Thunderstorms and Tears.

I miss my best friend.

I wish I could go back in time and tell her how much of a jerk her boyfriend is instead of supporting her. He sucks, he is arrogant and mean. He is that guy who gets in a position of power and everyone underneath him is his own personal *****.

That’s me.

She puts him on a pedestal above everyone. 6 years of my life I feel is wasted.

I hope she doesn’t expect me to be in her wedding. That would mean losing her completely. Dealing with all my anger and frustration is hard alone in the house I share with her. I hate being stuck in this lease. I want to scream and yell at her, but instead of causing conflict I take it out on myself.

I don’t know how to get through to her to show her I still matter, she would trash me for him anyways. She has made that pretty clear by wanting to give up her future career for him, I don’t compare.

I want to leave, maybe moving away from everything here will solve all my problems but wouldn’t that be running? From what I hear running doesn’t solve your problems it just buries them for a while.

I know I am so lucky to have what I do, but I feel so very empty. I don’t want to end my life I think about it and it makes me want to cry. How could I leave everyone that loves me, it hurts to think about. But yet I still think about it everyday and cause more harm than good putting on a fake smile pretending I am even remotely okay.

I just hope to gain back the happiness I had when I was a child, always dancing playing. The happiness that comes from ignorance of the real world. I wanna say putting this in words is helping, but I still feel very much alone.

-B