My father jumped to his death when he was 39. I didn’t understand it then. I mean he still had half his life to live. How could he just leave us like that?
Now I’m 39 and I still have half my life to live and I finally understand.
I got married later in life. I never felt the need to attach myself to a person. Sure I dated but I never met anyone who I could love unconditionally. Then I met my husband. I can honestly say he has the most beautiful heart I have ever known. For two years I knew happiness with him. I didn’t know I could be happy but there it was. It’s four months now since he left and the only thing that allows me to get out of bed in the morning is the knowledge that I can end it all at any time if I want to. But it’s not time yet. I need to keep trying to help my husband. See, he didn’t leave me for another woman, or so that he could live the single life. He left me because out of the blue he suffered a sudden major paranoid episode and he thinks I’m in cahoots with the FBI and I’m trying to hurt him. He won’t talk to me and he runs away from me when I try to approach him. This beautiful sensitive wonderful man now thinks that the person that he loved and trusted the most is out to get him. He won’t accept medical help and he lives in fear every day. Things are not getting better. I cannot move on, but I don’t know what to do to help him. I fear he is lost to me for ever and he will live his life sick and alone. This situation is so bleak… but I will continue to try to get through to him for now.
I have made a promise to myself that I won’t end my life until I have tried for at least a year to help my husband. This will also give me time to get through some of this grief I feel. I feel so liberated knowing that I have given myself permission to end it if I want to and I take a great deal of comfort knowing that I don’t have to go on like this indefinitely.
I know if I decide to end it that it won’t hurt my husband. He will likely not even know that I have gone. I don’t think I could do it if I thought it might bring him pain. But he won’t know. I have no responsibilities to anyone. No kids. No pets. I have no reason to stay.
3 comments
sounds like schidzephreinia ( how ever it’s spelled ) yet thats a very late age to have the disease come up. It’s usuauallly shows up in the hte early 20’s late teens.
I read your article, I am 51, and wondering my 27 yr old son will think when he hits 51 after I’ve done it. Mostly what I think of is the mental pain he will be in the rest of his life.
We have had some communications as to a situation I face, I havw to remind him it’s not a game, this is for real. It not like when he was a kid and I had to look under his bed and tell him there is nothing to fear..
Even when it happenes it will still not make anything any easier, I’m just to young to leave him, yet no other option. I remember just startting to understand ceratain things my father talked about, I was just really starting to respect his conservatism during our lives. He died at 80, he managed to raise 6 and save 4.5 million, and his last years salary was a measly 81k after 37 years. That took some work on his part, because he didn’t make that kinda money for the first 30.
I miss him, yet he can’t even fix this problem.
I’m really sorry about your situation, there are new meds all the time keep your hopes ups.
yes, but you have a reason to stay for yourself… do you think it will be better in afterlife? you’ll be the same, just thinking about what you left here…
i mean, your life…i dunna why i’m trying to help a person i don’t know, but…
i just can’t close this page… you better don’t rush to jump, you’ll be always albe to do it,
i’m not the best helper, but i think you need try to find a reason to stay.