Well, as previously stated in some long lost in the shores of last week today Saturday 15th is the day to really start planning the specifics of my demise, the post with the reasons should still be there should you care.
Roughly the idea would be this:
1) Getting rid of all my possessions, donating the clothes I don’t need and sending my few belongings (some movies, books and videogames) to my best friend and brother.
2) Going for a vacation of sorts someplace nice, have some peace for a little while.. It’s been a while since I last enjoyed nature. This could be anywhere from 3 days to 2 weeks depending on the place and budget.
3) On the last night before checkout take my few remaining things, find a nice isolated natural place, a forest ideally, burn my remaining things, including every kind of ID and die.
Method is chosen and planned for, recent events around here make me uncertain of how much into detail I can go about that but it’s ultimately unimportant. All that would be left is deciding on a place for those last days.I need to have everything planned by this date next month at the latest. Once December comes along it will be too complicated to move and get the proper timing for the things I need to do beforehand.
Yes I am taking my sweet time, and yes I am talking about things well in advance in such an obviously detached manner that I wouldn’t blame you for believing I’m lying.
The thing is, If you were to ask me right now if I really wanted to die I couldn’t honestly say I do. Not right now, at least. Usually the thought just comes and goes in waves and doesn’t latch on sufficiently to be acted upon, will to live/fear of death usually barely prevails. But I don’t have much more time left now and I know myself well enough to know that when the time comes I will be trapped and I will want to do it, so I must plan a somewhat dignified way to go while I still have some options besides jamming a knife in my throat alone in an alley.
It really is strange to be able to be so cerebral about this.
The plan is beautiful in its simplicity. I will be in a country I’ve never been before, with no money, ID and no place to go back to. Once everything is set in motion suicide will become the easier option. The chances of chickening out will be minimal.
One has to wonder why I even bother actually posting these things. If I am to be perfectly honest my reasons for being around here are dubious at best. Self-entitlement, need to draw attention, pity, compassion, all is possible. Still I have to admit it is nice to talk about such matters with some degree of freedom, this is not the sort of thing you can share with your closed ones without it marring your relationship forever.
Besides, being here gives me more reason to do it, simply because if I rant about this publicly and then not go ahead with it would tarnish my credibility. I care about honoring my word more than you can imagine.
Hmm, that’s about it I suppose. Suggestions for a beautiful natural not mainstream place to visit are welcome.