its all blurry. my eyes are puffy. from crying so much. i sat by my window and stared at the dying tree. its beautiful. my apartment is so freaking cold. im supposed to “be up” at 9:30. no one knows this pain of mine. tomorrow in front of everyone i will look and act fine. he just sleeps through it all. my pacing. my silent tears. he doesn’t understand anymore. i remember when me and him were the same. he has been in this place too. but now he doesn’t cut or wish for death. he reads the bible and keeps himself busy. but when he sees me upset he gets angry and breaks things. i beg him to kill me. i feel like i’m ruining his life. i miss our high school days when we skipped class and when we kissed passionately and when he understood my pain. his was temporary. but i never got better. and i fear i never will. ill be 20 soon. and i feel like half of my life has been full of this same feeling. i know he loves me. but i feel so different from him now. i don’t know what to do. i want to find someone to hold me like he used to. to let me sob on his shoulder. and understand. the wedding pictures they look straight out of a movie. so perfect. the Christmas pictures. my smile is so believable. my facebook page, all my “friends” think i have such a good life. can’t let them see you down right. i feel so desperate. looking for people to talk to. people that will understand. people who will actually do something for me and not just give me half-assed encouragement. i go online. i see all the people who make fun of people in my position. wishing for death because the pain is overwhelming. i wish they never feel this pain. the knot in your throat. and you feel like you are drowning in your tears. crying all night. you start to get stiff and the heater can’t make you feel warm. you need a human to hold you and to help you hold yourself up. i never asked to have this sickness.
2 comments
2 comments
I never knew it physically hurt to hold in a cry. Giant ball of pain lodged in your throat and begging for some sort of relief. None of us want to feel this way but we do, there isn’t an on and off switch. It’s always there, lurking, waiting. And we have to fight it constantly. But I think the fight it worth it. Because those small moments are worth it. That solid two minutes of pure happiness, where your cheeks hurt from laughing too hard or your heart melts from the sweetest things…those are worth it. I refuse to say that everything will be okay because i know it will never be perfect but I know there is a way to make it better.
Hey Missy,
Physical sickness is difficult granted and you seem like a really strong and well adjusted person if i may say. But relationship issues are many for all kinds of people, be they sick or not, so you are not alone.
You have to get to the “root cause” of your problems – is it normal relationship stuff like lack of attention, intimacy etc which millions and i repeat millions go through every year, or is it your illness that is casuing the issues.
Life is never easy, but it’s how we handle adversity that makes us. Remember that & Stay positive.
If you ever want to genuinely talk be it here or email/msn, feel free to add me, happy to do so – i like to think im pretty positive but practical – just add my handle name here to 389@gmail.com for email or 389@hotmail.com for msn.
Stay good.