5:45AM

its all blurry. my eyes are puffy. from crying so much. i sat by my window and stared at the dying tree. its beautiful. my apartment is so freaking cold. im supposed to “be up” at 9:30. no one knows this pain of mine. tomorrow in front of everyone i will look and act fine. he just sleeps through it all. my pacing. my silent tears. he doesn’t understand anymore. i remember when me and him were the same. he has been in this place too. but now he doesn’t cut or wish for death. he reads the bible and keeps himself busy. but when he sees me upset he gets angry and breaks things. i beg him to kill me. i feel like i’m ruining his life. i miss our high school days when we skipped class and when we kissed passionately and when he understood my pain. his was temporary. but i never got better. and i fear i never will. ill be 20 soon. and i feel like half of my life has been full of this same feeling. i know he loves me. but i feel so different from him now. i don’t know what to do. i want to find someone to hold me like he used to. to let me sob on his shoulder. and understand. the wedding pictures they look straight out of a movie. so perfect. the Christmas pictures. my smile is so believable. my facebook page, all my “friends” think i have such a good life. can’t let them see you down right. i feel so desperate. looking for people to talk to. people that will understand. people who will actually do something for me and not just give me half-assed encouragement. i go online. i see all the people who make fun of people in my position. wishing for death because the pain is overwhelming. i wish they never feel this pain. the knot in your throat. and you feel like you are drowning in your tears. crying all night. you start to get stiff and the heater can’t make you feel warm. you need a human to hold you and to help you hold yourself up. i never asked to have this sickness.