Why are we where we are?

December 11th, 2011by TB

I often wish I would get a life threatening illness and just wouldn’t wake up. I even took up smoking just to increase my chances of lung cancer. Failing that I hope to get into a huge accident, or a situation I wont come out of alive. I am too scared to do anything to myself, I think of all the people I would hurt on my way out of this hell hole and I can’t do it. If there was a medical or accidental reason for death I could be out of here and not bring shame on the family or my friends. They wouldn’t question their own worth. I love my family I couldn’t make them question themselves like that. I used to tie ligatures round my neck but panicked and loosened them off at the very last second. I have spent years cutting, though unlike some I have read on here I don’t look on my scars in awe. They aren’t a thing of beauty. They are all there for a reason, and not one of them is a happy reason. I always make sure they aren’t too deep and the scars aren’t too ugly because I don’t want to have to explain them away.

I am depressed. It is partly because I have mild autism. I can function in everyday life tasks, but I seriously struggle socially and get social anxiety. I have very few friends because of it. I don’t know how to connect with people, or what to say. It is much easier on the internet because I don’t see the people silently judging me so I can be more myself. I get locked on to certain things (usually different TV series) which become a large part of my life, an obsession one may say. I couldn’t explain what draws me to them but they become all encompassing. I watch them, I read about them, I write about them, and when I am not doing those things I am thinking about them. I hide my obsessions as much as possible to appear more normal. It makes me feel even more removed from real life. Even my parents don’t realise the extent of my Autistic traits because I don’t want to appear weird to them. REAL life just seems to be bleak emptiness for me most of the time. Maybe that is why I immerse myself in the imaginations of the script writers of my favourite shows. I am living a fake life just to make others around me like me more even though I am happy to be left alone most of the time. It kills my mum to see me staying in and not socializing as she is a social butterfly herself. So an end to all this unnecessary heartache would be welcome.

That being said; I will not end it myself, and I have learnt to only cut in the worst of situations when I truly need to remember I am alive!

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