Perspective and perception

Had I been told this or been wise enough to realize this as a child maybe things would be different. Instead my family beath the whole “hard work” and “do nice things” all the time credo into me.   Certain events made me go numb my teen years and well like many of you drugs and the streets were my catharsis.  Thing is as long as I kept my grades up, seemed like my family did not suspect me of doing anything else.   Birth parents were drug addicts and dealers during my conception so probably why my brain is messed up.

Antisocial and schizoid, being forced into church and school groups by your folks, joining hustle and thug groups in rebellion, and feeling sick inside the whole time because you really preferred your own company or that of a few chosen people. And comes the family pressue to date because they did not want you to turn out gay like certain family members(back then in the hood it got you beat down). And them finding your stashof things and threatening to turn you in if you do not straighten up.   Pops and granpa long since dead so you have no males to trust except the ones in the streets  Lost a lot of male friends to the streets.  Had a few die in my arms.

School was the easy part…. breezing through the uni and tech school….even with diagnosed conditions inderstanding people’s emotions enough to make sure they never got an inkling of what was really inside….hiding yourself so deep like a CIA agent….but you cannot lie to yourself for long.. tried to date but the affection and attention they wanted was too much pressure…. cracking  facade and requiring recharge time which in turn brought suspicions of infidelity….. got awesome job and lost it trying to improve customer service per rules of the company…. working crap jobs to make sure bills are paid and fiance enjoying and asking the fruits of labor but complaining about lack of time…. other women in life no better always asking too much….. just gave up because never wanted in the first place….. was homeless for a few years because pride did not allow for moving back home yet.

Meds either barely work or have a lot of side effects.  Took tons of herbs to try to get by without the meds.  Worked fairly well but being natural only had so many effects.  Switched back and forth for a while.

every single time you try to be nice or kind to someone you get stabbed in the back, have tragedy or damn near lose everything… recently helped someone in distress and had their back and got betrayed again…. and the the lingering pain from a failed attempt years ago…

too old now to start over… so the end is nigh…. wished the first attempt would have been done better… seemed like it should have worked…. and if anyone comes with that stuff about getting involved and helping people… been there done that and it always ends in me losing a lot in the process…  cursed karma….

just tired… no reason to awaken every day… other have it worse but their mindset gives them a reason for this crap… I never saw one…. finally got courage to  make this final attempt.

My Cousin/est friend died earlier this year.  We were the same age. He dedicated his life to his family and because he had to fight with some of his blood family to live his own life, stress and injuries took him early.

Would have given my life to save him because he actually wanted to be here and seemed to have success despite the crap people put him through.