:38 – 08:22 Syrtos Dance – photos from the castle of Mistras, situated at mt. Taygetos in the Peloponnese (it’s near Sparta). This castle was build by the Franks (during the crusades, Peloponnese was under Frankish rule) and later the Byzantines (or, to be more precise, Eastern Romans) conquered it, that’s why we see a lot of churches there. The statue that we see at the end of the song is of the last Byzantine emperor, Constantine IX Palaeologus.

08:22 – 10:12 Island Dance – photos of various islands in Greece. The first one is from the island of Santorini.

10:12 – 12:03 Mazochtos Dance – photos of various ancient sites. More explicitly:

10:16 – reenactment of the ancient Olympic games ceremony at ancient Olympia.

10:28 – photo of the Knossos palace on the island of Crete.

10:40 – I have no idea which temple is this, probably the Aphaea (or Aphaia) temple on the island of Aegina.

10:51 – Again, no idea. Probably the temple of Apollo in Corinth (it’s impossible for me to know all the archaeological sites in Greece, there are too many of them).

11:03 – Temple of the Olympian Zeus in Athens.

11:14 – Temple of Poseidon at cape Sounion (it’s near Athens).

11:25 – Sanctuary of Athena in Delphi.

11:37 – Temple of Apollo on the island of Delos.

11:48 – The Lion Gate at Mycenae in Peloponnese.

12:01 – same as the photo at 10:16.

The Sea

12:03 – 15:26 The Trawler – photos of the sea.

The Maiden and Death

15:26 – 18:25 Andantino (Tempo di Valse) – photos of statues/sculptures/graves from the First Cemetery of Athens.

Piano Concerto No. 1

18:26 – 19:50 – photos of various buildings in Athens.

Bolero for Cello and Piano

19:51 – 21:57 – photos from Germany (whoever made this video put them in, because Skalkottas studied music in Germany).

The Return of Ulysses (Overture)

21:58 – 24:01 – photos of refugees and immigrants, not only in Greece, but in various places of Europe.

Double Bass Concerto

24:01 – 26:00 Allegro Vivo e Molto Ritmato – photos of various ancient Greek statues.

Largo Sinfonico

26:00 – 27:25 – photos taken during the Nazi occupation of Greece (1941-1944). At 26:46 and 27:04 we see the ”saltadoroi” (jumpers): these were small kids who jumped on German trucks and were stealing food to eat. At 27:13 we see Greek partisans. The last photo was taken in Athens on the day the Germans left the city.

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GeneralPoetry & Art

Federico García Lorca – Suicide

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

(Maybe it was because you hadn’t 

mastered Geometry)

–

The lad was going blank.

It was ten in the morning.

–

His heart was growing full

of broken wings and rag flowers.

–

He noticed there remained

just one word on his lips.

–

And when he took off his gloves

a soft ash fell from his hands.

–

A tower showed through the balcony door.

He felt he was balcony and tower.

–

No doubt he saw how the clock,

stopped in its case, surveyed him.

–

He saw his shadow quiet and prone

on the white silk divan.

–

And the stiff, geometrical youth

smashed the mirror with a hatchet.

–

When it broke, a great burst of shadow

flooded the illusory room.

 

A video based on this poem:

And some information about Federico García Lorca:

https://www.poetsgraves.co.uk/lorca.htm

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Coping SkillsFun & InterestingGeneralPoetry & Art

Constantine P. Cavafy – Ithaka

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

 

This poem is based on the ancient Greek epic poem Odyssey, which is attributed to the legendary author Homer. Quick summary of the Odyssey: there was a war between the ancient Greeks and the Trojans (Troy was – and still is – located at nowadays North-western Turkey), the Greeks laid siege on the city of Troy for 10 years and they destroyed it (there’s another ancient epic poem, Aeneid by the Roman author Virgil, that picks up the story after the destruction of Troy, but let’s stick to Homer’s Odyssey for now). After that, one of the Greek kings named Odysseus (in Latin: Ulysses) set out for Ithaka, his birthplace and kingdom. On his journey home (which lasted, according to the poem, 10 years) he had many adventures and misadventures.

And, for the film buffs, a good adaptation of the Odyssey is this one:

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118414/

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Odyssey_(miniseries)

Anyway, I posted this poem because we can see it as a representation of life itself. And I can’t decide if it’s optimistic or pessimistic…

At first glance, it seems very optimistic: keep trying and fighting to reach your goals, whatever they are. Its meaning is similar to the phrase ”the chase is better than the catch”. But the final lyrics of the poem make me think of it as pessimistic and a little bit ironic:

And if you find her poor, Ithaka won’t have fooled you.

Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,

you will have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.

These lyrics are implying that it was all for nothing, that every effort was fruitless and meaningless. And that’s why I can’t decide… I might say that the interpretation of Cavafy’s poem depends on someone’s views on life…

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GeneralPoetry & Art

Paul Durcan – Thinking About Suicide

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

Although I may never commit suicide

I spend parts of each day thinking about suicide –

Thinking about how I lack the courage to do it.

–

I wake in the mourning with 60 per cent depression.

That’s how it remains for the whole day,

Except for the odd occasion in a year

–

In the doorway or on the street I meet by chance

For a few minutes a woman passing-by

Who has the time to stop and talk for three minutes

–

Or five minutes or even sometimes seven or eight minutes,

Who rocks back on her heels in her pink, hooped skirt

With laughter, no matter what the topic.

–

Depression and despair are two different states

Of mind, not having a lot in common.

Although I have 60 per cent depression, I do not despair.

–

I do not see eye to eye with Samuel Beckett

Who disapproved of suicide and who promulgated

The doctrine of ”going on” for the sake of ”going on”.

–

Estranged from my family, if I do not soon

Take my own life, others will take it from me –

Hooded males with knives in their tracksuits

–

Or medics in their scrubs prancing corridors

Or cowpat-faced ward sisters smirking

Or ice-cold proprietors of old peoples’s homes.

–

How is it that you do not see it, Samuel,

That I do not want to go on for the sake of going on –

Seeing the same old, tired-out impressionist paintings again and again?

–

Men are such po-faced bores.

Each one of them an editor-in-chief.

I wand to stand still by the water’s edge.

–

I want to hold a woman’s hand for the last time.

I want to fill my pockets with Palaeozoic stones.

I want to open my eyes.

 

From the collection Praise In Which I Live And Move And Have My Being (2012).

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Kostis Palamas – Agora (The Market Place)

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

Just as dry summers pant for the first rain,

so thou art thirsty for a happy home

and for a life remote, like hermit’s prayer,

a corner of forgetting and of love.

–

And thirsty for the ship upon the sea

that ever onward sails with birds and sea-things,

filling its life with our great planet’s light.

But unto thee both ship and home said: ”No!

–

Look neither for the happiness remote

that never moves, nor for the life that ever finds

in each new land and harbor a new soul!

–

Only the panting of a toiling slave

for thee! Drag in the market place thy body’s

nakedness, strange to the strangers and thine own!”

 

From the poetry collection ”Life Immovable” (or ”The Motionless Life”), published in 1904. Translation by Aristides Phoutrides.

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General

Suicide sites

by Taf Taf
written by Taf Taf

Have you ever tried or even thought about committing suicide to any of these places? And do you have a place in which you would like to commit (or attempt) suicide?

As for me, I went to the Corinth Canal several times (for those who don’t know, I live in Athens, Greece), but I never thought to jump from the Acropolis of Athens… And I keep wondering why…

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