Death is not the end?

My first post yahuuu!!

For quite some time now I’ve been thinking to die

I just don’t feel anything about anything, I just don’t feel human, no matter what I do, no matter whom I with, my life is like sleepwalking

nothing surprises me, I’ve got full control of my emotions, I can’t even raging about how I bored of life, actually I might’ve done killing spree if I hadn’t had control of my emotions

My friends and families expect a lot of me, and they said I have the abilities to carve a bright future

but even so I don’t feel like doing anything, frankly said, death piques my interest

emotions, including fear, I bury them immediately when they emerge, but death is different, something I feel toward it, it’s not fear, not joy, something different altogether

mmm, no, maybe it’s really fear after all, I’m afraid of death

I’m afraid to obtain happiness, knowing that in split second I might die from anything anywhere anyway

Maybe I will be successful at work or romance, just have the day after being killed in a car accident, or murdered by random people

It’s stopping me from anything I’m trying to do but hey, people always say that people can go kick the bucket anytime so they should just live their fullest

makes sense, but why the agnostic me still alive today when those children in poor countries dying just for the hell of it?

what is death really? the end of all? or a gate to heaven and/or hell?

I’m really curios, I really want to try die once, but I don’t wanna do suicide, I wanna be killed, I’ve been putting myself in a lot of dangerous situations hoping to get killed naturally, but somehow the situation failed to kill me or I chickened out

this has been bugging me for forever, I really want to solve this mystery called death even if it’s the last thing I do, I’m sure then all my unrest will be cleared