39- Same age as my father

  December 6th, 2011 by Iris

My father jumped to his death when he was 39. I didn’t understand it then.  I mean he still had half his life to live. How could he just leave us like that?

Now I’m 39 and I still have half my life to live and I finally understand.

I got married later in life. I never felt the need to attach myself to a person. Sure I dated but I never met anyone who I could love unconditionally.  Then I met my husband. I can honestly say he has the most beautiful heart I have ever known.  For two years I knew happiness with him. I didn’t know I could be happy but there it was.  It’s four months now since he left and the only thing that allows me to get out of bed in the morning is the knowledge that I can end it all at any time if I want to.  But it’s not time yet. I need to keep trying to help my husband. See, he didn’t leave me for another woman, or so that he could live the single life. He left me because out of the blue he suffered a sudden major paranoid episode and he thinks I’m in cahoots with the FBI and I’m trying to hurt him. He won’t talk to me and he runs away from me when I try to approach him.  This beautiful sensitive wonderful man now thinks that the person that he loved and trusted the most is out to get him. He won’t accept medical help and he lives in fear every day. Things are not getting better. I cannot move on, but I don’t know what to do to help him.  I fear he is lost to me for ever and he will live his life sick and alone. This situation is so bleak… but I will continue to try to get through to him for now.

I have made a promise to myself that I won’t end my life until I have tried for at least a year to help my husband. This will also give me time to get through some of this grief I feel. I feel so liberated knowing that I have given myself permission to end it if I want to and I take a great deal of comfort knowing that I don’t have to go on like this indefinitely.

I know if I decide to end it that it won’t hurt my husband. He will likely not even know that I have gone. I don’t think I could do it if I thought it might bring him pain. But he won’t know.  I have no responsibilities to anyone. No kids. No pets.  I have no reason to stay.

 

 

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