it dawned on me just a minute ago that my state f perpetual exhaustion is directly tied to the mask of “sanity” that i wear(who’s to say what sane is?; the majority used to believe the world was flat). Everyday I wake, leave my room, and put on my mask. It’s so tiring, acting like everybody else, trying to feign interest in news stories, new gadgets, new flavors of gum.. new this new that; I find the human experience to be quite trite and wholly uninteresting. The best laugh I’ve had all week was from that video of the kid being run over by the van. Immediately after viewing it though I had to put my mask back on and look remorseful as the news story started to spread around the office.
I think that’s why I’m depressed; I’m the only nutjob I know that can tread the line so well and remain *relatively* undetected. My friends and family.. I don’t feel the connection to them that I’m supposed to. It’s because I know I’m so different from them, I’m a predator at heart but I was raised to be a powder puff. Meh.
5 comments
I understand what you’re saying. Sometimes people get a glimpse when the mask falls for a while…it’s tiring holding it up all the time…but they think that ‘cheering you up’ is all that is required. Interesting to read your thoughts… thank you for sharing.
You could live without the mask. Just brace yourself for brutal isolation.
People like you and me, hell, lots of people on here… Very few people will befriend us without our masks.
I just wonder how many of my friends are wearing theirs…
I recognize this and sympathize so much. I am only accepted when wearing The Mask. I am told I am scaring people or worrying relatives if I speak openly about my woes – 53, laid off again, no health care. Everybody wants me to pretend everything is swell and if i don’t they tell me to get a grip or that I am crazy.
A few people accept me for what I am, for they too wear The Mask. The Mask is heavy, burdensome, suffocating. It is harder and harder to carry it about daily, and pretend I am happy and well adjusted when I spend so much time thinking about putting a rope around my neck and just being done with it. It is that the world is a horrible place, or that I am in a horrible situation, millions have it far worse than me. There’s just no good reason to continue down the path. At 53, in this country gone sour with hateful tea partiers and fools who will vote for anyone who says “no taxes and let the poor fend for themselves”, all i have to look forward to is a declining quality of life, wages tumbling from $60K to sub minimum wage, until i get sick and have to die of cancer under a bridge. there will be NO social safety net for me, this country has turned it’s back on hard work and helping citizens who paid taxes and worked hard all their life, I will be kicked to the curb. Who wants to live like that? I’ve had a good life, it is all downhill from here, I am bored and The Mask weighs so heavy my shoulders are hunched. They say if you’re bullied, “it gets better”. It actually does NOT. You just learn to wear The Mask and then “it gets better” because you are pretending to be “normal”
I don’t think it would be brutal isolation actually, I can see it as more of a relief to be left the fuck alone to get on with your life. I have learned there are very very few people you can trust with your true feelings, people are so manipulative and judgemental and out for themselves. I got that sense of relief recently by just saying how i really felt…i felt like a complete cow but then realised…actually no, i’m going to hit you with my truth for once. Liberating…and strengthening. I feel that people like ‘us’ so to speak, who understand this concept of mask probably have very low self esteem…we don’t feel like we deserve whatever it is…but take strength from just those glimpses when you do feel like that…there is nothing to loose… the people you can trust will be there anyway and the ones who go are probably the ones that were dragging you down in the first place. I lost who i thought was my soulmate in february, he hung himself in our kitchen. There is always a story behind these things but i just want to say his loss has brought me to this site. I need the mask but i am also learning to move forward in my life the way I want to without compromising, feeling guilty or bitter. In repsect to you Robin, you have helped solidify me in my strength, it’s really really fucking hard and painful but i only want to die when people are fake. Maybe i can be accused of being fake with my mask but it’s only there on the surface, i’m not going to be afraid of people getting to know me deeply…i’m ready if you’re ready, but if not then leave me alone. I never thought i would ever find myself on somewhere like this but here I am…venting.