I’m not fully suicidal. Hell, I’m not sure if I really belong here. All I know is I’m in pain. about six years ago I got suicidal. But eventually I got over it. then about 3 years ago, it came back, but I again weathered the storm, and was fine. A little over a year ago I had to move away from my friends, and everything I had work to build up in my life. I slowly got better. I’ve been in this new place, across the country from where I was, and it seems like all I know is pain now. I have no close friends. Indeed, most of the people I know I don’t think would really care if I went missing.
Its not like I have nothing. I have a few decent friends, but again, they are not close to me, and to be honest I don’t WANT them close to me. But at the same time I do want someone close to my heart. I still have my best friend, but she’s like 2300 miles away from me. I’m alone. Everyday lately seems like a challenge. Some days, I’m ok or even happy. But it always seems like at the end of the day I go to bed sad, or angry. Or both. You ever listen to that song called “one headlight” by the wall flowers? There’s a line in the song that describes exactly how I feel. “This place is old, it feels just like a beat up truck. I turn the engine but the engine doesn’t turn.”
That’s my life. Pain, loneliness, sorrow, anger. These emotions are my domain. I don’t know. I guess I’m just on here to see if anyone gives a damn.
So until next time I guess. I’ll keep trying to soldier on, and just weather the storm again, as I have before. And for anyone else out there… I encourage you to at least try to weather things out as well.
2 comments
I’ve been here a long time. Lurking, posting, knowing that I’m not alone no matter what my brain tells me. And I have to say, that you don’t have to be actively suicidal to post. We all have a deep intense pain that haunts us. Some of us embrace it and there’s nothing wrong with that. In some perverse way, I kind of enjoy being borderline suicidal.
I feel like a broken record saying this but have you talked to anyone about this depression? Since it keeps coming back, it might be medical. Even if it isn’t, depression is completely treatable and worth the fight. Maybe take a look at doctors in your new area? You don’t HAVE TO do anything but it might help.
No I haven’t talked to anyone about it. I completely understand the perverse embracing of the pain. Because when you embrace it, and the pain isn’t there, it makes the good times in life so much more beautiful..