I can’t wait to be done with my life. Every day is another day I have to face people and pretend I’m not devoured by the insides, where I have to be there for them and be their rock, their support. I don’t own a gun and where I reside it is quite the process to acquire one. I don’t have a garage so passing out in my car isn’t gonna happen. I have meds, but I’m too scared they won’t do the job. I don’t want to cut my wrists open because I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to cut the second one because I’ll have sliced my nerves. I’m too much of a coward to die gloriously with seppuku. That leaves me only one option: hanging myself. My noose is ready and in a drawer. I’m just waiting for the right moment to get it over with.
I tried getting help, but people are assholes. I drove myself to the psychiatric hospital this weekend and the psychiatrist sent me home like I was a petulant child. It seems the world really wants me to die. I can’t keep on living for other people. Right now, all that’s keeping me alive are my two wonderful children. I don’t want them to find me. I don’t want them to suffer because of me, but it seems inevitable. My heart is so broken I can’t deal with myself anymore. I can’t deal with the mask I put on every day. The world kept me alive years ago when I almost died. I told myself there was a reason and tried to get life working for me again. I don’t really want to die, in all honesty. It just feels like I have no other choice. I failed at everything in life. Everything I have done so far has only led to failure. It never gets better, only worse.
Now, I am simply waiting for the right time to hang myself with the pretty noose I made this morning. I don’t want to fail. I don’t want my children to see me disfigured and blue. Every minute I have to wait is worse than hell, I am sure of that. To all the people that love me and count on me, I am so very sorry I failed at life too.
23 comments
What about the helium method? or better still read the post looking for a forest.
Then no one will find you. Or you could try to get help?
Dammit dolittle you’re on a roll today.
@Lilou
If the mask and being a rock weighs so heavily on you then just don’t do it anymore. The mere fact that you describe your children as wonderful shows that you still have things to look forward to.
@Dolittle: I tried to get help and people only focus on how brilliant I supposedly am. They can go fuck themselves. I want to be found. I want my family to be able to get closure. Helium is a ***** to come across. I will be dying before I can order some off the internet. My time is set to either tomorrow or Friday. I’m just here while I wait to die.
@The Absurdist: Because I have lost all my luster doesn’t mean other people have. Even in death I will still love. The mask drops every once in a while, but it’s an automatic reflex it comes back on just as fast as it left.
Can’t you just pack your bags and leave for a while somewhere where nobody knows you? You really need to sort yourself out and your present environment just seems too hostile for that.
If you don’t want to die then don’t. You must want to see your children grow and make you proud and happy.
I wish I could. I wanted them to keep me at the hospital, but they won’t. I’m a broke graduate student and a single mom. I have responsibilities I cannot escape. I tried to get help but no one takes me seriously. I do want to see my children grow, but I’m pretty sure I can’t give them what a mother should give them: a healthy environment where they will learn to follow their hearts and flourish into the wonderful people I already know they are.
They are very small, I’m pretty sure they won’t remember me, so I guess the other people that love them can fill in the void I will have created. I know I’m a selfish monster for ending my life.
So you really going to leave your children with out there mother? You could at least wait.
Who are these other people that love them that would the void you’d create?
Their father, my family, his family, my friends, his friends. Many people will be there to love them besides me. I have written letters to them too so they know later on I loved them more than anything else too.
Couldn’t you just make them help you, if not for your sake at least for that of your children? There has to be someone among them willing to reach out a little. I’m sure none of them want your kids to grow up without a mother anyway. You have to understand these thoughts we have a re completely alien to them, that they don’t readily understand or relate doesn’t mean they don’t care.
Hi Lilou.
Have you told those people what you’re telling us now?
People know how I feel, but I guess they choose to ignore it. It’s so much easier that way. I still function, pay bills and do what responsible people do. I’ve seen psychologists, doctors, I tried to get myself in the loony bin. I can’t do support groups, I just end up being support for other people I don’t give a shit about and they forget I’m there for the same reasons.
I wish there was another way, but there really seems like none. I’ve reached out, I’ve given the world a chance.
Lilou is there a man in your life.
No man in Lilou’s life.
Isn’t there something I can do to help you?
Too bad you won’t marry me then, a distant cousin of mine is financial vice president of Brault & Martineau and if I could actually get into Canada he’d give me a probably shitty but at least stable job (this is unfortunately true).
Seriously though. You seem well adjusted enough. You don’t owe anything to anyone except your children, just drop the mask.
That’s why your Depressed. You got kid’s but your got to find time for you.
@muspelhem: That’s sweet of you to offer. If I knew, I would have said a long time ago. I have no clue whhat to do to help myself anymore.
@The Absurdist: Canada is a good place to live. If you ever want to reinvent yourself, Montreal would be the place I’d suggest to anyone. Good employment perspectives, not so shitty economy, pretty city, free healthcare. I want to drop the mask… I just need help to find out how to do it. Just got kicked out of my new psychologist’s office… He doesn’t feel comfortable having a suicidal patient that’s so closed up. Isn’t it his job to help me open up? This is shit.
@Dolittle… I have time for me. My ex is a fantastic father and he has the kids half the time. That’s exactly when I’ll end me. When they are with him. No kid should see his/her mom hanging. They’ve got to have a name for your brand of non sense.
You shouldn’t give up on yourself so soon. If you really feel professional help could do y just look for another psychologist, they’re like cockroaches, they’re everwhere simple probability says eventually you’re bound to find one that doesn’t suck. You stated what you need. You know you need to drop the mask, it’s a clear goal, something most of us saps secretly wishing to be shot in a holdup can’t even begin to fathom.
You have what it takes, please don’t deprive yourself of watching your kids grow and don’t deprive them of their mother.
I don’t think it will really help, I’m just doing what I feel like I’m supposed to do. I know what those clowns do and how they do it. Hell, I’ve even studied among them at some point. Professionals are so predictable.
I just think some people are far more lucid than others and will live their life in misery because of that. It won’t make any sense to many people, but I’m so smart it makes me miserable. I want to be dumb for a day. Hell, I’d even settle on meds that make me foam at the mouth.
You shouldn’t give up on yourself either, The Absurdist. You’re articulate, compassionate and seem like an overall good person. Yet, we find ourselves yelling at the world we want to die.
I hear you. I went to many shrinks willingly in my time and I just couldn’t stand it. You just can hear the cogs in their minds, ticking the corresponding boxes they were told to in their classes and books. Their questions, why they ask them and how they will react if you give answer x or y, are all so transparent.
In principle I’d agree that some people are miserable because of an increased lucidity of sorts but this doesn’t mean death is the only other option. There is more to it than deluding yourself or wallowing in misery. There is a third option. You have an inmediate reason to live, you can still find delight in your children, hang on to that while you find your third option.
A friend of mine told me that smart people, if they aren’t stimulated enough intellectually, if they don’t get to use their brainpower, don’t get an outlet, then they turn that brainpower inwards and it becomes destructive, more so than in “normal” people. But you’re a graduate student, so I guess you have an outlet for your intellect?
“I have written letters to them too so they know later on I loved them more than anything else too.”
What does that sound like… “My mother loved me more than anything else in the world… but not enough to stay alive to raise me…”
I’m not trying to be cruel, but I think you may be deluding yourself regarding what your children will think and feel about you if you willfully end your own life. Maybe you need to do that to get up the nerve to kill yourself?
For their sake, I sincerely hope that you don’t.
Mothers are people even before they are mothers…ultimately life is something we should continue for our own sake, not for others’. If her pain is too great that even her own children cannot give her that will – her children, whom it seems she truly does love quite a lot – I find I have all the more reason to sympathize with her.
Lilou, I am sorry people are blind to your troubles. Going out on a limb and acting on a gut instinct about some else’s life is just not something we /do/ as a society. Even if people sense something might be wrong, they will ignore it. Even shrinks carry this fault. It’s frustrating, especially since we live with the reality of our own complex inner life everyday – people tend to forget that same complexity lies in every single human being on this earth. The connections we could make with other people could be so much stronger, more real and generally more satisfying if we were only willing to act on that recognition.