I’ve been depressed for many years and attempted suicide on multiple occasions solely on my theory (with backing evidence) that my father doesn’t love me or even wanted me. It’s still a driving force in my life, my “goals”, etc.
Recently my aunt told me why my parents divorced in the first place. All my life I was told by my mom that they broke up because he cheated on her with another woman in asia (he went back and forth for business). However, my aunt told me that my mom suspected him of cheating. That one day, the two of them (my mom and aunt) went to his office and snooped around his computer, where they found that he legally married his cousin (in asia) in order to bring her to America (whether this occurred during their relationship or not, I don’t know). That day my mom packed his stuff and left it outside of the door for when he got home without even letting him say goodbye to me.
The only part of this “real” story that I remember is watching my dad leaving with his suitcase and getting into a car. That’s all I remember of our relationship. Apparently my aunt told me that he would bring me to his office and take care of me while he was working, but I don’t remember any of that. And that there are many other parts of the story that my mom hasn’t even told me. She never told me that my father took care of me, she never told me about her previous marriage until I found out for myself, what else has she not tell me?
Now I don’t know what to think anymore. Does my dad really care about me? Is the bad guy in the story someone I wouldn’t think to be in a lifetime? Is my life a lie and that everything I know are just rumors?
I feel like my whole life is based off of the fragmented truths my mom has been piecing together.
12 comments
I hoped this was a play on the youtube video of the drugged boy on the way home from the dentist but sadly not.
Let me say, I know EXACTLY how you feel. My mother raised me up during childhood without telling me of my father. The difference is I got to meet him for every other weekend after I was maybe 5 yrs old. Long story short, some times parents hide things from you because they don’t want to expose you issues you’re not prepared for yet. But of course you can’t help but wonder.. In my experience, I wish I was several years older. A lot of hurt could’ve been avoided.
Ive never even seen a Picture of my real father
And say you got your father’s side of the story.. It STILL wouldn’t be the whole truth. Each party will either intentionally manipulate the details or unintentionally distort it to their advantage.
You’d have to find out bits of piece from everyone who was involved. I’ve spent the better part of my life doing so, and I STILL don’t have the full story. Like they say, keep digging and all you get is dirty – and there are no diamonds to be found.
@whyamistillalive – how does that affect you?
lost_soul
I didn’t even catch your first two and most important sentences.. No wonder you feel tormented..
I find sometimes it’s helpful to realize that truth isn’t something definite. The truth to each person is what they perceive. For all we know, we could just be in some huge simulation, but whether or not we are is irrelevant, because we still live and perceive in it. So that IS reality. What I’m getting at, is that maybe you weren’t told the truth, but regardless, that is how you were raised, and it’s written in history now. You can seek the truth now, but there’s no point in worrying over perhaps being lied to as a child. It is what it is. The belief you held before of your mom’s story is as much a part of you as the truth is now. I’m not sure if that made any sense, actually. Oh well, maybe you can get something out of it.
What’s funny is I got to know my dad, and it’s played a large part in wanting to kill myself. You’re the exact opposite with the same conclusion.
not here
If I understand correctly, you’re saying what’s happened has already had its effect. Anything original poster discovers now is irrelevant.
Well, that depends.
Based on lost_soul’s aunt, his(?) view of his father went from uncaring to took care of him.
not here,
I apologize if I muddied the message. He placed a large amount of important on that fact.
I’m talking way, way too much. Here’s my last few words.
According to your aunt’s account, your father’s absence is no longer a reflection of you as his child. Even if what she said isn’t true, you lost nothing by missing out on a neglecting father. Your mother’s actions may be in question but she did it with you in mind. She chose YOU..
I’ll leave my email. Always an ear if you need. liger @ hush . com
What I’m saying is that, my whole life I’ve only heard my mom’s perspective on my father’s life. She told me about how he immigrated, his own childhood, etc. but never straight from the horse’s mouth. After the first decade of my life after his departure, I finally saw him again, and I’ve seen him a couple of times over this past decade, but he never tells me anything about his life, what he’s doing, how growing up was for him.
and just to clarify: He has NEVER taken care of me in recent memory. The only time we spent alone was driving to pick up my grandmother. I don’t think that counts as efficient bonding time.