Monday I put up a post saying that I had an opportunity Saturday to change my life. That I would put in every ounce of effort I had into that opportunity. It involves getting a good job, making not great but decent money and fixing the wrongs that I have done in my life. But… I don’t think I can make it. I’ve ruined to many lives and I know that I won’t be able to fix anything. So, Friday night I’m going to rent a room at a rundown motel near my house and buy a bottle of vodka. I’m really sick of this. I’m sick of the anxiety, the panic attacks. I’m sick of all the horrible memories. I’ve been bullied, raped and passed around. No one in my family is going to see this, not that they would care because even though I have a huge family over 80% of them don’t treat each other like family. It’s so sad that we simply “tolerate†each other and then spread rumors behind each other’s back. I haven’t done that to them but then again there has to be a reason why they treat me like that… right? There has to be a reason why a few of my cousins raped me… right? Has to be a reason why my dad didn’t believe me and lied to me… right? There has to be a reason… but I don’t want to stick around and fine out…
I don’t know where you go when you die, if you go to heaven or hell, if simply nothing happens, I don’t know but whatever it is… it has to be a lot better than what I made myself here on earth. You listening? I am taking responsibility, I know everyone goes through things, everyone makes mistakes and I do understand that the hole I’m in… I dug by myself. I dug it with my own two hands…
That hollow part of my wrists, right underneath my palms, about two inches long seem more hollow these past couple of days. It seems like they’re getting ready also. I’m not going to fail… I’ll turn on the shower, just enough to let it run over me, warm enough to keep the blood flowing, one good, deep cut on either side will do…
I’m almost done getting rid of everything I wouldn’t want them to see the poems, letters, I don’t want to leave anything personal. They’ll be better off. I’ll destroy my laptop too.
I wish everyone here the best. You know the start of a new year can be the start to new begging but not for me. I hope everyone here pulls through their struggles and have a happy life. I know I must sound like a hypocrite but so many people here have tried to help me I just want to give a little back. Good-bye everyone. 😉
 Roxanna (Keitel)
12 comments
Well…Any Regrets Besides the ones you posted?
of course, i wish i could have been a stronger person and pull through all this turmoil, there is so many things that I wanted to do in my lifetime but I feel deep down that I don’t deserve to do all those things, if that makes sense.
Why do you feel you don’t deserve it? Is it because you think you can’t do it or because someone else thinks that of you?
I feel like I don’t deserve it because there are a some bad things that I have done and I feel extremely guilty about it. I have tried to move on and get my life together but the guilt weighs so heavy on my shoulders that I literally can’t do it.
Sorry for what you’ve been through. Everyone has their share of issues. I know I do, and so does everyone else on this site. Everyone has been hurt and pained in one way or another. I’ve never been raped, I have been sexually manipulated though. I can’t imagine what it must be being raped by your own family members, people who you’re supposed to trust. I’m sorry that you had to go through this so young and distort your perception of life. And your innocence.
There’s many people who have gone through the same and sadly to say worse. Human trafficking still exists to this day, especially as sex workers. Girls, 12 and 13, forced away from home promised education and scholarships and jobs to find themselves raped and humiliated and forced into such a harsh lifestyle only to be considered worn and “old” by the time they’re 21. I know this doesn’t apply to you, but I guess it’s the best I can give because I can’t say from personal experience.
There are a lot of survivor groups you can join where you can relate to many other girls and guys who have been through incest rape. It’s not your fault. And it’s DEFINITELY not your fault your father didn’t believe you. You don’t deserve to be a victim, nor continue being a victim of bullying and physical and emotional abuse and humiliation. You need to report to the authorities immediately and look for help before you decide on ending YOUR life, which means more than any of theirs. They’re the ones who should be wanting to die, not you. You were the victim.
You need to recover your self esteem and allow yourself time to heal. You need the resources and the right people, you obviously need support, and I really think that you should be heard. You need to speak to someone who will help, any authority, immediately. Everyone feels that their situation is impossible because it’s theirs, and every situation has their unique ties and problems that may seem stagnant and never-ending, but you need to take the rational approach and maybe for a second put the feelings aside (something that you will need to deal with later, either professionally or through supportive mediums) and take the first step into recovery.
Everyone’s got their share of guilt so you’re not alone. Everyone has done wrong at one point or another. But I’m sure you didn’t rape, kill, or disabled anyone, which is the worst thing another human being can do. If you can’t cope on your own, try coping with someone else. but don’t give up until you’ve got nothing else to try. You’re still a victim.
Keitel, you’re only guilty because you’ve slammed the gavel down and judged yourself as guilty. So just for that, you’ve deemed that you deserve to die and not experience so much goodness. You’re robbing yourself of that opportunity as you wallow in that belief.
It’s not true, none of it…you could have done whatever. Own it, learn from it and look forward to make better choices for yourself. Forget everyone else. Anyone that hurt you, has been hurt themselves and acted it out on you. That doesn’t mean you’re not worthy and valued and incredibly loved…the key for you is to get in touch with that truth inside you…BUT YOU HAVE TO WANT TO! You’ll be shown very quickly your thinking is not in service of your greater well being and you will be learning the lesson the harder way. I encourage you to follow these words…it’s a simple decision to go in a direction that makes you happy. And if you don’t know…ask, and keep asking til you get to a place of contentment…but you have to decided from within that you want happiness. There isn’t enough assholes/negativity in existence to keep you from your greatest wishes and dreams…the only thing that is in your way is your own belief in yourself….and I am here along with everyone else cheering you on….! Ponder the positive person you are…you aren’t a reflection of your experiences, you’re a bright light…learning to shine brighter and better…that applies to us all, should we respond to that truth that speaks to us from within all day, every day. Take care of yourself. You have my email.
Well, I can’t judge you better than yourself, however We can not control all events. We can, however, control our reactions to events. It is how we react to events that sets our course for the future.
If you feel guilty for something you couldn’t control, then your guilt is unjustified. However, even if it was due to your reactions, It is your Reaction to your guilt now that will make or break your future.
I Can’t convince you, nobody else can except for you. So I won’t try to convince you of anything whether it’s fact or false. Just remember though, that You can only control yourself, and what you decide to do from today, tomorrow, and yesterday will really tell what you want. Guilt or No Guilt.
If you do read this, Thanks for giving back. 😉
Thank you. I really wish that I could just, not only look, but get past everything. I wish that the idea of suicide wasn’t so alluring, I wish that deep down in my heart it would feel anything but right… but it isn’t. There is this small part of me that knows that it is wrong but something tells me that it would fix everything and let my family know, those that I care for deeply and love, that I am very sorry for everything…
I know it is wrong and it scares me that I’m not scared to die. (Strange I know.) It’s that small part of me I was talking about. The part that is still naive and thinks that I can fix things but like I said it’s just a small part and it will die eventually, weather it is by my hand or on its own… just like everything withered and die inside of me… it will to. Thanks for trying though, you and everyone here are all amazing people. Thank you for trying to help.
Well, I joined this site after reading your posts.
As I said in my first post here–I’m not suicidal, just here as someone to talk to, someone to listen…
I hope I may get the chance to listen to you, to hear you…
I hope you get the chance to hear yourself.
You are, I’m sure, in troubled times–I have no doubt.
But I jsut want to say I believe in someone like you.
I believe you can pull through…
In any case, know someone is pulling for you who has never even met you before, whom you have never even spoken to.
And that someone was so compelled by you, as a person, that they hope you will live long enough to realize how compelling and, indeed, how powerful you are.
In any case–I wish you the best, and please know someone hopes you’ll make it, and make it to happiness, at least.
What if God came and visited you and said, “Roxana, you will never be able to kill yourself and escape yourself.” If you knew that suicide was not an option, what would you do then. Maybe you should just start doing it.
Consider talking to a sexual abuse counsellor. It will help if you’re truly wanting help. I know.
I really hate how these creeps victimize us, take our innocence, damage our potential and go on to live as if nothing happened. But what I hate more is that when they are done abusing us….we take over where they left off. No one can judge us more harshly than we have judged ourselves. I became my own abuser. Sounds like you might be too. Just saying……
The Only thing i’m trying is to do is listen. Makes my day that much better knowing someone else has the same experience I do and is willing to share some time.