why fight for a life of misery?

i can’t run anymore. i’m so tired. maybe its just tike to let the darkness have me. there is no light. if there was, then it gave up on me a long time ago. maybe its time for me to do the same. there is nothing for me here in this life. i believe that Life is all their is. and then the nothingness that comes next. i’ve tried so hard to make my life a content one. but i always fail. fate intervenes. knocks me down.

i just have no desire to live anymore. and i just keep thinking of how much easier it would be on everyone around me. no longer would i be a financial or medical burden. no longer would contribute to other peoples stress. i just wouldn’t be a problem. no longer an error of life. a mistake of life. sometimes the cutting feels like punishment for my failure. which is sometimes a relief to me, because i feel as though i deserve it. i’ve been crying today because i think i’ll never be able to do it. i won;t be able to take the final step. it makes em so sad, because its all i want. i kept thinking today, “why am i fighting for a life thats full of misery”. and i can;t think of an answer. so now i’m asking myself, why should i continue to do so? maybe i really was just an “error” in the universe’s design. and maybe killing myself is the only way to correct it. maybe thats why it always seems to be the answer. when i think about suicide, thats when i’m actually in my purest contentment. i think about how happy i’m going to feel when the blood is flowing out. as my vision blurs and sounds soften till the point where i can only hear my breathing and my voice. that relaxation of taking the final breaths.