Bittersweet

October 23rd, 2011by Secretly Fading

Hi there,

Somehow there is relief that I found this. I’ve been searching when ever I feel like utter shit. I’ve been contemplating suicide, sure, but I still don’t quite know how I could or want to go out. Currently I take Lexapro for my depression and I have half a bottle of Trazadone left from when I had sleeping problems. Plus I did (and pretty much going back to) cutting myself. If you look at my left arm, there are those pretty white lines of my work.

So far my choice to go is by two means, bleeding to death or falling asleep by pills. Unfortunately the more I read stories and research, the more I found those methods are rather flawed.

Well that sucks for me.

I would still do them anyhow, one or maybe both. But I’m still searching for a means to keep on living. One in particular is that I made a promise to a very dear friend of mine a few years back, telling him I wouldn’t take my own life. Then again, everyone breaks a promise.

Sorry sweetheart.

This whole mess started for me when I was entering high school (I’m a senior in high school, last night was homecoming), maybe before. At some point something clicked in my brain that made me think the worse in myself. Sure I wasn’t too pretty or smart, but I had had minuscule things going for me. I’m selfish, spoiled, and at this point struggling to save up for college.

Is my family really to blame for how I came about? Partly, I didn’t grow up with the greatest of instruction, but 18 I should/do know better. Why am I reluctant for change in myself? Why do I feel the way I do? What is the reason for the chemical imbalance in my head that is defined as depression?

Sometimes I would like to know that for myself.

For a writer (or as I like to title Sort of Writer), I fail completely.

Maybe that’s why I fail at life too.

Encourage me to talk, and I will

~Secretly Fading

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