I wish I Â just had someone I could actually talk to without them freaking out and calling the police.
I wish I had drugs. any fucking thing. Â I was never really into alcohol, but at this rate I’ll be an alcoholic before christmas. Â The only reason I didn’t cry myself to sleep last night was because I was drunk and stoned. Â so incredibly stoned. Â Although I have such mixed feelings about that. Â I love being high, but it reminds me of her. Â Although, everything reminds me of her. Â She’s all I think about. Â But at least when I’m high I’m willing to try.
When I’m not, I just fantasize about me dying. Â Not suicide, per se. Â But me walking across the street and getting hit by a car. Â Or being some kind of hostage, gun to my head, I’d let myself be killed if other lives were to be saved in doing so. Â My life seems so worthless compared to others. Â I doubt I’ll ever amount to anything. Â If I live, i might get a job but I’d probably spend most of my money on drugs. Â Not that drugs are bad, but there is a difference between use and abuse. Â I’m sure, at least now, I fall into the abuse category.
I just have no reason to live anymore. Â I don’t care about anything. Â I have maybe two friends, but frankly the only reason they’re talking to me now is because she died and they know I’m in a lot of pain. Â And in a few weeks I’m sure they’ll barely call or text, because I should be “okay” by then, right?
I’ve never been okay. Â I used to be able to hide it. Â I used to have some desire to live, desire to be happy. Â Now, I feel nothing. Â I’m just here because I don’t know what else to do. Â I don’t have the balls to actually hang myself like she did. Â Maybe I’ll just drink myself to death. Â Cheers, to another twenty or so years before I die of sclerosis of the liver.
10 comments
It’s really important when you lose someone to talk to a councillor. Don’t talk to just anyone… As you say they will freak out. They are not used to dealing with this, but a councillor is.
Sorry for your loss. If you want to talk about her here, feel free
Actually, it was the counselor that reported me to the police.
This struck a chord with me: the alcoholism, the drugs, the fantasising about walking out into an oncoming tram on the tracks outside my house, the feelings of never becoming anything meaningful – all of it.
I lost someone I loved, although I don’t think I really had them to lose to begin with. They’re not dead, they just walked away. Years wasted, plans made, children’s names and a ring and moving houses – all gone.
Months go by and even changing states, making friends, forcing myself to go out, drinking myself to sleep, forcing myself to breathe one more breath, getting high enough to not think, popping pills to function – it doesn’t help. Popping pills use to be enough to calm my head for a little while, but it doesn’t anymore. Joints don’t produce the same numbness that they use to. I use to try and clear my head so I could forget, get back to the work I use to love, make something of myself even in this black loneliness, but even my inspiration and motivation for my passions have gone. It doesn’t make the hurt go away. All there is left is emptiness and loneliness. I plan to find peace very soon once I finish collecting what I need to make my exit.
I’m not encouraging you to kill yourself or become a junkie. I’m not saying that’s your only choice. I’m just saying you aren’t feeling anything abnormal and you’re not all alone in your thoughts. You have every right to say how you feel without someone reporting you or calling you crazy. Sometimes you don’t need someone to give you a lecture or say you need help; sometimes you just want someone to ‘get it’ or even someone to just acknowledge what you’re saying, to say even your hurt matters.
I hope you one day find the peace you deserve.
Oh? Did you express an intention to hurt yourself or someone else? Anonymous phone councillong might be safer. Or you could just talk about it here. What happened to her and who was she?
She was my best friend. And ex-girlfriend, although we only broke up because I moved out of state. I always kind of thought maybe once I graduated college I’d move back and we’d get back together. She was the only person who ever really understood how I felt. She made me promise that if I ever felt suicidal that I would call her. But now she’s dead, and I can’t call her.
I know about the alcohol and drugs, and the pain.
I need to find the courage to finnallly end my life.
That hurts. I lost a dear friend to suicide, too. She was always there for me. She is gone now. There is no one on earth like her, I am sure. I admire people who find a way to survive until it’s “time” to go. And I found comfort from someone who said they don’t really believe anyone goes before their time.
So we somehow hafta wait out or take action when it gets scary….just to enjoy another sunrise…flower looming, breath of fresh air. And when I say take action, I don’t mean suicide. I mean doing the hard stuff that makes it hard for us to survive….work, meals, clothes, chores. Caring!
Sorry abt the counselor making a report to the police…although there is a law that requires that. At least u know this counselor is doing the job right, if that helps at all.
Did the police contact you? How embarrassing :(.
I like ur hero fantasies….like letting ur life be taken if it saves others.
And did you know how she felt?
hi. I just wanted to say hi .
I can feel a bit of your pain though your words.
I just started coming on this site because I care about the people here.
I am volunteering myself and my husband to be friends with people who want to be friends with us. you know the old saying a friend in need is a friend indeed. (and a friend with weed is a friend indeed too!)
the worst thing any of us can do is condemn ourselves. it just compounds the problem.
I have notices that the people I have seen writing here are very lucid, intelligent, deep feeling and incredible people.
I think it’s high time for us to turn around and tell those negative emotions to go away.
alright well I pray that you will feel appreciated soon and know that you are worth loving and being loved by.
I had my 50 year birthday on december 1st and I am really happy about it. it is like better I think than a college degree
it is like a graduation. it is like hey I am old enough now to say what I think.
dear fellows it is like there is an invisable conspiracy against the brightest and the best of us. I really think so.
I just want to grab up all the people who want to throw their lives away and say …..I would hire you or I would give you a project. to do an idea to do something excellent. at least something worth dying for. Death is not worth dying for. Death is the enemy. if you are one tenth of as happy in twenty years as I am right now…you will be glad you are alive.
I love EVERYBODY!
Write me on yahoo
thegoddessdiane
written to the people on the the suicide project hotline network at 4 am California time from uc Davis med center sacramento California.
my husband needs friends and so do I
this is my second post on this web site.
my phone is not paid yet but it will be at some point and our number is 650-716-8641.
please try to be as positive as you can. don’t add condemnation to your drinking..(I think it is okay to use alchohol to drown your sorrows for a little while. read proverbs 31 about that) and hey I live in california…the best medicine in the world is the green stuff. go green!!! we happen to be equipt with opiate and cannibis receptors. what does that tell you? grace to you. loves……
Diane
best wishes to everybody out there!
Ur councillor is an idiot. The whole reason that councillors are effective is the trust relationship they build. This idiot broke that trust, leave him if u havent already. Either use annonymous phonecalls to a help line or email any of us (real-foudy@hotmail.com).