it sucks to be a twin. it sucks because people always get us mixed up. even though we now look almost nothing alike. it sucks because people still think we are exactly the same and hop from one of us to the next. i was looking through old pictures, out of boredom really, and realized that i have always been jealous of her. she’s prettier than me. she seems happier than me. (although she too could be wearing a fake smile). she’s better at drawing. better at writing. which discourages me from doing it. it’s not really and never has been a competition between us. but it saddens me. because i’m jealous of the one person who has been with me through my whole life. and she hasn’t had it too easy either. i can’t say why. but i am. and that makes me sad. i don’t know what i would do without her. and now that i think of it.. what would she do without me? what would she do after i kill myself? would she be happier? this is the first time i’ve thought about it.. and it makes me want to kill myself for thinking about stuff like that. because i don’t want to care how people will feel after i die. because regardless, i will die. probably sooner rather than later.
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It is hard to live up to the false expectations we give ourselves. To tend to put too much pressure on ourselves to be better than we are which discourages many of us from even trying.
It is hard to tell when we are going to die. I planned on removing myself from this world this monday but today I got a letter in the mail from a friend that lives in the UK… and I know how much it would hurt her if I were to die.
In that sense I semi know how you feel. Because I went from total determination to… saying no. But maybe that is just because I adore her and by monday it will go away. Who knows.
Don’t leave me. :[
Oh come now you can’t say that since you have also been planning a way to leave as well. lol
I am not trying to brush your comment off but to be honest… I really have very little value in life. Right now things are getting sooo fucked up.. and they have a chance to get way more fucked up VERY VERY soon if someone tells about something bad I did. I mean like… I will get in so much trouble. I really cannot handle this stress anymore.
All I have wanted in life was someone to love and love me. That is all that has mattered to me since a child. That dream romance. I was always the hopeless romantic walking down the halls going from girl to girl just to be hurt. It is not pleasent to have the one thing that gives you pleasure hurt you always.
Then of course the legal things that have happened. The living situations (back at my moms… crowded house… I sleep on the sofa most the time).
I dont know Katrina.
Touche to your first statement.
And, things are really shitty for me too. I’ve waited for about 5 years for things to get better. (The drugs are the only reason i’m alive right now.) And for a year, i thought they were. But, it was just a fucking tease. Shit has to get worse before it gets better, right? But, maybe that is just the false hope. ha.
But what about your family? They love you. You love them?
I can kinda relate to the going from one to another. And the only thing that gives you pleasure always hurts you. Just wanting love. Just wanting to be happy. It really does suck. Some people don’t find it that easily though..
I don’t know either James.
Ahh I was honestly jk about the first statement. I know it sounded tactless… I really noticed it when I reread it. You are just trying to be nice to me.
I hate my family… I’ll repost my story right now
(again I am so sorry for my rude comment at the begining)
no. it’s the truth. don’t apologize.
Noooo I am going to apologize. Regardless if you think it is needed or not – I do not like to be rude to people at all. What I said I should of worded much differently. It was a mistake.
then, i accept your apology. don’t worry about it. kay?
You will let me know if it bothers you, right? Please do. But until you do I shall drop it.
It is 90 degrees in my house.. I hate having no power ( means no AC). I am in shorts and a Breathe Carolina (awesome band) muscle T and am still sweating.
of course i will. that just happens to be the type of person i am. i speak my mind way too often actually. ohwell.
and, that is extremely horrible for you. (agreed on the band) is it always that hot? or is it just because it’s still kinda summery.
it’s sunny here. kinda windy though. nice in the house though. jeans and a sublime sweatshirt. yay.
I saw Breathe Carolina a few months ago :P. Back in April I believe.
It is hot like this because it is summery 🙁 and I hate it badly.
I love the wind… When we had the hurricane I was outside during some of it just for the wind. Dangerious, but worth it.
And you should speak your mind. I hold mine back to an extent… Then it kinda just blows all out. Takes people by surprise.
I like to beat around the bush alot.
you should totally like… stop making me jealous and whatnot.! i haven’t been in so long. and my sister has. i forget to see who though. :/
uhm.. go get a tan? ha. lame suggestion.. but there it was.
i probably would have done the same.. actually.. during summer storms at night, i love to sit outside. feel the rain, see the lightning. sometimes the moon is peeking out of the clouds. lovely.
i think it depends on the situation that i’ll hold my tongue. sometimes it’s bad though. like, telling someone that i’m going to go walk in front of a train. and that they just need to shut the fuck up and stop talking. because i’m done. then, i feel like it’s a mistake to speak my mind..
what do you mean it all just blows out?
I have probably seen a dozen + bands you would want to see 😛 we seem to have mostly the same taste in music.
We all gotta pick and choose when to say something and what to say. It can be difficult at times… Things are always 20/20 when you look back on them.
Well as for blowing out…
Lets say you and I are a couple for along time. Then you decide to break my heart and dump me but wanna be friends. Then you wont stop complaing about your new bf to me. Always talking about him yada yada yada. At first I’ll be as supportive as I can. Then eventually I’ll start texting things like
“GBVFDSBGSSDBFXDGBDC” I get so pissed I start slaming random keys because you wont shutup about the guy you left me for. Then when you ask “Wtf whats wrong?” I’ll be like “Nothing lollolol” and just… idk… I go phyco sometimes I think.
damn. that deff is shit though. i wouldn’t even wanna be friends anymore. like, i’ve completely gotten over my ex and we’re still decent friends. and i fucked his current girlfriend. in front of him. and he got really jealous. but he cheated on me while we were dating so, whatever. i do however, understand what you mean now.
andddddd, yes you probably have! and, yes i think we do have the same taste in music. except you don’t like dubstep.. but other than that.. :]
wait…. “I fucked his current girlfriend”
>_> are you going through a sexy phase?
haha. i’m attracted to females as well as males. i always have been.
yet another thing i got shit for. i lost a very close friend because i pushed her away. i didn’t think she would accept me. i was alot younger. and didn’t want her to be immature about it and cocky thinking she’s so hot that i would be into her. it was sad. :/
Sexy phase O_O
Sorry. But that is awesome. I have no woes against homosexuality or bisexuality. I think love of any kind is a beautiful thing.
I am sorry about your friend though. It is hard losing them.
sexy phase. 😛
i think i just have love for all people. i don’t care about ethnicites, gender, even looks. as long as they have a nice personality. can make me laugh. and i make them happy. <3
and it is extremely hard. but i did get used to it growing up. ha.
I am so happy to find someone who always loves as much as I do
i feel like it’s a set-up for hurt. but, i just can’t help it. <3 i'm a loving person. and alot of it may come from the lack of love for myself. but, it doesn't bother me any. haha.
That is where it comes from. And you are right, it is a set up for hurt. There is no switch to turn it off.. I have tried. You and I are both so desperate to be loved that we love anything that shows us the slightest bit of attention (or could show us attention if they knew us).
We are alike there.
i wish there was a switch. i wish i could build a fucking time machine and go back and change everything. wishes don’t come true. :[
indeed we are James.
If I had a nickle for everytime I wanted to go back… man. (I cannot believe I said that expression).
You know there is a way to go back in time. Time travel can occure with manipulating gravity which we can do with light.
Sorry I am a big science buff. Especially astrophysics
it made me giggle.
that’s awesome. is it ohkay for me to call you a nerd? :]
Hahaha I suppose. Though I look NOTHING like a nerd at all in the traditional sense and had shitty grades in school. There are just a couple of subjects I love. One is space. I love it so much. The universe is so beautiful.
We are all related. Us (biologically), to the earth(chemically) and to the stars and everything else (atomically).
We are all cousins in a sense.
Ok I am rambling. hha
I think you can now call me a nerd 😀
James.. you are a nerd. and it is awesome. :]
i agree, the universe is beautiful.
i love to read. get lost in another world. ya know?
Harry Potter <3333 haha I know typical answer but they my favs.
i love Catcher in the Rye. probably my fav.
but i love steven king and dean koontz as well. <3
I must confess my stack of books is way under stocked compared you you. I have some harry potter books, athiest books, science books, halo books, star trek books, and a few others. Most I havnt read yet haha 😀
i had a sigmund freud book somewhere. :O
:O! haha thats cool. He was addicting to something… I think cocain. I am not sure though.
spot on. :] i love his theories. mostly on dreams and whatnot. lovely. <3
And how we want to marry our mothers and fathers and what not?
>_O can’t forget that <3333
haha my idols are more along the lines of Hawking, Hitchins, Carl Sagan, Eintien… basically space guys haha 😀
i wish i could just hop back into this conversation like i didn’t leave. :O