I just want someone to talk to. People will talk with you or at you, but they will not really listen to you. They don’t know me, and I don’t know them. I find it hard to expose my real self, but I feel that my real self is a bad person. I know I’m lazy, I know I’m weak, I even know that no one cares about the world that lives inside my head. Maybe that’s why I’m getting involved with the film crew at my church. I really do want to create, but something inside of me also wants to destroy. The other day I hit myself in the head, in the right temple, and I heard a cracking sound. It felt good, I told myself that i just gave some room for my brain, that thought gave me the same feeling as being drunk or high, no inhibitions.
7 comments
7 comments
I care. Please, tell me about what you’re going through, and I’ll listen.
Very hard to explain, sometimes I think I am just messed up in the head. I know I hurt people, but sometimes I really just do not care. I want to hurt myself because I take the blame for everything that happens around me, even though I know that is incorrect.
I want to destroy, because hopefully it can be rebuilt… better. I want to create but I can’t find my inspiration.
I used to hurt myself physically because I wanted to start new, grow back better, new skin, clean, fresh. I don’t anymore because the physical part is not what needs to grow back new. Better off getting high or drunk.
Two destroyers. The only thing I want to destroy is this body I am stuck in.
@ben, you’re a liar. You do care, that’s why you blame yourself and take it out on yourself. At some point you have to realise, you’re not responsible for everything. Nothing wrong with being messed in the head, but turn the anger and frustration to art, music, writing. (sometimes when I am pissed off, I shoplift petty items and leave notes in the store that read ‘Take that, you capitalist pigs!’) Violence only begats more violence.
@frenzy, destroying the body you are stuck in will destroy a lot more than that physical body. But… you’re probably smart enough to know that.
To tell you the truth, I have been a part of the church since I was four, (unknowingly since I was born), and it is there that I can find peace, each time I am in a low it seems like all I have to do is remember the church, remember who I am and why I joined, and it usually lifts me up. I am still flawed, that would take years to change, but I do not feel so down. It puts me in a place where I feel I really can do anything I want to. This is just my personal experience, but it seems to work every time.
It’s great that you have a really special place to go to. So maybe when you feel like hurting yourself, instead go to church and find that peace.