I cut myself on Christmas. I didn’t think i will do it. When I realized, i was already wipping blood away and more appeared. It wasn’t deep enough to scar. It was just amazing in a scary way to see the red blood against my skin. Strangly, afterwards, I felt cold down to my bones. Like something is trying to burst out from my body and i vomited.
So much has happened today and I’m all very sick. Cold and tired. Life has somewhat become a stand-still. Nothing too bad, nothing good. It’s frightening that I’m getting used. Being alone, being useless. I sit all day at home, watching shows, playing games. It has always been so. I can’t hold a job for long and my last job was 2mths ago. We are living from hand to mouth, at our wit’s end. While my brother – the sole breadwinner gets to boss and insult us around. He makes our life insufferable, and even goes as far as insult dad and mum. I wish to stand up to him but he totally treats me as invisible. That hurts me most. If he insult me in the face, at least I can protect myself. He does it behind my back, towards dad and mum and make me out to be such a rotten person that even my parents are starting to believe him. I can’t do anything since he’s the one who brings in the money. I’m suffocated by his words. I want to be free but I can’t. Sometimes I do think he’s right. There’s something wrong with me that I can’t function in society. I left school at an early age and my future is looking very dark. Perhaps a waitress for life is the best i will ever get to be. I hate his words and I hate the most that he’s right.
2 comments
I’m sorry things aren’t going well right now.
But I believe you can be more than “a waitress for life,” if you truly want to be…
Many great people in life started out in such horrible positions they never thought they’d rise up…
What is it you would like to be in life–if you could choose?
As for your family…it’s a problem that you are not alone in facing. Many families have rocky relationships; that by no means justifies the way in which they act torwards you…just know, you’re not alone in that regard, just like you’re not alone in feeling like things are too insurmountable to overcome.
That he makes the money in your household doesn’t make him “right.”
Again, many people who “couldn’t function in society” found themselves actually IMPROVING society…and many more eventually do find their way to succeed.
This is not meant to belittle your dilemma–but rather stand as a testament that success IS possible…
Success CAN yet be obtained by you, your life, at such a young age, is not over, and you shouldn’t give up on it.
As such, I obviously can’t do anything about it, and it’s ultimately your choice–but I hope you don’t cut yourself anymore. Often times people cut to try and ease pain or produce some sense of control, ie, “I decide what happens to my body.” But this sense of control is an illusion–and can lead to your going out of control, or worse.
It is, I’m sure, incredible difficult, but it is nevertheles vital to compose yourself and view yourself with a sense of value and worth.
You are not worthless.
You can attain more than being “a waitress for life.”
It may SEEM that way…but with so many years in front of you–your life is NOT over.
Again–what goals would you LIKE to set for yourself, if you could choose? Don’t worry about if they sound feasible, or not, or worry about sounding “stupid”…
Too many people worry about “sounding stupid,” and so keep things bottled up–until, perhaps, it’s too late.
As someone who’s as verbose and talkative and extroverted as they come…
Don’t worry–EVERYONE “sounds stupid” now and then…and, as such, those who are either too conscious of this (and so bottle it up and suffer for it) or else or ignorant of this (and so find themselves embarrassing themselves in national TV and the like) are those who suffer.
NO ONE HERE WILL LAUGH AT YOU.
NO ONE HERE WILL SNEER.
NO ONE HERE WILL MAKE YOU FEEL SMALL FOR DREAMING BIG.
After all–dreams are what makes waking up worth living for, 🙂
So–what are some things you would like to do, in life?
Hey you,
Thats a powerful admission, and i bet that took courage yes? if only more people would use that exact same courage they have within them to ‘start to fix’ all the little problems they have accumulated.
You are right with one thing though, with that attitude, life won’t turn around. So with a little (free) help from others or myself, you can start to get some better advice that can help you in both your ability to find some meaningful work as well as improve your current home attitude and how you deal with your brother and his attitude. Remember, he probably feels really stressed and agry that all his hard work is being spent on supporting his family, rather then him saving some up for himself. So try understand where he is coming from.
Drop me your email or reply here and i would be happy to offer any more insight i can.
Stay well & positive in the meantime
AdAs…