Hello everyone.
Should I even explain why I’m here 🙂 ?
I’ve never really been very happy, just short stretches of joy, (much longer) stretches of pain and shame sewn together in a numb haze of acquiescence to being dragged by circumstance hoping it would take me somewhere nice enough at some point.
It hasn’t, and now I’m completely alone with nothing to look forward to. For a long while now the only thing that seems to bring me comfort is the thought of ending it all. It haunts me lately, not a day goes by that I don’t think about it.A “good” night now just means going to sleep feeling mere melancholy instead of crushing sadness.
I think it’s time to assume it and face it straight on instead of just wallowing in it hoping things will magically improve for me somehow.
I have something that is perhaps unusual for people in a situation such as this though. A very clear time limit. I’m unemployed and money’s running out, if my life is now hollow now how will it even be bearable if I’m homeless and penniless? I choose to go with some dignity instead of hanging on to an increasingly worthless life.
So…if by the 15th I still haven’t got a job I’ll start planning (not that getting a job would really make things better but stopping the money drain would give me a chance to plan better and see all the people I love one more time before the end).
If by the end of November a miracle hasn’t happened (ha) I’ll take the last of my money and have a little week or two vacation somewhere nice and end it all before next year.
2012 will really be the end of the world 😀 .
Yeah well…I’m a chicken so setting objectives like this helps, taking it in slow steps,helps me get things done.
I suppose I’m somehow hoping Finagle’s law will screw it somehow and I’ll be happy again. But such things don’t happen in this world.
I read somewhere that the reason Hope was the last thing to come out of Pandora’s box was because it was the worst of all evils. I feel this is correct. Without hope there would be no fear, no fear would make life, and death, better.
But I’m rambling now, guess I’ll elaborate when the 15th comes.
It’s a good thing there are places like this, even so close to the edge we long for meaningful connections.
As I used to tell my girlfriend, beyond understanding or caring sometimes the important thing is just for someone to bear witness.
So you can say
“I was here too. It didn’t amount to much, but I tried.”
It’s nice inscription for a tombstone at least.
See you around,don’t mind if I lurk meanwhile.
5 comments
thanks for bringing up that very important point about hope. I take it you’re a Camus enthusiast also?
Indeed I am madam/sir (?) 😀 . Since most people around here seem to be a bit younger than I am I didn’t think anyone would catch that. That reminds me, I should make time to reread the good stuff while I still can.
dude*
ya.. I can never re-read The Fall too many times. Jean Baptiste Clemence Is my alter ego.
-WWJBCD? I want a trendy rubber bracelet that says that.
re-read The Fall a few times and take some notes and I bet you’ll make more money being homeless then you used to at your job. I’m going to be homeless very soon myself again- it isn’t so bad -especially when you know it’s all bullshit.
good luck with the benign indifference of the universe. se la gare, cher ami.
You ever get into Gurdjieff or Herman Hesse?
i wish people on this site lived near me then id tell u that i could show u small things that make even me happy
@lost tears
Funny the sense of kinship sadness creates. One can only wish it had come sooner. Thank you 🙂 .
@tastelikecherries
Heh, the Fall. Lucky you, I assume you went through a financially successful, womanizer period in JBC fashion? I went straight out to hearing the splash behind me. Anyway, the Fall is as close as a novel does get to life indeed.
I toyed with the idea of embracing homelessness, maybe even vanish so my loved ones can never find me, we would stop being a weight on each other but I the shame would just kill me. I was raised for greatness, needless to say that didn’t work out for anyone involved. The shame of being out, added to the crushing loneliness I must bear would kill me…unless I drink myself into a haze…Hell just the thought of how ashamed my girl would have been if she saw me like that would be enough to make my life unbearable. Some thoughts can kill you.
I’ve always vaguely wanted to get into Hesse, now that you recommended those I’ll check stuff out next week when I go to the library. The good things about these old authors is that even the most backwater public libraries carries them.
Be well 🙂