If anyone is interested

  December 9th, 2011 by christina--

Probably not.

Here’s part 2 of my life story. I won’t go into every detail (even now its way too fucking long for anyone to read), I don’t want to bore all of you to death.

I turned twelve in 7th grade. I had a few friends, kind off, but I was still bullied and there were a lot of people that didn’t like me. One guy from my class used to hit me. My mom always told me “If anyone ever hits you, hit them back”. So that’s what I did. I’m not one to cry in a corner (publicly) and keep my mouth shut. I fought back. After a few fights my guidance counceller said I needed anger management. I tried to explain that he started it, but he wouldn’t believe me. This guy made my life living hell. My brother would make up stories that I changed my clothes at school and put on a lot of make-up and sat on boys laps and that I smoked and other stuff. My mom would get upset with me because I was too young for those things. But it wasn’t even true. I hardly had the confidence to talk to a guy.. I let it just pass by. I was used to my brother making things up and my mom believing it.

The summer before 8th grade we moved out my father’s house. My mom managed to rent a house and didn’t tell my father until a couple days before we were actually moving.

Food usually was comforting to me. I felt better when I ate. I’m Greek so I was brought up with the idea that food is good for you. Whenever we went to Greece my family would tell me I was too fat but still forced me to eat almost every second, otherwise I’d become skinny. I stopped eating the last couple of months of 7th grade. First I ate less and less, eventually I just completely stopped. Or just an apple or something with very little calories. I didn’t allow myself to eat more than one piece of food per day. I don’t see myself as anorexic, I do am convinced I have some sort of eating disorder.

I’ve met a girl in theater club a year before and we hung out every day that summer. We used to run every day for 2 hours. She also was kind of anorexic so she didn’t say anything about me not eating, and I didn’t mention her not eating. She thought me how to drink. That summer  I was drunk for the first time. I was twelve. She smoked (cigarettes and weed) but I didn’t care much for that.

People had told me I lost a lot o weight, but it wasn’t enough. I’m about 1.60m and at that time I was around 65/70 kg. I could never ever get below 65kg. Even though I didn’t eat for days and worked out all day.

In 8th grade I got in a fight with the girls I was friends with in school. They made sure everyone else hated me too. It didn’t take long before everyone in our year hated me. I felt terrible. I think that was one of the worst years of my life. I failed every class. I cut every piece of skin I had left on my body.
The last few months of 8th grade suddenly everything changed. People were nice to me again. I hated them for how they treated me, but at least I wasn’t completely alone anymore.. That’s when I slowly started eating again. I ate all day. Of course I gained a lot of weight again.

In 9th grade I met a guy. I was 13 when I met him. He was 18. I really liked him and I wasn’t used to boys liking me back so I was over the moon. I wanted him to like me more so when he tried to have sex with me, I let him. He took my ‘virginity’ (what was left of it I guess). It was exactly one month after my 14th birthday. After a couple of times I figured out he only wanted me for sex. Which hurt a lot.

The rest of 9th and 10th grade was pretty much filled with being bullied, skipping school, feeling miserable, empty and lonely, cutting and fucking some random guys. Sex was love to me. I was convinced I wasn’t worthy enough of actual loving, so sex was the closest thing I had to love.

I stopped eating again at some point, I puked whatever I ate and I used laxatives. I wanted the weight to be gone. I lost some. But I gained it all back.

My family still hated me. My brother would always call me names and hit me for no reason and my mom would always believe him when I told her what happened. For some reason she always believed him. Maybe because he was always the crybaby when we were little I don’t know.
I started smoking cigarettes in the 10th grade. If my brother told my mom I smoked anyway, why not do it for real. If everyone called me a whore, why not act like one. Then at least they wouldn’t be telling lies.

In 11th grade I met this girl who is currently still my “best friend”. She smoked weed and asked one day if I would join her. I never let myself caught up in drugs before but I thought why the fuck not. Almost instantly I started smoking every day. All day. I woke up, smoked a joint before going to school or while I was on my way. Every break and every free hour. Every moment we had actually, we would smoke weed. It felt so good to feel so numb.

Quickly after that I met a guy. He told me he was 23 at first, but later he told me he was actually 27. I didn’t care. Older guys were sexier to me. I didn’t want boys. I wanted men.
This guy introduced me to the world of drugs. I was 15 when I tried MDMA crystals for the first time. I didn’t even know what it was I just couldn’t give a fuck. I loved it though. He gave me XTC, MDMA whenever I wanted. It felt good, that feeling of love.

He kind of ‘gave’ me almost to a friend of his. Like, he was done with me and now I was just passed on in the group. I liked this guy more though. He told me he was 29, but I think he actually was around 33. I just turned 16 when I had my first snort of coke. Coke is the best drug ever. If I was rich I would be addicted to coke, no doubt. It still is my absolute favorite. I tried almost everything that time: Coke, Speed, GHB (that rape drug), Mushrooms.. and I know I’m forgetting half. Usually everything was combined with whiskey. They always had whiskey. Now I can’t stand the smell or the taste of it anymore.
Quickly after that I ended up in child care because my mom thought he was a pimp. He probably was. 
Every appointment I had I lied. I wanted to smoke weed and use drugs so I never told her anything truthful.

The summer before my last year of high school I used a lot of XTC. I had quite a few bad trips also. I once lay on the ground of the bathroom for about 5 hours with 7 layers of clothes on. It felt terrible. I decided I liked coke and speed better. My last year in high school was pretty much the same as 11th grade. Every cent I had I would spend it on weed. I knew all the little hiding places where people left their money. I would check every jacket pocket. At some point I even started stealing money from my mom. I had a job. It just didn’t pay enough. I needed weed. I don’t even want to know how much money I stole from her. Probably over 1000 euro’s. I didn’t care at that time. Now the guilt is eating me alive. My mom was a single mother raising 3 kids. She could hardly pay the bills. Sometimes she couldn’t. I’m a terrible daughter..

Because of the weed I couldn’t eat anymore. I had chronic stomach ache (which I still have, I have prescription medicine for it). I was happy I couldn’t eat anymore though because I hated myself for gaining all that weight I did. People came up to me again telling me how good I looked now that I lost all of that weight. I never stood on a scale at that time but I think I was around 75 kg again. I knew if I stand on a scale I would become obsessed again. But it wasn’t even necessary to count calories because my body just simply didn’t allow food in my stomach. How much my body hurt, it didn’t matter for me. As long as I looked good. It was another bonus of the weed in my eyes.

My ‘pimp’ turned out to be a real sucky pimp. He gave me a “job offer” a lot. I would make big money and I would only had to fuck guys I was into myself. I have actually almost took him up on his offer a couple of times. Because, well, why the fuck not? I was (and still am) a worthless piece of shit and at least I didn’t have to steal money from my mom anymore. I never did it though. I did stole a lot of money, weed and coke from him. He didn’t even notice it was me. Retard.

My final exams went pretty well.. probably because I was high on weed and speed all the time. I don’t even know how I managed to get such good grades also.

I didn’t go straight to college. I didn’t know what the fuck I was going to do. I knew I couldn’t go to college in the state that I was in. So I took all kind of different jobs to pay for my addiction.

I still kind of saw my ‘pimp’, but I basically fucked every hot good looking guy that was willing.

Two months after I turned 18 I met the most wonderful person I’ll probably ever know. He helped me with everything. I didn’t use any drugs (except weed) the whole time I was with him. I didn’t even felt the need to. Which was weird because the month before I met him I would snort speed literally every day. I quit weed for a couple of months but I was too weak to quit for once and for all. So I started smoking weed again, more and more. I hid it from him. He would get upset if he knew. But that relationship is a whole different story. Basically I fucked everything up. EVERYTHING.

Now he does not want to see me or talk to me anymore. I don’t  blame him. It’s been over for about 2 months now. Since then I’ve been drinking, cutting and snorting like crazy. I can’t even function without some form of medication. I even have a serious ankle injury now and can hardly walk because I was so fucking drunk last weekend. I even passed out with my head practically in the toilet. I almost jumped off a bridge but I guess I was clear enough to realize I would probably only break my legs.

I have not been snorting every day, yet.. some weeks I have though. Speed is on my mind every day though. And it’s nice to not be able to eat. Eating makes me feel weak. I’ve been going to the gym for about 4 months and have hardly been eating and I still don’t lose any weight. Needless to say that I smoke weed every day, all day. I try not to before class but as soon as my last class is over for the day I light on up. I just cant stay sober. I feel like I’m going fucking insane every moment I’m sober. I act more weird when I’m sober then when I’m high.
I just turned 20. I’m in my second year of college,  and one tiny bit away from being a college dropout. I haven’t had a job for 6 months. No one seems to want to hire me. I won’t blame them though. Who wants to hire some ugly dumb fat piece of shit? I’ve been ‘camgirling’ the last two months or so, so I can still feed all of my addictions. My paranoia seems to be at an all time high. I used to have hallucinations before, but I see weird stuff every day know. Mostly groups of people, bikes and insects. The weed feeds my anxieties. Sometimes I’m so afraid of people I won’t even pick up the phone or open the door. I just hide until they go away.

I just pretty much fucked up my whole life. I fucked up and there’s no one else to blame but stupid me.

Now I’m just waiting to get the courage to finally end it all.

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