I stumbled upon this website while googling how to commit suicide. Yeah, like google could somehow be the end all answer. Guess not because I got here and started reading all these posts…and now here I am, wishing I had the balls to just jump off the highway and fall to my death. It’s always in the back of my mind. ALWAYS. I despise myself for thinking this way. Hate myself for letting it get so bad. I’m supposed to be the strong one helping others in my spot. The f*ing psych major about to graduate isn’t supposed to be the one needing help…
And yet, here I am. Unable to will myself to start the day. I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet, not even to pee…I’m posting from my phone. I’ve been awake for 5 hours. What is wrong with me????
I don’t know what will happen if I start posting here…maybe some faint glimmer of hope will lead me back to sanity. I don’t know. I just can’t take it anymore.
Its too much to handle…even the desire to just end it. I’d feel guilty for leaving my baby sister and little brother behind.
What do I do? Someone help me…because apparently the freaking psychologist can’t help herself.
Edit: I ended up out of bed after 7 hours, only because the urge to use the restroom was unbearable. I went to my parents house to do laundry (the ones at my apt are expensive and don’t work that well) and I was upstairs in my sister’s room, she said “look out the window, it’s pretty” I did. My immediate thought? “I wonder if it would kill me if I jumped.” long story short, that’s how I think ALL the time. I am unable to see the beauty in things anymore…all I see is how it could somehow severely injure or kill me…I hate living inside my head. 🙁
12 comments
I thought I was the only one who googled ways to commit suicide.
Yup, it’s how I ended up here, too.
If you want to talk to somebody you can contact me but mind you, I am pretty unstable myself.
@Choke
I’m pretty sure that all of us here are unstable. Because we can’t find other ways to help ourselves and we’re too scared to kill ourselves.
I’ve read that losing the will to move about and get things done physically, is a sign of clinical depression. What therefore interests me about your case, unstable, and what’s piqued me to post is that you’re graduating in this stuff yourself! It’s an extraordinary situation. It just goes to show that knowledge in itself doesn’t really change people.
Do you know exactly what a therapist would say? If not, maybe you should try one. It’s lame and obvious advice I know but it’s all I’ve got.
A therapist (and my therapist) would say/says to find a positive outlet, while meanwhile getting to the core of my depression. I’m too scared to try medication…although deep down I know it could help. I’ve seen and heard too many stories of meds deepening the depression. A friend from high school has tried commiting suicide by oding on anti-depressants…only, the second time he succeeded. My father (who is apparently a major root in all of my issues) took anti-anxiety to deal with minor issues, he became addicted and suicidal.
I’m secretly hoping this blogging thing will become an outlet
I’ve cut, and people noticed. I don’t want the attention.
@choke: thanks.
@beyond_broken: I wonder how many have ended up here the same way…
Me too, I googled potassium cyanide and found it was fairly easy to get. I was unsure about it because some articles said it was slow and painful. This was not the impression I got from stories about Herman Goring and Heinrich Himmler who died instantly from consuming potassium cyanide capsules. Maybe the stories are wrong or it was probably some other mix of chemicals invented by those crackpot scientists at the SS.
I think a lot have ended up here through google. I did too.
I never googled suicide methods because I already pretty much had one picked out. But I can easily see how you would do that. I mean, why not? There’s even an article on Wikipedia about suicide methods. I’ve been on the Internet for 23 years…the Internet has EVERYTHING.
I would not discourage you from investigating medication. I’ve been on it, my wife has been on it, and while life hasn’t been perfect, it HAS helped. Celexa seems to be the king of the hill right now. It’s very effective and has few side-effects. If you want to kill yourself, yes, you can do it. It would cause something called Serotonin Poisoning, and based on the descriptions I’ve read, it seems very unpleasant.
But medication alone isn’t the answer. It’s only part of the equation. But it can help you get to the point where putting the rest of the equation together doesn’t feel pointless.
Oh yeah….now that I think about it, I did find this web site through Google. So, there you go.
David
i googled how to commit suicide too and found this website. and i post from my phone in bed too. my first post was written all on my phone and i was in bed lol.
I’m also a psych major. You can have all the answers and still be afflicted by depression. You working on your undergraduate or graduate degree?
Medication could be a HUGE help. Some people’s depression is biochemical and situational, while others have mostly biological or mostly situational depression. Who knows? With a combination of medication and therapy, you could feel a TON better.
In my opinion, suicide should only be an option to those who are 100% sure, since it is a permanent solution. Also, I think you should exhaust all of your options before you make a permanent situation. If you try and medication and it doesn’t work or the side effects are not tolerable, try a different one. If no meds work, then stop taking medication. I would think you would be more scared of suicide then medication, since you can always stop taking medication. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending how you look at it), death is irreversible.
Everyone else has made great suggestions.
I also found the site seeking methods.
I say stay for your baby sister and little brother.
Kids have a way of alleviating some of the pain and bad thoughts.
I’ll bet your baby sister felt something was wrong with you and that is why she told you to look out the window at what she saw was a beautiful scene.
Years ago my little cousin, she had to be about 18 months at the time.
She looked into my face as I was holding her and asked my why my outside was happy but why my inside was so dark and scary?
Shocked me to the bone.
Wow Unstable,
You summed up all I feel in just a few words. I am also in a professional situation where my stability is demanded but if they only knew…I also look at things others find appealing but find myself seeing what is ugly or how it could benefit me on my search for permanent sleep. How can a life this broken ever be fixed.