Hi there,
Somehow there is relief that I found this. I’ve been searching when ever I feel like utter shit. I’ve been contemplating suicide, sure, but I still don’t quite know how I could or want to go out. Currently I take Lexapro for my depression and I have half a bottle of Trazadone left from when I had sleeping problems. Plus I did (and pretty much going back to) cutting myself. If you look at my left arm, there are those pretty white lines of my work.
So far my choice to go is by two means, bleeding to death or falling asleep by pills. Unfortunately the more I read stories and research, the more I found those methods are rather flawed.
Well that sucks for me.
I would still do them anyhow, one or maybe both. But I’m still searching for a means to keep on living. One in particular is that I made a promise to a very dear friend of mine a few years back, telling him I wouldn’t take my own life. Then again, everyone breaks a promise.
Sorry sweetheart.
This whole mess started for me when I was entering high school (I’m a senior in high school, last night was homecoming), maybe before. At some point something clicked in my brain that made me think the worse in myself. Sure I wasn’t too pretty or smart, but I had had minuscule things going for me. I’m selfish, spoiled, and at this point struggling to save up for college.
Is my family really to blame for how I came about? Partly, I didn’t grow up with the greatest of instruction, but 18 I should/do know better. Why am I reluctant for change in myself? Why do I feel the way I do? What is the reason for the chemical imbalance in my head that is defined as depression?
Sometimes I would like to know that for myself.
For a writer (or as I like to title Sort of Writer), I fail completely.
Maybe that’s why I fail at life too.
Encourage me to talk, and I will
~Secretly Fading
8 comments
You don’t fail at life, dear. Nobody does, that’s the thing. Everyone has shitty moments in life, but I guess that’s what makes life what it is today. Don’t break a promise, just because most people do. I think about whether I want to do pills, or bleeding myself.. I’ll do both.. anything. \: Just think about this.. a lot of people that are close to you, will miss you like crazy.. whether you know it or not, you will be missed by a whole lot of people.. good luck to you deary.. \:
Thank you for that, but lately I feel like I’m being attacked by things that seem like my fault.
I’m still in the market of consideration though.
Same goes for me.. aha. And you’re welcome.
I know, I can tell. But who isn’t, on this site?
wait until after high school at least… high school (and hormones) is the very worst torture that can be inflicted on teenagers, and it really does get better. How much better depends… but college is exciting.
Why are you selfish adn spoilt?
What happened (if anything) that sort of started the whole process? If you don’t mind me asking…
@one_day- My father likes to use them on me and my sister. My grandmother spoiled me from the time I was young. But living at home with my parents money has been tight (like the rest of the US) so when I got to visit them they do treat me well. I guess he thinks because I’m like that…well, you get the idea. But I think he is right.
@not here- I’ll explain as I keep posting. So stay tuned~
I think you’re being a bit hard on yourself. The fact that you recognise you’re spoilt, and you also understand that money is tight, means you can’t be THAT spoilt. Also means that you have family who love you enough to spoil you.
@one_day- But that led me to finding out that many of my cousins (I have about 9) resent me a little because of it. I am the first and oldest grandchild of my moms mom, and that made me messed up a little.
And as for being hard on myself, you just inspired me for my next post, I’ll call my line of posts Bittersweet 🙂