go to work

work
go home?..
home 1 – brampton – joelles house(dad’s best friend)
home 2 – toronto – moms house

home 1 is just a room; no access to kitchen, shower, or heat. Joelle offered me a home but neglected to tell that I’d practically be living homeless

home 2 is no room, but access to kitchen, shower etc. My mom has always been a carribean nazi though. It’s always been her house; nerver ours. Her way or the highway, despite the fact that I’d be the primary breadwinner(she works retail, i’m white collar).

I have privacy at Joelle’s to smoke. My mom doesn’t seem to mind my smoking but I don’t feel comfortable preparing out in the open. No rent at Joelle’s since my dad is paying for it but every night is sleepless because of the cold. he refuses to let me use a space heater for fear of driving up the meter.

I’ll go back to living alone and paying my way through this putrid life but there’s the nagging “I want to die” feeling that swells everytime I think of going to look at an apartment. I know the point of continuing on, because I’m too chicken to kill myself, but… FUCK! lol what’s the point of going another step forward when all I want to do is lay down and let the world pass me by? I’m in an uncomfortable situation that I can easily remedy with the tiniest bit of effort.

I’m hoping that if I neglect things long enough, it will get so bad that I won’t think of the pain when I reach for the nearest sharp object to plunge into my jugular(/emo rant)