plea for advice

I usually just rant on here to relieve the pressure in my brain that depression has me under but I need help now. I’m feeling pretty suicidal after coming to the conclusion that I could walk off a bridge or tall building relatively fear-free. Just a step and it’s over. I was googling flights out to san francisco this afternoon. It’s kinda funny(funny in a sick fucked up way) that the golden gate bridge is the most used suicide spot and yet they still haven’t erected some kind of suicide deterrent(that I know of). I could step off the subway platform one night but I don’t like the idea of being struck, or cut, or set ablaze etc. I just want to fall asleep forever..

But that isn’t an option right now. I still have too much going for me and the flame of hope still stupidly burns in my chest. I want to lose my job and be shunned by my loved ones so that I can finally get over this hump and end myself. Everyday hurts so much, being alone, having to justify everything I do to myself. But I can’t quit yet; they have to quit on me first.

Until then, what do I do? I saw my family doctor and he referred me to a therapist(the kind that can give prescriptions) but he said that all I need are self help books. I think of that fuck tard and the way he treated me that day and it makes me want to burn that whole hospital down. How can you split your attention between listening to someone pour their heart out to you and filing miscellaneous documents?

Before my doctor even will refer me to another person, he’ll tell me to get off the weed. it’s the only thing keeping me functional at all really. I know I’d go off the deep end because I’ve been lessening my intake and the results haven’t been great.

Life was relatively the same before I started smoking. The only difference is that my episodes of major depression were spaced out with months between them. Now, I’m just in this constant manic depressive state and I know it’s the greens fault for bringing this out of me, but at the same time I love it. It’s the only thing I enjoy in the world(other than video games, tv shows and my other forms of escapeism). It makes me want to do things with myself, pick myself back up again, live my life and repair the bridges I’ve burned.

I stop now and best case scenerio, I go back to the way I was(doubtful at this point since I smoke heavy everyday). I’ll just be worse than I was and will need some rehab/therapy of some kind just to get back to the way I was before.

why am I doing; just kill yourself tyrone. end this bullshit, talking out to no one that can understand, trying to gain sympathy. Just end it; end this. Don’t worry about Javante; he’ll be fine. You’ve trained him well and it’s best you leave now before you teach him too much and he ends up like you. Just go Tyrone, buy a ticket somewhere and just go. Leave this lonely, lonely world. Your body is human but your mind has always been up to interpretation. You’re not one of them; you’re not even one of these SP’ers. Just fucking go, drink and smoke yourself into a stupor everynight until you die. fuck to everything real; do you then fuck off when theres no more pleasure to be had.

bye tyrone