Depression is loneliness.
You know that feeling, the one right where your heart is, it feels like something is missing. Like someone took half of you heart out of your body and has it locked away in a high tower, and it hurts so bad that your chest feels like it’s being weighed down by the one half of your heart you do have, yearning for the missing piece?
I’m pretty sure that’s what loneliness feels like. I don’t think it’s just that yearning either for a romantic someone, although that loneliness is sometimes just as unbearable, but it is also that loneliness you feel ALL THE TIME.
I’m sure most of you know exactly what I’m talking about, the feeling that no one could possibly understand what you’re going through and everyone who tries just doesn’t get it. It’s not that you want to feel this way and trust me, I definitely don’t, but it’s inevitable.
I keep thinking of the term “soul mates”. What does that really mean anyway? Apparently it has something to do with Greek Mythology and reincarnation, that in some past life you and that someone have spent your years together and you are destined to find each other again. You know what I say to that? BULL. SHIT.
Excuse the language, but honestly, that’s ridiculous. A soul, in lamen’s terms, is that immaterial part of a human being, it’s a sense of identity that makes you who you are. You can’t see it, touch it, hear it, or even feel it, but you have to trust that you have one. I’m not convinced that you do, or I do, or anyone does. It’s not like there’s a diagram of the inside of the human body where you’re going to find a spot that says “The Soul”. It’s not going to happen, because there isn’t a place for it in our bodies. I know this may seem a little far-fetched but I don’t see the point in believing that something is there in my body when it’s supposed to be invisible. It would be like believing in ghosts, and some people even refer to ghosts as “lost souls” which I just don’t buy.
Maybe there is something really flawed in my logic. If I do have a soul and it is in fact so minuscule that not even a microscope magnified 1,000,000,000 could pick it up then why the loneliness? Why is there this part of me that yearns for someone who understands, just a friend who get’s why I can’t be happy all the time and why I work so hard not to convince myself that life has no meaning. I don’t want to think that, I feel like a soulless monster for lack of a better word. It’s not fair that my mind keeps going back to the facts, keeps going back to the rapes and the murders that happen every single day, and in reality I just don’t care. What does it matter if you die young or old, you’re going to die at some point anyway in life, so why does it matter if you wait until your 90 to keel over or have a brain aneurysm at 25?  The world has a gentle indifference to death, it’s not going to give a damn what happens to you in the long run and whether or not you have a good soul is going to change when you die now is it?
Maybe I am wrong about everything, or maybe my soul is just to lonely to care.
3 comments
veryprofound post here, Violet Blake. I’ve read it a couple of times now and have been pondering the notion of being soul-less. You refer to yourself as a possible “soulless monster” though you don’t sound like a monster.
I prefer to think of myself as soul-searching….searching for that connection to someone, something, anything. I still have compassion and care in myself, to give to others, but not sure I have it for myself. Hmmm.
Anyhoo-thanks for your post. Good food for thought.
I’d agree with you. In some form or another, depression is an isolation and a loneliness that runs so deep to one’s core that it’s hard to imagine feeling any other way. And sometimes it’s impossible to connect with people because they don’t understand it, or you, or both. And it gets worse from there. Worthlessness creeps in somehow too, and it’s too hard to shake off.
hey does life have a meaning, i mean like u say, “What does it matter if you die young or old, you’re going to die at some point anyway in life, so why does it matter if you wait until your 90 to keel over or have a brain aneurysm at 25? The world has a gentle indifference to death, it’s not going to give a damn what happens to you in the long run” .i can get along till that much, the rest of waht u say, i have mixed feelings, its like i havnt decided. i feel i shud do things based on that same thought, life is indifferent, u cud die any minute and none of this matters, but even then i feel self conscious, i think about how pple might be thinkin bout me, my co-workers, my friends, pple i know. i try to act cool so that pple may think i am smthng different. but then later i feel what is the use. u r cool, u r nerdy when u die, does it make any dffrnce, all we do here. we know pple who have died, like say MJ or the pple who were in the plane that crashed 2 years before or jefffry dahmer, even maybe. where r they now. they obviously existed, but what now. do any of these pple know a guy whose login name is the killerhimself is even thinkin bout them as i am writing. does it make a diff to wherever thy are?