This is the first time I’ve posted. As the title implies. I’m no really sure what to expect. I’ve been reading posts, and replies to posts. I’m not really sure how to begin either.
Well. Here goes.
I first thought of ending my life when I was in grade two. Yes. that’s right. Grade two. Why? Because in grade one, I was molested by a family member. Though I didn’t understand exactly what had happened, or how badly it would affect me, in my little mind, I knew it was wrong. I kept a secret until, in an emotional breakdown in Grade 6, it slipped out to my mother. Half of my family now hates me, the rest either ignore the situation completley and a very small fraction of them believe me.
I feel pain everyday. I have insane trust issues and insane thoughts. I hate being left alone by myself. When I look in the mirror, I wince. and want to smash the mirror into a million pieces. Or do I really just want to smash myself into a million pieces?
I was bullied. For not being like everyone else. For not smiling and laughing with the other kids.
I feel incomplete. Lost. Broken. Empty. Like, there is nothing left of me to give because someone stole it from me.
I used to cut. Tried to end it once. But here I am. Alive.
I am working on it now, working on myself. Slowly, colour is starting to come back into my world. But I’ve felt better before, and everytime I think I can do it, I slip back under the water and almost drown again.
Will this time be any different? I guess I’ll see.
6 comments
I know exactly how you feel. And I’m not even exagerating. Something similar also happend to me. And I go long long time without looking in mirrors because I hate who I see. I’m glad you’re working on yourself. I wish you luck and all the love in the world. -gabby
I am sorry for what happened to you, molestation and rape… it makes me really sad when I hear stories such as these. What I do not understand and you may not either, but if you do please explain, is how come the family gets upset with you? Or the victim (which I hate using that word because it feels as if I am further pushing that person down). I mean why does the family take it out on the child? I am so lost right now. And going over it in my head I am actually upset. Well I am sorry I could not really say anything comforting. I am glad you have hope and you want to do better. I wish you the best. And btw you wrote a great first post mon amie.
You deserve the best of being Yourself.
seriously, fuck your family (& parents) if they can’t & don’t want to understand that, and even try to put you down.
it’s your life, not THEIR life.
Life is short, do and become what you ARE, not what others told you to bring you down, no matter what has happened. Life is imperfect, the only way to be ‘okay’ with is to try to *accept* the imperfection.
I always find it mystifying when you reveal that a family member has done something horrible to you, and their reaction is to turn on you instead of the molester. Maybe my Mom can explain it. When she was a cop she would have 3 or 4 investigations for incest *per week*. Just amazing.
David
Thank you everyone. I feel a lot better knowing there are people who feel the same as I do and don’t judge me for something beyond my control. My friends, the few that I have tried to talk to, all judge me also. I don’t understand it. Any of it. Why people think that I would even lie about this? What reason or good could come out of me lying. I haven’t been on here forever, and I was feeling very very down, (that particular evil molester family member is coming to visit my evil fucked up family, so I’m trying to find a place to flee for the weekend) and I read all the comments, and honestly, I almost wanted to cry. A good cry. So thank you. People don’t often understand what molestation does to kids. I have dreams about him almost evetry night. I relive the memory on a daily basis. I wake up in tears and sweat. I amost never sleep because I’m scared of having to live it again. I usually get to sleep at around 6 or 7 AM. No body here understands me. But thank you so much, all of you. I feel so much better, like maybe I can do it. Maybe, I can keep pushing until I win, instead of lose. I love you all. Thank you <3
Oh. To Blackmist. I’m not sure why my family hates me instead of him. Probably because that’s their son, brother, father, uncle. He was here before I was and they think that he “isn’t capable of that”, therefore I must be a spiteful, lying *****. They blame me for why we can’t have normal family get togethers (my mother and my sister are the only ones who truly believe me, and they refuse to come to family reunions when he is here, as do I) and blame me for what they see as blackening an innocent man’s reputation. The most fucked up part is that they talk shit about me behind my back, and act normal around me. I feel as if I am drowning and they are all just watching as the air is beaten out of my lungs by the water. I am nothing more than what he, thleft for me. My family has even gone so far as to try and make me and that dickhead have a “reunion”. They phave arranged him to pick me up from school, or from the mall, when my mom is out of town and they are responsible for me. Luckily, now I am 19 and have a car, so I can just leave anytime he comes around. He doesn’t live around here anymore, but they are always trying to con me and trick me into staying arond the house when he comes up to visit. They don’t tell me that he is coming until he is here. One day, I woke up, and walked out to my bathroom in my undies, and he was lying on the couch. I was out of the house in 5 minutes. I would rather sleep on the street for the week than stay anywhere near him. I keep a knife under my pillow now, just in case. I am that scared and fucked up. 🙁